strongly favored parent - how to break the cycle
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Anonymous
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Both of my kids (2 and 4) STRONGLY prefer me to my husband, the 4 year old more so. And I honestly get why - when I'm with them I'm very engaged with them, play with them, make things like getting dressed fun and silly etc. When my husband is with them he will play for a short burst but then more exist around them and when he needs them to do something (get dressed, potty etc) it'll quickly turn into a battle of wills with him trying to make the kid do something.
Its the worst at bedtime - both kids prefer me and dh will have to physically pry the one i'm not doing that not off of me while they scream to do their bedtime. the younger one calms down once he's out of sight but for the 4 yo its an awful stressful experience for both of them that involves crying and yelling. It definitely doesn't help them build their relationship. DH tries in his own way to build their relationship (trying to take the 4yo out on an adventure on the weekend) but the 4yo always tries to choose to just stay with me instead. I can't just leave b/c there's no where to go (covid) and i work so bedtime and weekends is my main time with my kids and i want to be able to spend time with one or both of them. Any advice? the 4 year old and dh seem to be locked in a cycle of negative interactions that only make it worse but just caving and letting the 4yo always be with me wouldn't be a good dynamic to solve it either. i'm having a 3rd this summer so ideally while the kids may always prefer me they'll also be happy with dad. this problem is pretty unique to dh - they're fine with the nanny, babysitters, visiting family etc - the general dynamic isn't that they're ultra clingy to me and shun everyone else. little kids don't come naturally to dh - he tries but isn't good at being fun / silly / patient and yes ideally he'd read some books or take some classes - i can't make him do that. |
Anonymous
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Reading this post, it sounds like you essentially agree with your kids: that there’s no good reason a kid would want to spend any time with your dh.
I think the answer is going to involve you changing your own signaling to the kids, and also getting away (know it’s hard with Covid). |
Anonymous
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DH takes the 4YO somewhere without you. Park, grocery store, etc. If they leave together, they will figure it out.
Yes, even during COVID. |
Anonymous
force him out the door screaming and sobbing? i'm not opposed to that just worry that its another stressful negative interaction for them both so curious to hear if it's been productive for others |
Anonymous
I do see my kids point of view but don't communicate it to the kids and strongly signal i think dad is fun, we all love each other and he wants time with them etc. But DH is definitely the stereotypical dad that doesn't know how to interact all that well with kids when they're not doing what he wants. funnily kids that aren't our LOVE him because he can have a huge ridiculous personality with kids, but thats like a short show.....the day to day grind of little kids he's found shockingly hard and difficult for him |
Anonymous
| You need to talk up Dad more. And Dad needs to be the provider of fun. "Dad will read you your favorite book!" "Dad LOVES playing catch!" |
Anonymous
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OP,
If your spouse is not a great parent, or at least not great at bonding with the children, then you need to reason and persuade your children to wait their turn with you, and to accept their father as substitute for certain things. At those age, it's very hard, but it will get better. You're trying to teach them self-control. My husband is not a physically affectionate or attentive father at all, sadly. The children always come to me for hugs and kisses and psychological support, but since they're tweens and teens now, at least they can wait their turn 
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Anonymous
NP, but yes. Or you could leave them at the house and go for a walk or read in the car by yourself. In my experience, the only thing that fixes it is time and time with the less favored parent. It sounds like your 2 year old might also be picking up signal from the 4 year old, so it might be good to have DH and the two year old go do fun things. What happens if there's a bribe involved? You go with dad and get ice cream or something like that. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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My kids have their preferred parents, but it's more chemistry than anything behavioral. DS1 was a preemie, and I cared for him day and night almost exclusively during the first few months. At 3 months old, we took him on an outing and I was prepared to take lots of pictures. When I held him he was mostly very 'meh' about it. When DH held him, his little face lit up and he could. not. stop. smiling at his dad! There's simple, electrifying chemistry between them, or witchcraft. He's been like that ever since, always daddy's little shadow. Meanwhile DH is really not that good at actual nurturing or meeting their physical needs.
DS2 took a strong preference to me from infancy. When he could talk he'd say it's because he didn't like dada's smell. DH does not smell, and he has good hygiene. It's just that DS2 prefers my smell, whatever that is (probably the artificial chemical smell of my deodorant, ha). Now that they're a bit older (DS2 is 3.5), they started to warm up more to their less preferred parent. DS1 now has moments when he only wants me, and vice versa with DS2. We haven't done anything specifically to address it, just being consistent and loving. I think you just have to wait it out. Also, take the path of least resistance. If the 2 yr old is less stubborn around DH, have him take care of that child's bedtime routine. Point being, divide and conquer and get things done. Don't worry about long term attachment b/c they will change and mellow out. |
Anonymous
You leave first. Say you're going to the store and will be right back. Then daddy can say, "hey, while mommy is at the store, how about we try/go to X?" |
Anonymous
Sure. The kid doesn't get to choose not to do things because they're with his father. Honestly, by even considering giving your kid power over this decision you are signaling to your kid that Daddy is untrustworthy and he is right to be worried and upset. |
Anonymous
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What does your husband say about this? Is he upset about it?
My instinct, honestly, is that he has to solve this problem, not you. So you need to stay out of it, keep just doing half (ie, 4 YO screaming at bedtime still gets dad when it's his turn), and be available to your husband to troubleshoot IF he asks for help. |
Anonymous
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Leave. Even during COVID. Saying you can’t is a cop out. Because...you could go around the corner or to grab a coffee in the drive-thru or whatever.
The PP that said that your DH needs to figure it out is right, but you can help. Remove yourself as an option. Your kids are playing you and him. |
Anonymous
I totally agree with this. My son preferred me when he was in that age range but it was apparent to me that it was mostly because I typically provided all the things he needed, like food, comfort, fun, I took care of him like bathing, bandaging scrapes, etc. He would play with his dad but came to me for everything else and preferred me. It didn't end until I started regularly leaving him with his dad for hours at a time, so dad could figure out how to take care of him as well as have fun with him and our son could see that dad could care for him and be a source of fun as well. It took awhile, but it worked. Just leave for a few hours at a time, maybe lengthening it as time goes on. It will be good for dad and kids, even if they don't agree at first. |