Am I a helicopter parent? How to relax with free roaming toddlers??
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I have a 1 year old and a 2 (almost 3) year old. Now that the 1 year old is walking and I have two very small children that can run in opposite directions, I have literally NO chill.
I can't tell if my level of anxiety is normal. I have parent friends with kids just a little bit (1-2 years) older and they *seem* to be able to relax a lot more, especially in mixed parent-friend/child company. For example, we have a neighborhood bubble of friends and many times we will be on a front porch with parents and the others seem to be able to unwind and have a cocktail or beer without constantly worrying that their child is going to dart into the street and get run over by an Amazon delivery truck speeding through a residential neighborhood. Are the other parents just better at disguising their worry/better at multi-tasking than me? I don't hover around my nearly 3 year old (but seem to have to repeatedly remind him not to run into the road), but I find myself distracted constantly by the 1 year old who is still putting rocks (and everything) in their mouth, has trouble navigating stairs, can easily be knocked over by bigger kids, etc. Oy, it's exhausting. My DH does not seem to worry nearly as much and occasionally gives me "you're a crazy lady" looks.... is he right!? 
|
Anonymous
| Those are big 1-2 years older though. Our 4 year old is finally comfortable crossing our little townhouse parking lot with her friends without an adult holding her hand, so we've been able to relax a lot recently. |
Anonymous
|
I think it depends so much on the type of kids you have... I had a crazy rambunctious bolter (he would run away from me every chance he got, and FAST, until he was 3 or 4) and I could never ever relax. His younger sister was much more placid but by the time she came along I was trained to be very reactive.
Meanwhile, friends with calm children had no idea why I was constantly watching my son like a hawk - at least not until they saw him in action, lol. Now he is 12 and is really quite calm and in fact is very paranoid about traffic and watchful of his little sisters. So... things will get better in a decade or so  !
(You have all my sympathy and it really will get better soon...) |
Anonymous
|
I am a person with very fast reflexes. But I've also trained my kids not to go into the street, even for a toy. I've told them I will absolutely buy them a new toy if theirs gets run over.
As for a 1 yr old, I let them fall because they need to learn. It's no big deal - they're short. But my friends and I are of the "it takes a village" type so it's normal for a friend to reach into the mouth of a baby to take out a rock even if it's not their baby. Or I'll cal my friend's baby over to play with my keys when I see a car turn onto our road. |
Anonymous
|
you know how gymnasts have spotters for the tricky vaults and uneven bars? I feel like parenting a one year old is like being that spotter all. day. long.
|
Anonymous
+1. We have a gaggle of neighborhood kids around the same age and you can tell who's kid is a runner and who isn't. Mine isn't so I don't worry, but for the kids who like to run into traffic or who run away from their parents often, I get that they have a different situation than I do. |
Anonymous
|
Sounds like a mix of a couple things. First of all, there's a big difference between almost three and four. At four, you will be able to relax a lot more. So don't dismiss that as "just a year older"
Second of all - a one year old who is still in the "everything I touch goes in my mouth" phase is super stressful out and about. That sounds normal. Third of all - it does sound like perhaps (hard to say definitively) you're tending toward helicopter a bit with your three year old. You're watching him, yes? He knows he's not supposed to go in the road? It's a quiet residential street? Lots of parents around? Then constant "stay off the road" reminders may not be necessary. Generally though, what you're saying sounds normal. My biggest advice - be very clear during these gatherings as to who is "in charge" of the kids, you or your husband. So, for example, you're planning to be there from 1-3ish? You're in charge from 1-2, he's in charge from 2-3. Or, if this is a common activity, alternate days. Have a brief hand-off convo at 2, and then purposefully turn your chair around away from your kids and focus on adult conversation. This does two things: 1) reins in helicopter tendencies (your husband would be find if you're not there, right?) and stops you from getting into a groove where he doesn't have to worry about the kids because you're ALWAYS worrying about the kids, which will just exacerbate the problem. |
Anonymous
As the parent of a one year old and a former gymnastic coach - this is very accurate. And actually, the analogy really holds up. A big part of being a spotter is knowing when to step in. If you just carry kids (I worked with littles, under 8) through the trick, they'll never learn anything. They still have to carry their own weight, and fall sometimes. You're there to prevent serious injury, not every scrape. Very similar with babies. But oh man, the constant vigilance is real. |
Anonymous
|
Hover around the 1-year-old since the kid is still at that age of putting rocks and other things in the mouth.
Give the 3-year-old more leash, but with parameters. If you are at a playground, tell them not to venture over the little hill, past that tree, or into the street. If they need to use the restroom, come and tell you first before going in by themselves. That kind of thing. But you have to let the three year old explore while you keep one eye on them at all times. Hanging out with other moms makes this harder. You can't be afraid to say, "hold that thought, I'll be right back" if the older one is making a break for it (ha). Your kids always take precedence over the mom group. If you need to follow your 1-year-old around -- and putting stuff off the ground into their mouth is a very good reason to do so! -- then you follow your 1-year-old around. The moms can wait. |
Anonymous
| 1 year olds generally need a helicopter! But so much depends on the specific kid. DS loved other kids so I never worried that he'd run off, he would always be with the bigger kids. DD, however, would always be off to a quiet spot or chasing after a bug so I had to keep a close eye on her. |
Anonymous
| 1 and 2 are so hard! I don't fault you at all. 2 year olds can kind of do their own thing but I wouldn't leave my 2 year old alone with my cat, let alone a 1 year old sibling. The 1 year old needs the attention for sure. |
Anonymous
I think you need to reframe this in your mind from "just a little bit older" to "twice as old". The difference between 1 or 2 and 3 or 4 is huge. It's easily as as big as the difference between a 6 month old who isn't crawling and a 12 month old whose running. Or a 21 year old who is still in college, and 42 year old me with a teenager and younger kids too. I have no idea if you're being overprotective, but things will get better. |
Anonymous
|
Those "1 to 2 years older" are HUGE!
In 2 years you'll have a 3 and 5 year old, and life will be soooo much easier. You're in the intense phase now. It will pass. (And then you'll have a 13 and 15 year old and... well... totally different kind of intense.) |
Anonymous
| OP here, just want to thank everyone for their truly thoughtful replies and advice. I really appreciate the support! |
Anonymous
| Yup. Sounds about right for the age. I have a 5 year old and 20 month old. The toddler needs supervision because shes a climber and will go onto big kids equipment etc. The older one never did when she was that age actually. |