Please give me some resources that can help my DH with balancing limits and agency

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your whole question reads as "How can I get my husband to realize that my approach to parenting is infinitely better than his and get to just do what I say."

So first of all, there is no book like that.

Second of all, your way is NOT better.

All the research Ive read indicates that the examples she gave are exactly why so many parents are frustrated. He gives options where its not needed and restricts when it doesnt matter. Im sure being consistent is all well and good but lots of parents are just consistent a$$holes and your kids end up seeing how nonsensical your "rules" are.

Third of all, learn to compromise!! Find a middle ground. They're his kids, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your whole question reads as "How can I get my husband to realize that my approach to parenting is infinitely better than his and get to just do what I say."

So first of all, there is no book like that.

Second of all, your way is NOT better.

Third of all, learn to compromise!! Find a middle ground. They're his kids, too.

A bunch of dumb tautologies.

[Anonymous]

You need to back off. Let them spend time together alone. Let him be a dad. He will make mistakes, he will get frustrated, he will learn. They will fight, they will make up. He will have a different relationship with her than you do. You need to let this happen. You are micromanaging their relationship and doing lots of damage.

Do not intervene.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would also be frustrated in your situation.

He IS consistent-- in the sense that he draws everything out interminably, with fair-to-poor results.

Everything is an argument/debate, a bunch of back and forth that frustrates everyone needlessly.

Your kids are being micromanaged in both cases. Not managed in an appropriate way (here's a reasonable dinner at a consistent time), nor allowing them to learn on their own what works or doesn't work (choosing their clothing). He's constantly on them-- he can't drop the rope, nor is he being a strong leader that your kids can have confidence in.

I think the way to approach this is by framing it that you all want as peaceful a household as possible. Maybe check out Aha Parenting? My DH and I are very much on the same parenting wavelength the vast majority of the time BUT if he has read 50 books on any subject in the 25 years I've known him, I'd be shocked. Aha Parenting has online courses and such-- maybe he'd be amenable to that vs a book? And it would be good for you, too. I am on your side in these two instances, but we could all use tweaks, backup, a deeper understanding of why we do what we do, etc.

It's fine enough if parents parent differently from each other. Maybe Dad allows 5 cookies and Mom only allows 1. Fine. But it's just silly to think that means literally almost anything goes and it all works out. If you were each parenting in a vacuum, fine-- but each of your decisions impacts not only your kids but also each other. Especially in the dinner example-- it's a family dinner. Not how he handles dinner when you're not in the house vs what you do when he's not in the house. It's family dinnertime.

You have to get at least partially on the same wavelength-- there have to be at least a FEW basic, fundamental agreements about what kinds of parents you want to be. I don't know why it's so controversial to suggest that! Otherwise it's just... like the @dril tweet. 75% of DCUM is like, "the wise man bowed his head solemnly and spoke: 'theres actually zero difference between good & bad things. you imbecile. you f---ing moron'"

Some things are minor differences, sure. But something like this is less a parenting difference than that what he's doing is actively counterproductive to family happiness. I'm sure he's well-intentioned and is awesome in many ways! This micromanaging he does is not awesome.

[Anonymous]

I’m Team OP. My DH has some tendencies like OP’s DH. He’s not as natural/intuitive a parent as I am. OTOH, he has a lot more patience than I do. It works better when we correct and advise each other behind the scenes, not in front of DD. We do learn from each other because we are open to getting better.

[Anonymous]

Team OP. My DH is like this too. I try not to get involved, but sometimes it seems like he could try harder or be more aware of those around him. FWIW, DH has ADHD and has difficulty staying aware of the emotions of those around him. This leads him into IMO preventable constant conflict with the kids. It’s annoying, and stressful for the kids.