Destination Birthday Trip for Parent - Do I Have to Go?

[Anonymous]

First, thank you to everyone for their insights. This was actually pretty helpful when outside people will take a stab at your issues.

To be honest, I am close with my mom as her only child but we don't always get along.

We have traveled together before with varying results and I am really leery of spending that much time with her or her friends with little respite.

She does not get along with DH and he tolerates her for my sake, and he is not willing to go on this trip, even for me. He would happily stay home with the kids, but he pointed out that he didn't think I wanted to go, which makes him against it. I think he and all of you are right on that - I don't.

I do recognize that this is an opportunity to travel with her, but I think the cost is too great. To be clear, she is not paying. Is expects us to pay and wants us to bring the kids, which will cost upwards of $8K, which I have, but would not spend on a vacation for myself right now.

I think offering to get her a gift for her trip seems like a nice idea - thank you for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, thank you to everyone for their insights. This was actually pretty helpful when outside people will take a stab at your issues.

To be honest, I am close with my mom as her only child but we don't always get along.

We have traveled together before with varying results and I am really leery of spending that much time with her or her friends with little respite.

She does not get along with DH and he tolerates her for my sake, and he is not willing to go on this trip, even for me. He would happily stay home with the kids, but he pointed out that he didn't think I wanted to go, which makes him against it. I think he and all of you are right on that - I don't.

I do recognize that this is an opportunity to travel with her, but I think the cost is too great. To be clear, she is not paying. Is expects us to pay and wants us to bring the kids, which will cost upwards of $8K, which I have, but would not spend on a vacation for myself right now.

I think offering to get her a gift for her trip seems like a nice idea - thank you for that.

Thanks for circling back OP. Sounds like you made the best decision for your circumstances!

[Anonymous]

Yeah I figured if there was any chance she was offering to pay OP would know it. A lot of people on this board get free vacations from their parents but as a kid whose parents are trying to get free trips out of me, I mean, we know our own parents don’t we?

[Anonymous]

I don’t always think parents should pay for vacations but for a milestone birthday one, yes I’d expect it. Just like adults who invite you to a restaurant for their birthday should pay.

Sorry op I wouldn’t go. Saw your clarification

[Anonymous]

In my world, no matter who you are to me, you pay for birthday trips that you invite me on. My mother has been eyeing this big anniversary party/trip too, yeah no. I will go to your local fun night out, but thats about it. Throw in little kids, all that travels and thousands of dollars and it's a no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t always think parents should pay for vacations but for a milestone birthday one, yes I’d expect it. Just like adults who invite you to a restaurant for their birthday should pay.

Sorry op I wouldn’t go. Saw your clarification

Wow. Never once has the birthday celebrant at a party I was invited to paid the bill. And I’ve certainly never been invited on

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the clarification.

No, I would decline. Cruise ships are petri dishes of germs (Covid aside).

[Anonymous]

It would be a no from me for lots of reasons. Cost, time away, no interest in a cruise (particularly considering the pandemic—remember the people trapped onboard for months?), I wouldn’t go by myself because there’s no way I’d be willing to be away from my small children for nine days, and I’d worry about my small children being on a cruise ship. Too much danger, too many places to hide. Nope. And considering you don’t get along that well with your mom to begin with part of me thinks it might be a courtesy invite anyway because she doesn’t want you to think she’s bailing for a big birthday when you have wanted to celebrate her. If it were me I’d offer to take her on a weekend birthday celebration somewhere that would be of interest to her… Just the two of you.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you want to go and are making excuses. If you don’t want to go just tell her but have a plan B in mind. FWIW the bedtime isn’t really a factor because of the time difference. My kid goes to bed early too here, but when we go to England we try and to only shuffle out sleep 3 hours instead of 5 so we stay up later then and sleep later too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that is great of her! You mom is getting old, she doesn't care if she ends up spending the amount for anything. The trip will happen. After last year, some older folks are thinking they could lose everything in a matter of minutes. It is possible that could be her last far away trip. You neve know when you are that old.
If she doesn't do it then, who knows when she will be able to. The following year, in 2 years?? When you are a senior, you don't of anything further an a year or two.

In my opinion, you go and you bring the grandkids if she wants you to. Many seniors like their grandkids with them. It's her way to enjoying the final years of life. Who knows how many more years they have. She may even help you pay, who knows.

I can't believe people think it's within reach of most people to shell out $6-$8k for a trip. That is a lot of money. We are by no means poor, but my answer to this would have to be no based on our family priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you want to go and are making excuses. If you don’t want to go just tell her but have a plan B in mind. FWIW the bedtime isn’t really a factor because of the time difference. My kid goes to bed early too here, but when we go to England we try and to only shuffle out sleep 3 hours instead of 5 so we stay up later then and sleep later too.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother in law believe it or not tracks things like this and adjusts will. So if one family went and one didn’t she would adjust will.

I WISH my inlaws did this. We do everything and DH’s two sibs totally freeload. But inlaws will split the money to the penny.

[Anonymous]

I love the article OP posted https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2019/06/229284/celebration-party-etiquette-rules

The millennial wedding stuff is a giant issue that my DC's and others have to deal with...

Called it "Such is the state of play for those of us living through the rise of the Millennial Experience Economy (aka MEE)."

And OP's mom is part of that so it's not just millenials. That OP mom expects all to spend and not just money. Vacation days. One wedding [had a small but big stuff cancelled due to pandemic] is resurrecting all functions and it would be a whopping 5 vacation days. And that's for locals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, thank you to everyone for their insights. This was actually pretty helpful when outside people will take a stab at your issues.

To be honest, I am close with my mom as her only child but we don't always get along.

We have traveled together before with varying results and I am really leery of spending that much time with her or her friends with little respite.

She does not get along with DH and he tolerates her for my sake, and he is not willing to go on this trip, even for me. He would happily stay home with the kids, but he pointed out that he didn't think I wanted to go, which makes him against it. I think he and all of you are right on that - I don't.

I do recognize that this is an opportunity to travel with her, but I think the cost is too great. To be clear, she is not paying. Is expects us to pay and wants us to bring the kids, which will cost upwards of $8K, which I have, but would not spend on a vacation for myself right now.

I think offering to get her a gift for her trip seems like a nice idea - thank you for that.

Thanks for circling back OP. Sounds like you made the best decision for your circumstances!

+1 Your mom gets to issue the invitation for the activity that she wants, BUT you also get to respond in the way that works best for you!

My mom did a family trip for her 70th too, but because it was important to her to have us along, she checked with us first to see if the dates/destination worked for everyone (and then she paid too which was not necessary but was a nice bonus).