Genuinely asking: why do people hover/observe/comment?

[Anonymous]

Make a bingo card with their sayings and play it secretly while you visit.

[Anonymous]

Op,

I just posted that my mom is the same. For her, I think it is an obsession with being the perfect host or guest. She feels like there needs to be constant communication so she comments on anything to keep the conversation going. And she hovers to help. Giving her something to do can help, but she often is picky about what she is willing to do also (I think she fears doing it wrong even though it things like slice the bread). The irony is in her drive to be the perfect guest, she is stressful to be around.

[Anonymous]

They have little lives and imagination. Probably some anxiety or jealousy of edible with more going on/more worldly. Just be compassionate.

[Anonymous]

My guess is it’s most likely anxiety. They want to connect but don’t know any other way, and it’s anxiety producing not to be at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For them, that’s just conversation and showing concern. If you want a better relationship, stop trying to change them and accept them for who they are.

+1 You're making this about them, OP, and it is really about you. You say you see it in coworkers, inlaws, extended family.

You sound very judgmental. Learn to be more tolerant. Learn that not everyone is like you. Learn that you can be kind and gracious and then do it.

I would bet you $1,000 that if you lightened up from your mood and were a generally nicer person then you wouldn't care so much about what everyone else is doing and saying.

+2 OP, you sound like you expect everyone to conform to what YOU expect and what YOU are comfortable with. Did you ever consider other people look at YOU and think, Wow, what a stuck up and cold person to be around. You can't make a simple comment without OP getting all bent out of shape about it. No sense of humor and no consideration for others. OP is so offended by everything it's draining."

+3 Look at your list OP. You've put forth quite a group of people who do things you don't like. When there are that many people who bother you, then you need to realize that the problem isn't them, it is you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For them, that’s just conversation and showing concern. If you want a better relationship, stop trying to change them and accept them for who they are.

+1 You're making this about them, OP, and it is really about you. You say you see it in coworkers, inlaws, extended family.

You sound very judgmental. Learn to be more tolerant. Learn that not everyone is like you. Learn that you can be kind and gracious and then do it.

I would bet you $1,000 that if you lightened up from your mood and were a generally nicer person then you wouldn't care so much about what everyone else is doing and saying.

+2 OP, you sound like you expect everyone to conform to what YOU expect and what YOU are comfortable with. Did you ever consider other people look at YOU and think, Wow, what a stuck up and cold person to be around. You can't make a simple comment without OP getting all bent out of shape about it. No sense of humor and no consideration for others. OP is so offended by everything it's draining."

+3 Look at your list OP. You've put forth quite a group of people who do things you don't like. When there are that many people who bother you, then you need to realize that the problem isn't them, it is you.

My MIL hovering so close to me and so frequently to the point of me accidentally stepping on her foot while I was unloading my dishwasher is not, actually, my problem. And even my husband complains about how she hovers.

[Anonymous]

My Mom was like that, just always fussing. Relaxing on couch with hand on head. "Do you have a headache?" "Huh? What? No." "You have your hand on your head." Move hand to stomach and 10 minutes later she asks "Is your stomach alright?" I assure I'm fine and get up from couch. "Where are you going?" I announce to all I'm going to use the washroom. Which is of course followed up by asking if I'm feeling okay. Yep, just feeling the need to go hide in the bathroom and bang my head on the wall until it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For them, that’s just conversation and showing concern. If you want a better relationship, stop trying to change them and accept them for who they are.

+1 You're making this about them, OP, and it is really about you. You say you see it in coworkers, inlaws, extended family.

You sound very judgmental. Learn to be more tolerant. Learn that not everyone is like you. Learn that you can be kind and gracious and then do it.

I would bet you $1,000 that if you lightened up from your mood and were a generally nicer person then you wouldn't care so much about what everyone else is doing and saying.

+2 OP, you sound like you expect everyone to conform to what YOU expect and what YOU are comfortable with. Did you ever consider other people look at YOU and think, Wow, what a stuck up and cold person to be around. You can't make a simple comment without OP getting all bent out of shape about it. No sense of humor and no consideration for others. OP is so offended by everything it's draining."

+3 Look at your list OP. You've put forth quite a group of people who do things you don't like. When there are that many people who bother you, then you need to realize that the problem isn't them, it is you.

My MIL hovering so close to me and so frequently to the point of me accidentally stepping on her foot while I was unloading my dishwasher is not, actually, my problem. And even my husband complains about how she hovers.

Riiiiiiight. Drama Queen, much? Get over yourself. No one, and I mean no one, wants to be that close to you, dear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For them, that’s just conversation and showing concern. If you want a better relationship, stop trying to change them and accept them for who they are.

+1 You're making this about them, OP, and it is really about you. You say you see it in coworkers, inlaws, extended family.

You sound very judgmental. Learn to be more tolerant. Learn that not everyone is like you. Learn that you can be kind and gracious and then do it.

I would bet you $1,000 that if you lightened up from your mood and were a generally nicer person then you wouldn't care so much about what everyone else is doing and saying.

+2 OP, you sound like you expect everyone to conform to what YOU expect and what YOU are comfortable with. Did you ever consider other people look at YOU and think, Wow, what a stuck up and cold person to be around. You can't make a simple comment without OP getting all bent out of shape about it. No sense of humor and no consideration for others. OP is so offended by everything it's draining."

+3 Look at your list OP. You've put forth quite a group of people who do things you don't like. When there are that many people who bother you, then you need to realize that the problem isn't them, it is you.

My MIL hovering so close to me and so frequently to the point of me accidentally stepping on her foot while I was unloading my dishwasher is not, actually, my problem. And even my husband complains about how she hovers.

Riiiiiiight. Drama Queen, much? Get over yourself. No one, and I mean no one, wants to be that close to you, dear.

NP. Ope, I think we found the hovering, nosy, intrusive type who doesn't like thinking about how much she annoys the crawl out of other people.

Relax, Judy! Get a hobby that isn't sniffing around everyone in sight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Mom was like that, just always fussing. Relaxing on couch with hand on head. "Do you have a headache?" "Huh? What? No." "You have your hand on your head." Move hand to stomach and 10 minutes later she asks "Is your stomach alright?" I assure I'm fine and get up from couch. "Where are you going?" I announce to all I'm going to use the washroom. Which is of course followed up by asking if I'm feeling okay. Yep, just feeling the need to go hide in the bathroom and bang my head on the wall until it hurts.

+1 This type is SO annoying.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this 💯. She has a severe anxiety disorder. Quite contemplation to her is akin to silent treatment and she wants to know why she’s getting the silent treatment. It used to bother me a lot. But I’ve become a nicer person when it comes to her and I’ve put some effort into nicely explaining when I need quiet time, when there’s something I don’t want to talk about, and that she’s doing a great job. I fine with a little reassuring she eases up a lot!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mom was like that, just always fussing. Relaxing on couch with hand on head. "Do you have a headache?" "Huh? What? No." "You have your hand on your head." Move hand to stomach and 10 minutes later she asks "Is your stomach alright?" I assure I'm fine and get up from couch. "Where are you going?" I announce to all I'm going to use the washroom. Which is of course followed up by asking if I'm feeling okay. Yep, just feeling the need to go hide in the bathroom and bang my head on the wall until it hurts.

+1 This type is SO annoying.

On android is also my mom 💯. The thing is, I did used to get migraines whenever I visited her, so she was not wrong!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are like this too. I think it stems from living their entire lives in a small town and spending time with the same people for so long that they don’t really know how to be around other people. They don’t know how to get to know a person (they met all their friends 50 years ago) or how to respect boundaries if someone they don’t know (they know all their neighbors and spend all their time with the same people all the time).

I try to remind myself it’s not personal and they mean well, for the most part. It does not make it less annoying.

This is a brilliant insight, thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So yes, this is about ILs, but it is behavior I've seen in co-workers, extended family of mine, and neighbors, so this isn't an "IL issue," per se. But for the purposes of this thread, I'm using them as an example to genuinely try to seek insight about why people do this, and what ways there might be to politely address it.

My ILs hover. If we are together, they are RIGHT on top of us, and don't give us physical space. They also ask intrusive questions, and don't read any social cues that maybe they're digging too deep. (I will give them credit that if I directly say, "I don't want to talk about that," they'll drop it, but then things feel awkward and bad...whereas most people would have kind of read the room by then and it would not have been necessary to outright say, "I don't want to talk about that.")

They also observe and comment on everything: especially when it comes to food. They do this to each other, so I don't think it's personal or anything, but MIL will be like, "Oh Jason, you ate two and a half pieces of lasagna. Do you think that will agree with you?" or "Oh, Michelle, what do you mean you don't want a cookie? Have a cookie!" It's a constant commentary of what we (or other people are doing), how they're doing it, and speculation about why. (The speculation is also kind of extreme, like, "Those neighbors put their house up. Maybe they're getting a divorce, or he lost his job.")

They're nice people, but I find the physical hovering and the general running commentary to be intrusive. I have a hard time relaxing around them. Any thoughts? Any strategies I might try? I want a better relationship with them, that's my goal.

This is my whole extended family to a t, OP. They are obsessed with weight, gossip, and drama.

I would have to go to the bathroom and do meditation; my dh would say he had to work and hang out in the guest room in the evenings when it got to be too much. We always made sure we had some alcohol stashed in the car to drink.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know exactly what you are talking about.

My in-laws do this too. I think it stems from anxiety and poor social skills. Even worse, they ruminate over normal happenings so much that it'll get followed up by an email a week later: "When we were visiting you, we noticed the baby touching his ears. We didn't want to say anything, but have you had him checked for an ear infection?"

They stand right.next.to.us when serving food or cooking. They comment on every.single.thing that our kids do. No pound of weight gain or loss goes unnoticed, they'll inquire about super personal things (FIL asked if tore badly from my vaginal delivery), and they seem to delight in worse-case-scenarios ("I heard you say your car needs an oil change. Are you prepared for the potential it may needs thousands of dollars in extra work?")

There is no reading the room. There is no concept of personal space. Nothing is off-limits. Visits are excruciating.