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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DH is a wonderfully loving father. But our kid is 5 and he still makes these boneheaded parenting mistakes that are so frustrating and wind up making things so much harder for me! He doesn't like reading parenting books. He is well intentioned but needs some guidance on this issue and I don't want to be the wife telling her DH how to parent, so I'm looking for external resources.

The main issue is that he struggles to figure out when to be strict and set limits, and when to give her options and agency. For instance:

- It's dinner time. He's making dinner. He will go in DD's rooms and say "Do you want x or y?" DD will say she doesn't want either and actually doesn't want dinner. Then DH will say "Why not?" and try to engage her in a conversation about whether or not she is hungry and why it is important to eat dinner. Meanwhile, a half hour has passed and DD is getting increasingly cranky (because she hasn't eaten!). I've explained to him that meals are one of those things you can just put in front of them and they can eat or not eat, but we don't need to cater to her every whim. But then he gets mad if he serves her food and she won't eat it, which is why he gives her options.... drives me crazy. Also results in me making dinner a lot, or having to make her a special plate because she's used to getting alternatives from him.

- But on the flip side, sometimes DD will want to do something her own weird way, and DH will get really militant and say she can't even though it's just really not something that matters. Like she'll want to wear her coat even though it's 80 degrees outside. My feeling is -- ok, wear your coat, but if you get hot, you need to bring a backpack to put it in so I don't have to carry it around. Or sometimes I'll just carry it around because, whatever, it's a coat. Whereas DH will go ten rounds on why she can't wear her coat and we can't get her out the door and everyone is crying and miserable and we're late.

I just feel like we waste a ton of time on this because he's strict about stuff that is no big deal, but then really indulgent about stuff where I think we can set stricter limits (and where I've found she actually does better with limits because I think she needs the structure). I don't read a ton of parenting books either but I feel like my methods result in things happening in a timely manner and everyone being calm and relatively happy, and his often result in fights over absolutely nothing.

Does anyone have some recommendations for resources that might be helpful to my DH? Like I said, he is very loving and wants to be a good dad, but is just struggling with this aspect of relating to a young child. I think with the right guidance he could do better and both he and I (and our DD!) would be happier. TIA for suggestions.[/quote]

OP I am with you. Dinner served is dinner served and at least one thing is something that my kid will eat (rice, beans, fruit, etc.). Based on Kids Eat in Color viewpoint. Dinner isnt a choice.

The coat thing is also not something to make as a battle. She is allowed to dress herself for autonomy- its one thing they can do independently. I would work on providing a chart/visual aid and/or reading books about weather and appropriate clothing.

Your DH has boundaries backwards and their does need to be a general consensus on MAJOR items like feeding and clothing. These are everyday things and should be consistent. Have him explain to you why dinner is a choice but wearing a coat is not. If she says she isnt hungry then believe her. If she decides to bring a coat, believe that she will know if she is hot or not. One its learning and two is respect for her and her statements. If you ask her hey do you like ice cream and she goes No. Would your DH probe why she doesnt like ice cream because she just ate it last week? 
If DH is more visual would he like IG? I follow Dr. Siggi, institute of child psychology, _grobrain, seed.and.sew, gentleparenting_memes, kidseatincolor, and a local mom connectingwithkatrina. [/quote]

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