Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare

[Anonymous]

Did anyone else feel this way? How did you overcome your reservations? Partly because I don’t trust anyone to take as good care as a family member would, partly because I’m a control freak. Family help isn’t an option as parents moved away.

[Anonymous]

How old is your child? A 1 month old needs very different kinds of care than a 3 year old.

[Anonymous]

I did not feel this way, but I will say that you are going to have to relinquish control. Your kid(s) will spend most of their lives outside of your immediate control. I personally think there is more accountability in a center-based daycare where there are 2+ adults present at all times, but you can give more specific instructions to a nanny.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to get over your control freak tendencies. Not just for working, as that is up to you, but for generally learning to parent in a healthy manner. Are your kids going to be in your care 24/7 until they turn 18? At some point you will have to send them to school, where they will away from you and in the care of others.

[Anonymous]

Check nanny references carefully. Many are better than grandma, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? A 1 month old needs very different kinds of care than a 3 year old.

6 months. We are not considering daycare at all because we want individualized attention for baby. But I can’t imagine managing a nanny either. During my parental leave, I spent a lot of time at local parks and just wasn’t that impressed with level of interaction. Everyone talks about the educated trained nanny but a true Mary poppins type is so rare.

[Anonymous]

I struggled because I was a Nanny for years and hated the thought of putting my own child in daycare. We had a family friend for the first year but then at 17 mos DD started at a daycare center. Out of all the options I felt like a center was the safest because of multiple adults and more accountability. My kid thrived, she loved it. She only went 3 days a week but it was good for her.

[Anonymous]

How old is baby? Could this be PPA?

[Anonymous]

I can't relate personally to your daycare concerns but maybe a nanny share is a good compromise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? A 1 month old needs very different kinds of care than a 3 year old.

6 months. We are not considering daycare at all because we want individualized attention for baby. But I can’t imagine managing a nanny either. During my parental leave, I spent a lot of time at local parks and just wasn’t that impressed with level of interaction. Everyone talks about the educated trained nanny but a true Mary poppins type is so rare.

Okay. But a lot of experienced parents and caregivers know that “benign neglect” is how kids thrive, especially when they’re older, which can be hard for a FTM of an infant to get. So you would just need to find a nanny who agreed to interact constantly with the kid even when he was trying to play at a playground. I am trying to say it nicely but it’s hard! Point is, you can find a nanny who will do what you want. But it would be better to look deep and be sure what you want is actually good for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Daycare is much better IMO.

-someone with a nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? A 1 month old needs very different kinds of care than a 3 year old.

6 months. We are not considering daycare at all because we want individualized attention for baby. But I can’t imagine managing a nanny either. During my parental leave, I spent a lot of time at local parks and just wasn’t that impressed with level of interaction. Everyone talks about the educated trained nanny but a true Mary poppins type is so rare.

I say this with love and understanding, from the perspective of one who Has Been There: you have to get a grip. No one is going to be Mary Poppins all the time. Not you, not another family member, not actual Mary Poppins. And that's a good thing! You don't want your 6 month old constantly interacted with -- they need time to get used to being inside their own head, processing things on their own. Parks are actually an ideal time to do this, because there's so much for them to observe. It's a balance.

Your baby will thrive with a good nanny, a good daycare, a good family member, or you. Really. A lot of new parents start out with this idea that their baby requires Absolute Perfection at all times. Almost all of those parents quickly learn that 1) that doesn't exist, and 2) it isn't actually what the baby needs, anyway. The sooner you learn that, the happier you and your family will be.

Interview a bunch of nannies. Find one who seems warm and energetic, who seems to truly love taking care of kids, who's responsible and honest, and who will work with you. It'll be fine. I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? A 1 month old needs very different kinds of care than a 3 year old.

6 months. We are not considering daycare at all because we want individualized attention for baby. But I can’t imagine managing a nanny either. During my parental leave, I spent a lot of time at local parks and just wasn’t that impressed with level of interaction. Everyone talks about the educated trained nanny but a true Mary poppins type is so rare.

I completely say this in a respectful way, then you should not go back to work and you should take care of your child. Mary Poppins type doesn’t even exist! And if you really look at what she did she lost the kids, took them on an unauthorized field trip to dance with penguins and allowed them two cover themselves in hazardous chimney soot.

I said that jokingly and I hope you can understand. Nannies are just human and devoting 100% attention and interaction with a child is impossible and also not healthy for the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? A 1 month old needs very different kinds of care than a 3 year old.

6 months. We are not considering daycare at all because we want individualized attention for baby. But I can’t imagine managing a nanny either. During my parental leave, I spent a lot of time at local parks and just wasn’t that impressed with level of interaction. Everyone talks about the educated trained nanny but a true Mary poppins type is so rare.

I completely say this in a respectful way, then you should not go back to work and you should take care of your child. Mary Poppins type doesn’t even exist! And if you really look at what she did she lost the kids, took them on an unauthorized field trip to dance with penguins and allowed them two cover themselves in hazardous chimney soot.

I said that jokingly and I hope you can understand. Nannies are just human and devoting 100% attention and interaction with a child is impossible and also not healthy for the children.

Plus she let them play by themselves in that chalk painting while she had a jolly holiday with Bert.

[Anonymous]

Can you work from home for a time? Being one room away from the nanny for a few months might calm your fears. I didn't have this level of fear, but we fell into this anyway because of the pandemic, and I'll tell you, I have 1000% confidence in our nanny having been nearby for six months. She's just so obviously fantastic, that leaving to go back to the office (soon!) isn't even making me a smidge nervous.

Additionally, are there specific things that you're concerned about? If I knew the nature of your fears, I might be able to give more specific advice. For me, my biggest concern was sleep training/hygiene. We had worked really hard to sleep train our baby and get him on a good schedule and I needed someone who would stick with that - but that's the kind of thing you can interview for, and leave specific instructions. So, maybe it's "Type A" but when I say baby needs to be put down for naps at 10:15am and 3pm, and to stick to our specific bedtime routine, I mean it, and we got a nanny who is more than happy to comply. Is it something like that? Or just general safety?

More broadly - I do think you're going to need to let go of some of your control tendencies. They're just not practical with a child. Even if you stayed home, eventually he'll go to kindergarten, or you'll go away for a weekend, and you need to learn to let go. Some therapy might help, you might have some PPA. Additionally - do you have a spouse/partner? How are you with letting go to him? That's a good "baby step" for lots of Type A moms, and it's CRUCIAL for your and your baby's well being.