Destination Birthday Trip for Parent - Do I Have to Go?

[Anonymous]

My mom is turning 70 next year and invited my family of four to her destination birthday trip. It's a 7-day European cruise. For a family of four, I'm guessing it will cost us about $6K-$8K for the room, taxes, gratuity, airfare, etc. I'm trying not to have my knee jerk reaction be to say no to her, but this sounds like a lot (but I think I could afford it). I have 2 small children, and I'm not into cruises. It's not as if she'd go alone - she has a few friends who want to go on this trip, but I'm just not into it, especially not a 7 day European cruise with kids who go to bed at 7pm. DH said I could go alone if I wanted, but if I were going to commit to a 9 day trip (with flights to and from Europe), I'd rather it be with my nuclear family.

I found this article about party etiquette for modern times. Birthdays are covered in part 6.
https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2019/06/229284/celebration-party-etiquette-rules

Is it horrible if we just say no? I've already hedged that we're not really interested and that the cost for 4 of us is prohibitive, but she didn't seem to accept that as an answer. I'm assuming I'll just have to be tough and tell her outright no, but I'm trying not to be a jerk about it. She definitely deserves a trip and she's not asking for us to pay for it outright.

Full disclosure: my mom is a travel agent and I'm pretty sure if she gets enough people to go on the trip she either gets an upgrade or free room for herself.

[Anonymous]

My aunt does trips like this. She goes free while we all pay. I would say no and explain that it’s too much right now. Offer up alternate trip if you feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure she’s not offering to pay? This is weird she’d host a birthday for herself and not pay

[Anonymous]

Invited? But you are to pay for it yourself?
That is not invited in my book!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t be going on a cruise at all. I was leery of cruises before the pandemic but now I just can’t even imagine it, especially with small children. I’d be inclined to say no, and the last year reinforced that. But I’d be looking for reasons to say no, so clearly I’m biased.

When my sister and I were poor students, my parents decided to do a destination vow renewal. They got very upset with us that we didn’t go on the trip with them, but neither of us could afford it. It also wasn’t a place I wanted to go. But that’s what happens when you decide to plan a celebration that requires guests to travel and spend a lot of time and money.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a nightmare - and one that you are expected to pay for?

We did a three day Caribbean cruise with my in-laws (they paid) for their 50th wedding anniversary - we had little kids at the time. It was fine because there was lots of entertaining things to do on board with them. A European cruise sounds like a lot of stops in European destinations that just aren't fun for little kids. I'd keep going with the not being able to afford it.

[Anonymous]

I’d 100% stick to my guns about the budget. If I’m spending the money, and my PTO, on a trip that long and expensive it’ll be something for my family’s delight.

[Anonymous]

It’s your mom for goodness sakes! You said you can afford it. You’re just being difficult for no reason

[Anonymous]

I would go with her alone, not with your family, if you plan to go at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go with her alone, not with your family, if you plan to go at all.

Getting your own room on a cruise is $$$, it wouldn't save any money

[Anonymous]

Any chance the kids could stay with the other grandparents? That is kind of a long time though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is turning 70 next year and invited my family of four to her destination birthday trip. It's a 7-day European cruise. For a family of four, I'm guessing it will cost us about $6K-$8K for the room, taxes, gratuity, airfare, etc. I'm trying not to have my knee jerk reaction be to say no to her, but this sounds like a lot (but I think I could afford it). I have 2 small children, and I'm not into cruises. It's not as if she'd go alone - she has a few friends who want to go on this trip, but I'm just not into it, especially not a 7 day European cruise with kids who go to bed at 7pm. DH said I could go alone if I wanted, but if I were going to commit to a 9 day trip (with flights to and from Europe), I'd rather it be with my nuclear family.

I found this article about party etiquette for modern times. Birthdays are covered in part 6.
https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2019/06/229284/celebration-party-etiquette-rules

Is it horrible if we just say no? I've already hedged that we're not really interested and that the cost for 4 of us is prohibitive, but she didn't seem to accept that as an answer. I'm assuming I'll just have to be tough and tell her outright no, but I'm trying not to be a jerk about it. She definitely deserves a trip and she's not asking for us to pay for it outright.

Full disclosure: my mom is a travel agent and I'm pretty sure if she gets enough people to go on the trip she either gets an upgrade or free room for herself.

It's not horrible to say no, but this is likely the last chance you have to take a big trip like this with her. Depending on how much that means to you, you may want to go, even if it's just you. Or pony up the money and take the family.

Using an etiquette book to determine what to do with your own mother is a red flag to me. If you really don't like her, then don't go.

[Anonymous]

Heck no, I'd visit her at her home sometime instead. That trip sounds like a nightmare, I would be miserable the whole time!

[Anonymous]

Watch the 40-minute HBO documentary about the Diamond Princess. You couldn't pay me to take a cruise after that.

[Anonymous]

Not my thing. I wouldn't go. I'd let her know the $$ was tight, I have limited leave and chasing after/entertaining kids on a boat didn't sound fun. But I'd then gift her a large part of that amount for a birthday present- either the cash or something $$ she's been wanting.