Genuinely asking: why do people hover/observe/comment?

[Anonymous]

My SMIL did this big time. Like, the whole time we visited I could not even poop because she was on top of us commenting on everything and not giving us space. My husband was so desperate to get alone time with his dad that I was stuck 1-1 with the woman before we had kids. We opted for a hotel after several visits and that helped.

In the case of my husband's family they have no boundaries. They are in eachother's business and space so much it's no wonder massive fights break out and they stop talking to eachother for days/weeks and even years!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Mom was like that, just always fussing. Relaxing on couch with hand on head. "Do you have a headache?" "Huh? What? No." "You have your hand on your head." Move hand to stomach and 10 minutes later she asks "Is your stomach alright?" I assure I'm fine and get up from couch. "Where are you going?" I announce to all I'm going to use the washroom. Which is of course followed up by asking if I'm feeling okay. Yep, just feeling the need to go hide in the bathroom and bang my head on the wall until it hurts.

This is my Mom. She is always tracking me, watching me, asking me probing questions. If I'm not in her line of sight, she asks DH or a child - "where's Mom?" And then goes to look for me so she can ask more questions. It's exhausting. Send help!

[Anonymous]

Boundary issues. Advice would be to re-ground yourself in your boundaries and know that what you think and feel is valid. Take them in doses. If you ever go on a family trip definitely limit time spent together. If you have a child and they comment on their food say to them individually “please do not comment on what x eats/doesn’t eat. I find it to be inappropriate and I do not want them to become self-conscious of their food choices. Thank you.”

[Anonymous]

People like this are absolutely draining. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know exactly what you are talking about.

My in-laws do this too. I think it stems from anxiety and poor social skills. Even worse, they ruminate over normal happenings so much that it'll get followed up by an email a week later: "When we were visiting you, we noticed the baby touching his ears. We didn't want to say anything, but have you had him checked for an ear infection?"

They stand right.next.to.us when serving food or cooking. They comment on every.single.thing that our kids do. No pound of weight gain or loss goes unnoticed, they'll inquire about super personal things (FIL asked if tore badly from my vaginal delivery), and they seem to delight in worse-case-scenarios ("I heard you say your car needs an oil change. Are you prepared for the potential it may needs thousands of dollars in extra work?")

There is no reading the room. There is no concept of personal space. Nothing is off-limits. Visits are excruciating.

It is comforting to me to read of all of this - it seems that I am not alone. May I ask if your family is from a different culture? I suspect some of these behaviors may be due to cultural differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know exactly what you are talking about.

My in-laws do this too. I think it stems from anxiety and poor social skills. Even worse, they ruminate over normal happenings so much that it'll get followed up by an email a week later: "When we were visiting you, we noticed the baby touching his ears. We didn't want to say anything, but have you had him checked for an ear infection?"

They stand right.next.to.us when serving food or cooking. They comment on every.single.thing that our kids do. No pound of weight gain or loss goes unnoticed, they'll inquire about super personal things (FIL asked if tore badly from my vaginal delivery), and they seem to delight in worse-case-scenarios ("I heard you say your car needs an oil change. Are you prepared for the potential it may needs thousands of dollars in extra work?")

There is no reading the room. There is no concept of personal space. Nothing is off-limits. Visits are excruciating.

It is comforting to me to read of all of this - it seems that I am not alone. May I ask if your family is from a different culture? I suspect some of these behaviors may be due to cultural differences.

Not the OP, but my whole southern family does this, and we've been in the United States for hundreds of years, apparently long enough to develop major anxiety issues.
Is this what you meant by cultural?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know exactly what you are talking about.

My in-laws do this too. I think it stems from anxiety and poor social skills. Even worse, they ruminate over normal happenings so much that it'll get followed up by an email a week later: "When we were visiting you, we noticed the baby touching his ears. We didn't want to say anything, but have you had him checked for an ear infection?"

They stand right.next.to.us when serving food or cooking. They comment on every.single.thing that our kids do. No pound of weight gain or loss goes unnoticed, they'll inquire about super personal things (FIL asked if tore badly from my vaginal delivery), and they seem to delight in worse-case-scenarios ("I heard you say your car needs an oil change. Are you prepared for the potential it may needs thousands of dollars in extra work?")

There is no reading the room. There is no concept of personal space. Nothing is off-limits. Visits are excruciating.

It is comforting to me to read of all of this - it seems that I am not alone. May I ask if your family is from a different culture? I suspect some of these behaviors may be due to cultural differences.

OP here. My family is Midwestern and Caucasian, but I'd say the "most intrusive." My husband's family is from New Jersey and also Caucasian.