Please give me some resources that can help my DH with balancing limits and agency

[Anonymous]

My DH is a wonderfully loving father. But our kid is 5 and he still makes these boneheaded parenting mistakes that are so frustrating and wind up making things so much harder for me! He doesn't like reading parenting books. He is well intentioned but needs some guidance on this issue and I don't want to be the wife telling her DH how to parent, so I'm looking for external resources.

The main issue is that he struggles to figure out when to be strict and set limits, and when to give her options and agency. For instance:

- It's dinner time. He's making dinner. He will go in DD's rooms and say "Do you want x or y?" DD will say she doesn't want either and actually doesn't want dinner. Then DH will say "Why not?" and try to engage her in a conversation about whether or not she is hungry and why it is important to eat dinner. Meanwhile, a half hour has passed and DD is getting increasingly cranky (because she hasn't eaten!). I've explained to him that meals are one of those things you can just put in front of them and they can eat or not eat, but we don't need to cater to her every whim. But then he gets mad if he serves her food and she won't eat it, which is why he gives her options.... drives me crazy. Also results in me making dinner a lot, or having to make her a special plate because she's used to getting alternatives from him.

- But on the flip side, sometimes DD will want to do something her own weird way, and DH will get really militant and say she can't even though it's just really not something that matters. Like she'll want to wear her coat even though it's 80 degrees outside. My feeling is -- ok, wear your coat, but if you get hot, you need to bring a backpack to put it in so I don't have to carry it around. Or sometimes I'll just carry it around because, whatever, it's a coat. Whereas DH will go ten rounds on why she can't wear her coat and we can't get her out the door and everyone is crying and miserable and we're late.

I just feel like we waste a ton of time on this because he's strict about stuff that is no big deal, but then really indulgent about stuff where I think we can set stricter limits (and where I've found she actually does better with limits because I think she needs the structure). I don't read a ton of parenting books either but I feel like my methods result in things happening in a timely manner and everyone being calm and relatively happy, and his often result in fights over absolutely nothing.

Does anyone have some recommendations for resources that might be helpful to my DH? Like I said, he is very loving and wants to be a good dad, but is just struggling with this aspect of relating to a young child. I think with the right guidance he could do better and both he and I (and our DD!) would be happier. TIA for suggestions.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you and your DH have different styles, but that neither of you is right or wrong. Setting up a dynamic where his choices are seen as "boneheaded" and yours as "right" or where you blame him because of issues between you and your kid during meals you serve, is really harmful.

When he is parenting, stay out of it. If your kid is old enough to have a conversation about what they want for dinner, than eating 30 minutes late isn't going to hurt them. Neither is being told not to wear a coat when it's 80 degrees. Seeing their mother treat their father with contempt will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you and your DH have different styles, but that neither of you is right or wrong. Setting up a dynamic where his choices are seen as "boneheaded" and yours as "right" or where you blame him because of issues between you and your kid during meals you serve, is really harmful.

When he is parenting, stay out of it. If your kid is old enough to have a conversation about what they want for dinner, than eating 30 minutes late isn't going to hurt them. Neither is being told not to wear a coat when it's 80 degrees. Seeing their mother treat their father with contempt will.

This. I would have a simple discussion with him as to what rules are important in the house and you need to be a united front ( maybe dinner is ins if thise maybe not).

[Anonymous]

In our house, we have a rule “his day, his way” As long and he doesn’t feed the kid arsenic, the only wrong answer is “ask mom” when it’s not my turn to do something, or I’m away for some reason. The kid will adapt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a wonderfully loving father. But our kid is 5 and he still makes these boneheaded parenting mistakes that are so frustrating and wind up making things so much harder for me! He doesn't like reading parenting books. He is well intentioned but needs some guidance on this issue and I don't want to be the wife telling her DH how to parent, so I'm looking for external resources.

The main issue is that he struggles to figure out when to be strict and set limits, and when to give her options and agency. For instance:

- It's dinner time. He's making dinner. He will go in DD's rooms and say "Do you want x or y?" DD will say she doesn't want either and actually doesn't want dinner. Then DH will say "Why not?" and try to engage her in a conversation about whether or not she is hungry and why it is important to eat dinner. Meanwhile, a half hour has passed and DD is getting increasingly cranky (because she hasn't eaten!). I've explained to him that meals are one of those things you can just put in front of them and they can eat or not eat, but we don't need to cater to her every whim. But then he gets mad if he serves her food and she won't eat it, which is why he gives her options.... drives me crazy. Also results in me making dinner a lot, or having to make her a special plate because she's used to getting alternatives from him.

- But on the flip side, sometimes DD will want to do something her own weird way, and DH will get really militant and say she can't even though it's just really not something that matters. Like she'll want to wear her coat even though it's 80 degrees outside. My feeling is -- ok, wear your coat, but if you get hot, you need to bring a backpack to put it in so I don't have to carry it around. Or sometimes I'll just carry it around because, whatever, it's a coat. Whereas DH will go ten rounds on why she can't wear her coat and we can't get her out the door and everyone is crying and miserable and we're late.

I just feel like we waste a ton of time on this because he's strict about stuff that is no big deal, but then really indulgent about stuff where I think we can set stricter limits (and where I've found she actually does better with limits because I think she needs the structure). I don't read a ton of parenting books either but I feel like my methods result in things happening in a timely manner and everyone being calm and relatively happy, and his often result in fights over absolutely nothing.

Does anyone have some recommendations for resources that might be helpful to my DH? Like I said, he is very loving and wants to be a good dad, but is just struggling with this aspect of relating to a young child. I think with the right guidance he could do better and both he and I (and our DD!) would be happier. TIA for suggestions.

I am team DH on both examples. Your judgment of him is the real problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a wonderfully loving father. But our kid is 5 and he still makes these boneheaded parenting mistakes that are so frustrating and wind up making things so much harder for me! He doesn't like reading parenting books. He is well intentioned but needs some guidance on this issue and I don't want to be the wife telling her DH how to parent, so I'm looking for external resources.

The main issue is that he struggles to figure out when to be strict and set limits, and when to give her options and agency. For instance:

- It's dinner time. He's making dinner. He will go in DD's rooms and say "Do you want x or y?" DD will say she doesn't want either and actually doesn't want dinner. Then DH will say "Why not?" and try to engage her in a conversation about whether or not she is hungry and why it is important to eat dinner. Meanwhile, a half hour has passed and DD is getting increasingly cranky (because she hasn't eaten!). I've explained to him that meals are one of those things you can just put in front of them and they can eat or not eat, but we don't need to cater to her every whim. But then he gets mad if he serves her food and she won't eat it, which is why he gives her options.... drives me crazy. Also results in me making dinner a lot, or having to make her a special plate because she's used to getting alternatives from him.

- But on the flip side, sometimes DD will want to do something her own weird way, and DH will get really militant and say she can't even though it's just really not something that matters. Like she'll want to wear her coat even though it's 80 degrees outside. My feeling is -- ok, wear your coat, but if you get hot, you need to bring a backpack to put it in so I don't have to carry it around. Or sometimes I'll just carry it around because, whatever, it's a coat. Whereas DH will go ten rounds on why she can't wear her coat and we can't get her out the door and everyone is crying and miserable and we're late.

I just feel like we waste a ton of time on this because he's strict about stuff that is no big deal, but then really indulgent about stuff where I think we can set stricter limits (and where I've found she actually does better with limits because I think she needs the structure). I don't read a ton of parenting books either but I feel like my methods result in things happening in a timely manner and everyone being calm and relatively happy, and his often result in fights over absolutely nothing.

Does anyone have some recommendations for resources that might be helpful to my DH? Like I said, he is very loving and wants to be a good dad, but is just struggling with this aspect of relating to a young child. I think with the right guidance he could do better and both he and I (and our DD!) would be happier. TIA for suggestions.

OP I am with you. Dinner served is dinner served and at least one thing is something that my kid will eat (rice, beans, fruit, etc.). Based on Kids Eat in Color viewpoint. Dinner isnt a choice.

The coat thing is also not something to make as a battle. She is allowed to dress herself for autonomy- its one thing they can do independently. I would work on providing a chart/visual aid and/or reading books about weather and appropriate clothing.

Your DH has boundaries backwards and their does need to be a general consensus on MAJOR items like feeding and clothing. These are everyday things and should be consistent. Have him explain to you why dinner is a choice but wearing a coat is not. If she says she isnt hungry then believe her. If she decides to bring a coat, believe that she will know if she is hot or not. One its learning and two is respect for her and her statements. If you ask her hey do you like ice cream and she goes No. Would your DH probe why she doesnt like ice cream because she just ate it last week?
If DH is more visual would he like IG? I follow Dr. Siggi, institute of child psychology, _grobrain, seed.and.sew, gentleparenting_memes, kidseatincolor, and a local mom connectingwithkatrina.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a wonderfully loving father. But our kid is 5 and he still makes these boneheaded parenting mistakes that are so frustrating and wind up making things so much harder for me! He doesn't like reading parenting books. He is well intentioned but needs some guidance on this issue and I don't want to be the wife telling her DH how to parent, so I'm looking for external resources.

The main issue is that he struggles to figure out when to be strict and set limits, and when to give her options and agency. For instance:

- It's dinner time. He's making dinner. He will go in DD's rooms and say "Do you want x or y?" DD will say she doesn't want either and actually doesn't want dinner. Then DH will say "Why not?" and try to engage her in a conversation about whether or not she is hungry and why it is important to eat dinner. Meanwhile, a half hour has passed and DD is getting increasingly cranky (because she hasn't eaten!). I've explained to him that meals are one of those things you can just put in front of them and they can eat or not eat, but we don't need to cater to her every whim. But then he gets mad if he serves her food and she won't eat it, which is why he gives her options.... drives me crazy. Also results in me making dinner a lot, or having to make her a special plate because she's used to getting alternatives from him.

- But on the flip side, sometimes DD will want to do something her own weird way, and DH will get really militant and say she can't even though it's just really not something that matters. Like she'll want to wear her coat even though it's 80 degrees outside. My feeling is -- ok, wear your coat, but if you get hot, you need to bring a backpack to put it in so I don't have to carry it around. Or sometimes I'll just carry it around because, whatever, it's a coat. Whereas DH will go ten rounds on why she can't wear her coat and we can't get her out the door and everyone is crying and miserable and we're late.

I just feel like we waste a ton of time on this because he's strict about stuff that is no big deal, but then really indulgent about stuff where I think we can set stricter limits (and where I've found she actually does better with limits because I think she needs the structure). I don't read a ton of parenting books either but I feel like my methods result in things happening in a timely manner and everyone being calm and relatively happy, and his often result in fights over absolutely nothing.

Does anyone have some recommendations for resources that might be helpful to my DH? Like I said, he is very loving and wants to be a good dad, but is just struggling with this aspect of relating to a young child. I think with the right guidance he could do better and both he and I (and our DD!) would be happier. TIA for suggestions.

It's just different parenting styles and your DD will eventually learn to adapt to both styles. You will need to figure out which battles to pick. For example regarding the coat, it's not a big deal if dad insists she can't wear the coat. Yes, it'll take longer to get out of the house but you need to not to get upset about it and she will learn eventually that when Daddy says no it's no.

[Anonymous]

Accept the things you cannot change. Him. I, too, would find his behavior irritating. But your attempt to make him different would also irritate me. Find a way to make peace with this and forge your own path - whatever that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a wonderfully loving father. But our kid is 5 and he still makes these boneheaded parenting mistakes that are so frustrating and wind up making things so much harder for me! He doesn't like reading parenting books. He is well intentioned but needs some guidance on this issue and I don't want to be the wife telling her DH how to parent, so I'm looking for external resources.

The main issue is that he struggles to figure out when to be strict and set limits, and when to give her options and agency. For instance:

- It's dinner time. He's making dinner. He will go in DD's rooms and say "Do you want x or y?" DD will say she doesn't want either and actually doesn't want dinner. Then DH will say "Why not?" and try to engage her in a conversation about whether or not she is hungry and why it is important to eat dinner. Meanwhile, a half hour has passed and DD is getting increasingly cranky (because she hasn't eaten!). I've explained to him that meals are one of those things you can just put in front of them and they can eat or not eat, but we don't need to cater to her every whim. But then he gets mad if he serves her food and she won't eat it, which is why he gives her options.... drives me crazy. Also results in me making dinner a lot, or having to make her a special plate because she's used to getting alternatives from him.

- But on the flip side, sometimes DD will want to do something her own weird way, and DH will get really militant and say she can't even though it's just really not something that matters. Like she'll want to wear her coat even though it's 80 degrees outside. My feeling is -- ok, wear your coat, but if you get hot, you need to bring a backpack to put it in so I don't have to carry it around. Or sometimes I'll just carry it around because, whatever, it's a coat. Whereas DH will go ten rounds on why she can't wear her coat and we can't get her out the door and everyone is crying and miserable and we're late.

I just feel like we waste a ton of time on this because he's strict about stuff that is no big deal, but then really indulgent about stuff where I think we can set stricter limits (and where I've found she actually does better with limits because I think she needs the structure). I don't read a ton of parenting books either but I feel like my methods result in things happening in a timely manner and everyone being calm and relatively happy, and his often result in fights over absolutely nothing.

Does anyone have some recommendations for resources that might be helpful to my DH? Like I said, he is very loving and wants to be a good dad, but is just struggling with this aspect of relating to a young child. I think with the right guidance he could do better and both he and I (and our DD!) would be happier. TIA for suggestions.

OP I am with you. Dinner served is dinner served and at least one thing is something that my kid will eat (rice, beans, fruit, etc.). Based on Kids Eat in Color viewpoint. Dinner isnt a choice.

The coat thing is also not something to make as a battle. She is allowed to dress herself for autonomy- its one thing they can do independently. I would work on providing a chart/visual aid and/or reading books about weather and appropriate clothing.

Your DH has boundaries backwards and their does need to be a general consensus on MAJOR items like feeding and clothing. These are everyday things and should be consistent. Have him explain to you why dinner is a choice but wearing a coat is not. If she says she isnt hungry then believe her. If she decides to bring a coat, believe that she will know if she is hot or not. One its learning and two is respect for her and her statements. If you ask her hey do you like ice cream and she goes No. Would your DH probe why she doesnt like ice cream because she just ate it last week?
If DH is more visual would he like IG? I follow Dr. Siggi, institute of child psychology, _grobrain, seed.and.sew, gentleparenting_memes, kidseatincolor, and a local mom connectingwithkatrina.

Dinner is a choice and the coat isn't is no more or less rational than the coat is a choice and dinner isn't.

It seems that when OP decides to make something not a choice, and her kid has a fit, it's her DH's fault because he spoiled her, according to her. But when her DH makes something not a choice, and her kid has a fit, it's also her DH's fault because he shouldn't set limits.

How does that dynamic make her DH feel? How does it communicate to her daughter that she should respect her Dad?

Either respect that you do things different ways, and stop micromanaging him. Or communicate and both compromise.

[Anonymous]

Team DH. You don't need to micromanage him.

[Anonymous]

Team DW but I would keep my mouth shut and let him figure this out on his own. Your DD will be a different kid in 6 months and these battles could change into different ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a wonderfully loving father. But our kid is 5 and he still makes these boneheaded parenting mistakes that are so frustrating and wind up making things so much harder for me! He doesn't like reading parenting books. He is well intentioned but needs some guidance on this issue and I don't want to be the wife telling her DH how to parent, so I'm looking for external resources.

The main issue is that he struggles to figure out when to be strict and set limits, and when to give her options and agency. For instance:

- It's dinner time. He's making dinner. He will go in DD's rooms and say "Do you want x or y?" DD will say she doesn't want either and actually doesn't want dinner. Then DH will say "Why not?" and try to engage her in a conversation about whether or not she is hungry and why it is important to eat dinner. Meanwhile, a half hour has passed and DD is getting increasingly cranky (because she hasn't eaten!). I've explained to him that meals are one of those things you can just put in front of them and they can eat or not eat, but we don't need to cater to her every whim. But then he gets mad if he serves her food and she won't eat it, which is why he gives her options.... drives me crazy. Also results in me making dinner a lot, or having to make her a special plate because she's used to getting alternatives from him.

- But on the flip side, sometimes DD will want to do something her own weird way, and DH will get really militant and say she can't even though it's just really not something that matters. Like she'll want to wear her coat even though it's 80 degrees outside. My feeling is -- ok, wear your coat, but if you get hot, you need to bring a backpack to put it in so I don't have to carry it around. Or sometimes I'll just carry it around because, whatever, it's a coat. Whereas DH will go ten rounds on why she can't wear her coat and we can't get her out the door and everyone is crying and miserable and we're late.

I just feel like we waste a ton of time on this because he's strict about stuff that is no big deal, but then really indulgent about stuff where I think we can set stricter limits (and where I've found she actually does better with limits because I think she needs the structure). I don't read a ton of parenting books either but I feel like my methods result in things happening in a timely manner and everyone being calm and relatively happy, and his often result in fights over absolutely nothing.

Does anyone have some recommendations for resources that might be helpful to my DH? Like I said, he is very loving and wants to be a good dad, but is just struggling with this aspect of relating to a young child. I think with the right guidance he could do better and both he and I (and our DD!) would be happier. TIA for suggestions.

OP I am with you. Dinner served is dinner served and at least one thing is something that my kid will eat (rice, beans, fruit, etc.). Based on Kids Eat in Color viewpoint. Dinner isnt a choice.

The coat thing is also not something to make as a battle. She is allowed to dress herself for autonomy- its one thing they can do independently. I would work on providing a chart/visual aid and/or reading books about weather and appropriate clothing.

Your DH has boundaries backwards and their does need to be a general consensus on MAJOR items like feeding and clothing. These are everyday things and should be consistent. Have him explain to you why dinner is a choice but wearing a coat is not. If she says she isnt hungry then believe her. If she decides to bring a coat, believe that she will know if she is hot or not. One its learning and two is respect for her and her statements. If you ask her hey do you like ice cream and she goes No. Would your DH probe why she doesnt like ice cream because she just ate it last week?
If DH is more visual would he like IG? I follow Dr. Siggi, institute of child psychology, _grobrain, seed.and.sew, gentleparenting_memes, kidseatincolor, and a local mom connectingwithkatrina.

Dinner is a choice and the coat isn't is no more or less rational than the coat is a choice and dinner isn't.

It seems that when OP decides to make something not a choice, and her kid has a fit, it's her DH's fault because he spoiled her, according to her. But when her DH makes something not a choice, and her kid has a fit, it's also her DH's fault because he shouldn't set limits.

How does that dynamic make her DH feel? How does it communicate to her daughter that she should respect her Dad?

Either respect that you do things different ways, and stop micromanaging him. Or communicate and both compromise.

DINNER is a family activity cooked by one or two people that takes time. A coat is individual and hers. Her choice to make. Family choices are not hers to make. She can have input at 5 years old- for example, Hey Larla I am deciding what to make this week. Would you like to choose what we have for dinner on Tuesday? But giving her choices or arguing with her that she must eat or not is not going to end well.

[Anonymous]

Stop saving him. If he wants to have a long drawn out convo about dinner then he can make it for her. If he wants to fight about a coat then just leave them there to figure it out or let your husband explain why.

[Anonymous]

Your whole question reads as "How can I get my husband to realize that my approach to parenting is infinitely better than his and get to just do what I say."

So first of all, there is no book like that.

Second of all, your way is NOT better.

Third of all, learn to compromise!! Find a middle ground. They're his kids, too.

[Anonymous]

Literally none of this matters. Neither of you is right or wrong. This are strange hills to die upon.