strongly favored parent - how to break the cycle

[Anonymous]

You have to leave the kids with your husband and hope they will figure it out. Just go for a walk or something if there’s nowhere to go bc of covid. But let dad have alone time w the kids more often and they should eventually develop a closer relationship. Try not to meddle in it too much but maybe leave a fun activity to do or give your husband some ideas of things that work w the kids (if your husband wants you to suggest things). My husband had zero kid experience before we had kids and it took him awhile to figure out how to parent when the kids were little. The more opportunities he had to learn to parent without me hovering/meddling, the better he got at it and the closer he and the kids became.

[Anonymous]

It's not enough to just leave the kids with him sometimes. You need to create a schedule where the kids spend time with him regularly. In our house, we take turns with bedtime -- one parent does the pre-bedtime stuff (cleaning up, pajamas, brushing teeth) and the other does actual bedtime (tucking in, story time). And then we switch. Every night. We might trade nights if one of us has plans out, so one parent will handle everything that night, but then the next night the other parent handles everything. The kids never get to pick.

And since I have the flexible work schedule and therefore do more of the weekday stuff (school drop off and pick up, and I'm with the PK kid in the afternoons 3 days a week), DH has a standing date with the kids every Saturday morning, 3-4 hours where it's just them together and I catch up on work, exercise, or just catch up on other things. Every week. No exceptions.

My kids still ask for me a lot, and definitely more than DH. But the preference simply isn't as pronounced because they are used to having their dad do things with and for them all the time. They don't view him as an occasional parent. He's a full, involved, every day parent. They might spend more time with me, but they spend regular, reliable time with him, and that's the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not enough to just leave the kids with him sometimes. You need to create a schedule where the kids spend time with him regularly. In our house, we take turns with bedtime -- one parent does the pre-bedtime stuff (cleaning up, pajamas, brushing teeth) and the other does actual bedtime (tucking in, story time). And then we switch. Every night. We might trade nights if one of us has plans out, so one parent will handle everything that night, but then the next night the other parent handles everything. The kids never get to pick.

And since I have the flexible work schedule and therefore do more of the weekday stuff (school drop off and pick up, and I'm with the PK kid in the afternoons 3 days a week), DH has a standing date with the kids every Saturday morning, 3-4 hours where it's just them together and I catch up on work, exercise, or just catch up on other things. Every week. No exceptions.

My kids still ask for me a lot, and definitely more than DH. But the preference simply isn't as pronounced because they are used to having their dad do things with and for them all the time. They don't view him as an occasional parent. He's a full, involved, every day parent. They might spend more time with me, but they spend regular, reliable time with him, and that's the difference.

This is good advice.

OP, your children need a good relationship with both parents. Try to facilitate things instead of just throwing your hands up in the air. You have a role in what's happening, by no means you are a saintly innocent bystander. Why is the only option in your mind is prying crying children off you? That just signals something. Why can't you walk around the block? Or take a long bath? The dynamic you described has consequences for the children into their adulthood. Don't be part of the problem, sit down with your husband and discuss what steps you both could take to make this better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not enough to just leave the kids with him sometimes. You need to create a schedule where the kids spend time with him regularly. In our house, we take turns with bedtime -- one parent does the pre-bedtime stuff (cleaning up, pajamas, brushing teeth) and the other does actual bedtime (tucking in, story time). And then we switch. Every night. We might trade nights if one of us has plans out, so one parent will handle everything that night, but then the next night the other parent handles everything. The kids never get to pick.

And since I have the flexible work schedule and therefore do more of the weekday stuff (school drop off and pick up, and I'm with the PK kid in the afternoons 3 days a week), DH has a standing date with the kids every Saturday morning, 3-4 hours where it's just them together and I catch up on work, exercise, or just catch up on other things. Every week. No exceptions.

My kids still ask for me a lot, and definitely more than DH. But the preference simply isn't as pronounced because they are used to having their dad do things with and for them all the time. They don't view him as an occasional parent. He's a full, involved, every day parent. They might spend more time with me, but they spend regular, reliable time with him, and that's the difference.

This is good advice.

OP, your children need a good relationship with both parents. Try to facilitate things instead of just throwing your hands up in the air. You have a role in what's happening, by no means you are a saintly innocent bystander. Why is the only option in your mind is prying crying children off you? That just signals something. Why can't you walk around the block? Or take a long bath? The dynamic you described has consequences for the children into their adulthood. Don't be part of the problem, sit down with your husband and discuss what steps you both could take to make this better.

Agree with all of this. You're signaling even if you don't think you are. 100% leave and become a part of the solution. My DH is kind of brusque and my son CLEARLY prefers me, and so we've all been working on it. I tell DS he can't be mean to Daddy, I tell Daddy when he's being mean to DS to cut it out, and DH and I ensure they spend plenty of natural regular time with each other. We trade off on mornings and pick ups and bedtime and almost everything. DH does the laundry so they have to talk about that. It is morbid to think about it, but if you died tomorrow, your DH would have to do bedtime every night. He would figure it out. So leave, go sit in a McDonald's parking lot and read a book if you have to. But let them figure it out.

And be on your DH's team. No letting them pit you against each other.