Genuinely asking: why do people hover/observe/comment?
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Anonymous
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So yes, this is about ILs, but it is behavior I've seen in co-workers, extended family of mine, and neighbors, so this isn't an "IL issue," per se. But for the purposes of this thread, I'm using them as an example to genuinely try to seek insight about why people do this, and what ways there might be to politely address it.
My ILs hover. If we are together, they are RIGHT on top of us, and don't give us physical space. They also ask intrusive questions, and don't read any social cues that maybe they're digging too deep. (I will give them credit that if I directly say, "I don't want to talk about that," they'll drop it, but then things feel awkward and bad...whereas most people would have kind of read the room by then and it would not have been necessary to outright say, "I don't want to talk about that.") They also observe and comment on everything: especially when it comes to food. They do this to each other, so I don't think it's personal or anything, but MIL will be like, "Oh Jason, you ate two and a half pieces of lasagna. Do you think that will agree with you?" or "Oh, Michelle, what do you mean you don't want a cookie? Have a cookie!" It's a constant commentary of what we (or other people are doing), how they're doing it, and speculation about why. (The speculation is also kind of extreme, like, "Those neighbors put their house up. Maybe they're getting a divorce, or he lost his job.") They're nice people, but I find the physical hovering and the general running commentary to be intrusive. I have a hard time relaxing around them. Any thoughts? Any strategies I might try? I want a better relationship with them, that's my goal. |
Anonymous
| For them, that’s just conversation and showing concern. If you want a better relationship, stop trying to change them and accept them for who they are. |
Anonymous
| My husband hovers and it is annoying. I just ask him not to hover. He doesn’t realize what he’s doing. Just ask them, op. |
Anonymous
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My ILs are like this too. I think it stems from living their entire lives in a small town and spending time with the same people for so long that they don’t really know how to be around other people. They don’t know how to get to know a person (they met all their friends 50 years ago) or how to respect boundaries if someone they don’t know (they know all their neighbors and spend all their time with the same people all the time).
I try to remind myself it’s not personal and they mean well, for the most part. It does not make it less annoying. |
Anonymous
| They don’t have anything real to talk about, so they are trying to make conversation. |
Anonymous
| Maybe they are just trying to make conversation. Seems harmless. Relax and be kind. |
Anonymous
+1 You're making this about them, OP, and it is really about you. You say you see it in coworkers, inlaws, extended family. You sound very judgmental. Learn to be more tolerant. Learn that not everyone is like you. Learn that you can be kind and gracious and then do it. I would bet you $1,000 that if you lightened up from your mood and were a generally nicer person then you wouldn't care so much about what everyone else is doing and saying. |
Anonymous
+2 OP, you sound like you expect everyone to conform to what YOU expect and what YOU are comfortable with. Did you ever consider other people look at YOU and think, Wow, what a stuck up and cold person to be around. You can't make a simple comment without OP getting all bent out of shape about it. No sense of humor and no consideration for others. OP is so offended by everything it's draining." |
Anonymous
OP here. At what point did I say I was unkind to them? |
Anonymous
OP here. I am always kind and nice to them. Always. My intent here is to understand, because maybe there’s some perspective that could help me. The PP who mentioned that they don’t know how to get to know “outsiders,” because they’ve lived in the same town all their lives, thank you. That perspective was helpful. And to the rest of you, what can I say? You literally made up that I don’t treat them with anything but kindness, because that is simply not true. |
Anonymous
| FOMO |
Anonymous
| It annoys me too but I recognize that it's just small talk. And some people are not good at recognizing social cues, like you not wanting to talk about it. it's harder when it's inlaws or people you don't really care for, because it's harder to just walk away. I try to balance walcominng them in my home with being busy and needing to step away. |
Anonymous
| I feel stressed out just from reading your original post and imagining it, OP!! It seems like once something like that becomes a habit, it would be deeply embedded and hard for them to change. It makes me wonder if their own lives are kind of thin, devoid of enough substance, so that they need to do this to remind themselves that they’re alive and connected to the world and people around them. What happens when you try to introduce more substantive topics or activities? |
Anonymous
| My dad comments on every bite of food taken by anyone within 50 foot radius. Visits are fun. |
Anonymous
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My mom hovers, to the point where I end up burning myself in the kitchen every time she visits. She is so close to me, I cannot get a pan out of the oven correctly. I have asked nicely, but have had to actually yell at her (making me look like the bad guy, as I stand there with burns). She also comments on every thing I am doing. Oh man, just thinking about it makes me almost dread seeing them again at our house. It’s fine at thier house though.
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