How to express frustration with Mom
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Anonymous
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For the past year we have done socially distanced visits with my parents. Outdoors, masks, etc. This was about keeping them safe, and keeping us safe, and helping society- etc. My brother did not follow any social distance rules- and after the spring 2020 lockdown my parents decided they did not want to wait any longer and they started seeing him on a regular basis- indoor, unmasked, with his extended family, etc. My sister started letting my parents visit last fall- but only if they all had been tested and there had been at least a week since seeing my brother. Other than my parents, her family is pretty locked down. All winter my Mom would guilt trip me about visiting us and how she missed my kids, etc. She refused to not talk about visiting my nieces and nephews in front of my kids- which led to jealousy and numerous extra conversations with the kids about why we were doing what we were doing (and why we were trying to be respectful of other peoples choices, etc). But she also refused to do a 2 week quarantine + test in order to see us- which is what we said we would be comfortable with in order to see them in person. According to her, she would not go that long without seeing my brother and his baby, nor my sister and her kids. I am still upset about this all, but I am trying to move on.
Fast forward to now. My parents will be fully vaccinated in 2 weeks. We have been vaccinated. And so we are now comfortable with seeing them in person without masks. I called to arrange a visit and she says that first they planned a week long vacation, then they are visiting my brother, then they are visiting my sister, and then they have to babysit for my brother, and then they can see us. So we will be able to see them 6 weeks after the first date it is possible. But only for a few days because then she has to babysit for my sister. and go on another vacation. I feel like she is passive/aggressively punishing me (and thereby my kids) for our choice to follow the CDC recommendations. And my brother and sister (and their kids) are being rewarded for not following the recommendations. After spending almost a year with them "dying to see us" and "so miserable without us" it just feels really upsetting that we were 4th on their priority list (after vacations, brother, and sister). My husband thinks I should talk with her about this, but I just don't know how to. I don't know what I could say that would help me deal with all the emotions this has brought up in me. |
Anonymous
| The pandemic has created a lot of hurt feelings between family members, including in my own family. People handled the pandemic in different ways. Now there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Hope! Spring! Move on and see your parents. This time was very hard and it’s now the time to move forward without wasting even more time. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like these plans had been awhile in the making. It’s not like anyone could predict when you would decide to see them so it’s unreasonable for them to hold their schedule open for you. I get that you’re disappointed but I don’t think it’s anything more than a consequence of your choices - I am not judging you for those choices, just noting that they were choices and that choices have consequences. |
Anonymous
| You can point it out to her, coldly and matter of factly. But truthfully only time will calm down all the hurt feelings. In this pandemic, some people who took a lot of risks ended up not getting sick, so they feel vindicated, even though they could very well have spread Covid and killed themselves and others. |
Anonymous
OP here. I appreciate your point, and do think it is somewhat correct. And I am going to try to think that way going forward. Ultimately, we do just need to move forward. (Venting was a part of me "moving on.") BUT... in case it changes the analysis at ALL- vacations were booked after they knew the date they would be fully vaccinated. And then she called my brother first and asked him to book dates on the calendar. And then she called my sister to book her dates. And then she called me. Out of the dates already booked during April, May & June, I only think one of them was a prearranged in advance date. By the time she got to me she only had one half week in May available and then said she wasn't free again until August. In between, she had multiple vacations and several visits to my brother and sister booked (To be Fair, my brothers wife is having a baby end of June so she cleared the whole month of July to help them) |
Anonymous
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OP, it sounds like this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your parents continuing to live their lives as they have throughout the last year.
To flip your narrative, it sound like you are expecting to be given preferential treatment because you were so virtuous during this time. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is completely true. And yes, I guess I did expect to have priority once we could see them. Until you put it this way, I didn't think it was wrong. Considering they have seen both my sister and brother at least 2 times a month all year and our last outdoor visit with them was Christmas... I did think perhaps they would prioritize a visit with us. But perhaps that was wrong. And honestly, I think I haven't talked about it with her because I don't want to seem virtuous. I really am trying to respect the choices they made, my siblings made, and the decisions my family made, etc. It was a tough year. Judging each other doesn't help. But I miss my Mom and Dad and really want to see them- and I have been counting down those days until we could be in the same room and hug. And waiting 6 extra weeks sucks. |
Anonymous
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Your mom made other plans when you couldn’t or didn’t want to see her. You may have been justified, but the fact is, you made a choice not to see her. If she’s at all healthy, and it sounds like she is, she found other things to do.
Put another way, would you want her canceling her plans to see you… knowing that if she’ll do that with or for you, she’ll also do it to you. Your mom sounds like a good person, op. One of the things people and even organizations need to remember is that if they aren’t around, no matter how good the reason, healthy people will find other things to do that are wholesome and appropriate. When our church opened up after being canceled for months, there was a talk on how church needed to be a priority. I kind of rolled my eyes at that, I’d gotten along fine without it, I’d missed it, but I wasn’t sitting at home pining either.. I was home, but I was reading hanging out with my kids and husband, listening to podcasts, cooking I had plenty to do. I also felt and still feel that if they’d dialed back on the lecture and simply said “so nice to see you” I’d have gone back to making it a priority. I simply didn’t like being told to do it. You can tell your mom whatever you’d like, op, just know that you can’t untell it. Finally, and it’s sad that you’ve gotten this far in life without learning this, you don’t get special treatment for doing the right thing. This is why you need to be sure internally that what you are doing is appropriate for your situation. Sometimes that’s easy, sometimes it isn’t, and sometimes it’s real hard to know the difference between what is truly important. It’s also why some people at some points in their life say “I don’t care about the greater good, I care about the good of myself, my husband, my family. Your chose the greater good, and that’s fine, your mom chose to do the smaller good while you were not around. She’s allowed to do that. |
Anonymous
I’m sorry, op, I would be hurt too. You would think she would jump at the chance to see you now that it’s time. I bet she wouldn’t even admit that she’s prioritizing your siblings, even if she is. But my guess is that it’s not worth bringing this up, my guess based on what you wrote here is that it may creates bigger rift. My suggestion is for you to practice radical acceptance, take what time with them you can, and enjoy the heck out of it. Next year will be even easier, and hopefully you can jump on scheduling time with them before your siblings do 
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Anonymous
| OP your mother is being passive aggressive and punishing you, it’s quite clear. I wouldn’t bring up a visit at all, her loss. |
Anonymous
Not really, your mom is living her life while OP was consumed by paranoia and feeling better than her siblings for “following CDC guidance” which changes all the time, |
Anonymous
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Mom sounds nasty. I understand you want to keep the peace for your kids, but she surely didn't care about your home when she strolled in with tales of fun in front of your kids.
I would move on, and let her know you will connect when them at a later date. She's trying and succeeding at driving your crazy. Don't let her. And good on you for standing your ground. |
Anonymous
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One effect of the situation is that your parents likely feel closer to your siblings and their kids because they've spent more time with them. Take the right and wrong out of the situation, and that's what you're left with. That situation can change, as you resume spending time with them.
I agree -- you aren't going to get points for doing the right thing, you have to do what you think is right regardless of what others are going to do. |
Anonymous
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I think you can tell her you’re sad you won’t be seeing them sooner, because it’s the truth; you really miss them and being apart was very hard. You can be honest about that.
But beyond that, there’s not much you can do but try to work through those feelings by acknowledging them and trying to move forward. This has been a really difficult year, and your feelings are totally understandable. I imagine once you’re all together again, things will feel a whole lot better. |
Anonymous
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Has your mom always played favorites?
I think now's a good time to accept your position in the hierarchy when it comes to your parents. No more trying to please them. No more extending yourself to accommodate them You see them when you see them for as long as you do. There's no point in telling mom how hurt you are she doesn't care. The good news in all of this is you're now absolved of elder care. . As for your kids it's better they don't get attached to grandparents who see them as second class. |