Want to work but uncomfortable with nanny or daycare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids don’t need the “very best care” to thrive, even if we could all agree what that is. Fact is, most of what you do just doesn’t matter much in the long run and usually even in the short run. Your control-freak tendencies are no more likely to lead to a great outcome for your kid than someone else’s more laid-back approach. I think that can be very hard to see when kids are super young, but usually you realize it more and more as they grow older. This is one of the benefits of subsequent kids- you can see the importance of their own personality (for better or worse) as you parent the same, but have grossly different results.

I agree that looooooong term it may not matter, but it does matter in the first 15-18 years! I truly believe it does. Who the kid is around is who the kid is going to be/act like.

I can tell a kid who has been in daycare from a kid with a FT at home nanny from a kid with a SAH parent. How they act, what they expect, etc.

That is ridiculous. You cannot tell whether a teenager had a nanny or a SAHP or was in daycare. No way.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say that the advice and support on this thread so far has been amazing! I'm not OP, but have had similar struggles with control/letting go, and I find these posts are incredibly on point and useful while being non-judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids don’t need the “very best care” to thrive, even if we could all agree what that is. Fact is, most of what you do just doesn’t matter much in the long run and usually even in the short run. Your control-freak tendencies are no more likely to lead to a great outcome for your kid than someone else’s more laid-back approach. I think that can be very hard to see when kids are super young, but usually you realize it more and more as they grow older. This is one of the benefits of subsequent kids- you can see the importance of their own personality (for better or worse) as you parent the same, but have grossly different results.

I agree that looooooong term it may not matter, but it does matter in the first 15-18 years! I truly believe it does. Who the kid is around is who the kid is going to be/act like.

I can tell a kid who has been in daycare from a kid with a FT at home nanny from a kid with a SAH parent. How they act, what they expect, etc.

That is ridiculous. You cannot tell whether a teenager had a nanny or a SAHP or was in daycare. No way.

Through middle school I absolutely can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids don’t need the “very best care” to thrive, even if we could all agree what that is. Fact is, most of what you do just doesn’t matter much in the long run and usually even in the short run. Your control-freak tendencies are no more likely to lead to a great outcome for your kid than someone else’s more laid-back approach. I think that can be very hard to see when kids are super young, but usually you realize it more and more as they grow older. This is one of the benefits of subsequent kids- you can see the importance of their own personality (for better or worse) as you parent the same, but have grossly different results.

I agree that looooooong term it may not matter, but it does matter in the first 15-18 years! I truly believe it does. Who the kid is around is who the kid is going to be/act like.

I can tell a kid who has been in daycare from a kid with a FT at home nanny from a kid with a SAH parent. How they act, what they expect, etc.

Bullshit. That assumes that all SAH parents parent the same, all nannies nanny the same, all preschools are the same. They're not.

[Anonymous]

How did I overcome it? I need a paycheck or we will be homeless and starving.

[Anonymous]

I felt this way and I stayed home. I don’t think it is a good idea to put a 6 month old in care.

That said there are some really good nannies out there. The nannies talk a lot on the playground about their employers, and a lot of them put up with really terrible behavior from the parents. So I guess...pay well and treat nannies right and they will take decent care of your kid.

[Anonymous]

I’ve worked as a nanny. I’m educated with a Master’s degree in education. In order to get a nanny like this, you need to be willing to pay for it. There are nanny agencies that specialize in educated nannies but they aren’t cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids don’t need the “very best care” to thrive, even if we could all agree what that is. Fact is, most of what you do just doesn’t matter much in the long run and usually even in the short run. Your control-freak tendencies are no more likely to lead to a great outcome for your kid than someone else’s more laid-back approach. I think that can be very hard to see when kids are super young, but usually you realize it more and more as they grow older. This is one of the benefits of subsequent kids- you can see the importance of their own personality (for better or worse) as you parent the same, but have grossly different results.

I agree that looooooong term it may not matter, but it does matter in the first 15-18 years! I truly believe it does. Who the kid is around is who the kid is going to be/act like.

I can tell a kid who has been in daycare from a kid with a FT at home nanny from a kid with a SAH parent. How they act, what they expect, etc.

Bullshit. That assumes that all SAH parents parent the same, all nannies nanny the same, all preschools are the same. They're not.

She's insane.

[Anonymous]

I sobbed before I put my sweet baby in daycare. But then: you watch them thrive in completely different ways than they had been. Like I realized I was bit too dependent on using a baby holder device (bouncer, rock n play, even propping in the boppy). Our daycare let the babies roll around on the floor. It sounds stranger, but it is absolutely the best thing for developing their strength and freedom of movement. This is just one example.

Having someone else have some hours with your child can be a very positive thing. Our provider was amazing. I'm even more grateful for her now that my kids are older because she really helped me become a mom! She was an in home who came highly recommended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did I overcome it? I need a paycheck or we will be homeless and starving.

With therapy. You need to figure out where the need for control comes from and ways to cope with not having total control. Even if you didn't need to work, being a control freak as a parent is unhealthy for your child. You owe it to your kid to work on this.

[Anonymous]

I sure AF can tell when a boyfriend had a SAHM. Because he tends to suck.

[Anonymous]

When I put my first baby in daycare, I started with leaving her for only an hour the first day and gradually built up over the first couple weeks, while peeking in on her repeatedly even during those short periods from where she couldn't see me. That's how I got over it.

My second baby I dropped off for a full day right away, and only peeked in twice that first day and then came back a few random times to nurse her during the next couple weeks.

Third baby, I don't remember, but think I just dropped him off for full days and I'm not even sure I bothered checking in to peek the first week.

All the same daycare, with two out of three of the same lead staff in the room. So that was how I got over it. Experience and developing some relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids don’t need the “very best care” to thrive, even if we could all agree what that is. Fact is, most of what you do just doesn’t matter much in the long run and usually even in the short run. Your control-freak tendencies are no more likely to lead to a great outcome for your kid than someone else’s more laid-back approach. I think that can be very hard to see when kids are super young, but usually you realize it more and more as they grow older. This is one of the benefits of subsequent kids- you can see the importance of their own personality (for better or worse) as you parent the same, but have grossly different results.

I agree that looooooong term it may not matter, but it does matter in the first 15-18 years! I truly believe it does. Who the kid is around is who the kid is going to be/act like.

I can tell a kid who has been in daycare from a kid with a FT at home nanny from a kid with a SAH parent. How they act, what they expect, etc.

That is ridiculous. You cannot tell whether a teenager had a nanny or a SAHP or was in daycare. No way.

Through middle school I absolutely can.

PP, for curiosity's sake, how do you know you can? Are you observing a 7th grader, and then going up to their parents and asking whether the kid was in a daycare? Do you have some kind of "Guess Your Kid's Childcare" booth at a fair?

[Anonymous]

I didn’t have a choice. I have to work to sustain our household Both sets of grandparents live abroad and are anyway too old to provide full time childcare. We found a wonderful in-home when I had to go back after 4 months of maternity leave and toddler is thriving.

[Anonymous]

I understand your concerns. Your little one is an infant and obviously they can't voice their needs yet. I was a nanny from the time I was 19 to 33, and even when finding care now for my ds, I tend to be very cautious.

If you do decide to go the nanny route, look for someone with years of experience, professional references, CPR and First Aid certified, as well as knowing how to do Heimlich. Have candidates do a phone interview first, then meet up and see how they interact with your baby. It's also important that if they don't have a car or drive, you plan a back-up option in case of emergencies if you won't be home. I'm bilingual, English/Spanish, and it's important that whoever you hire can at minimum speak conversational English imo, again, in case of emergencies. If you plan to be working from home, please let candidates know from the beginning. Some aren't comfortable with that, which I completely understand. If you have cameras in the home, let candidates know out of courtesy please. Please pay your nanny 52 weeks a year, whether or not you need care because of giving time off for vacation, holidays, etc. Best of luck!