Tired of my mom tearing down my husband

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married 15 years. We have children in elementary school and preschool. Our preschooler has significant speech delays and perhaps some other challenges. I shared with my parents today that it’s been really exhausting trying to juggle our jobs and the appointments and that it’s especially challenging as my husband just started a new job. My mom’s response was “you need to stop doing everything all by yourself and get him to step up.” I’d written my parents and his and she makes these mean jabs all the time. I wrote back that we were both doing a lot.

[Anonymous]

Then stop complaining to her.

[Anonymous]

What did you say to imply it's all on you?

[Anonymous]

My mother told me, during a time when DH and I were under extreme stress and I'd just told her that I was feeling particularly vulnerable, the following words: "I just think you've ruined your life by marrying H". In other exchanges, she called him a jerk and other choice words. I had to cut off contact for 6 months, and while she claims she didn't say any of it, she has behaved much more courteously these past few years.

So... you might want to head her off by telling her bluntly: "Mom, these comments are not true and not helpful. It's sad I can't rely on your support during this challenging time. I have to hang up now." And then follow-through.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure your husband is more tired of it than you are.

[Anonymous]

Poster number 2 already summed it up.

Do not complain to your mom about the problems you and your husband are having. Even if they are your problems collectively. Clearly she is YOUR mom and her heart is in it to protect you from feeling like you aren't enough. So she thinks she is helping or "siding" with you even if you don't think there are sides to take. This is her supporting you.
If you don't like the way she offers support, then stop oversharing so that she has nothing to say. If everything is wonderful then she can't tell you he should do more or list the ways he is inadequate. See how that works, OP?

[Anonymous]

Oh I can relate to this OP.

As others have noted, don't share a lot with your mom. If she's anything like mine, she will pounce on any hint of a complaint.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I guess I’m just sad I can’t lean on her. I looked back at my text. Removing a few personal details I wrote “We have the evaluation back. I couldn’t attend the meeting, but DH did and told me the details. He’s pretty down about it because it’s a lot on top of a busy week at his new job. It will be okay. I’ve saved up a ton of leave so can use that if needed.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I guess I’m just sad I can’t lean on her. I looked back at my text. Removing a few personal details I wrote “We have the evaluation back. I couldn’t attend the meeting, but DH did and told me the details. He’s pretty down about it because it’s a lot on top of a busy week at his new job. It will be okay. I’ve saved up a ton of leave so can use that if needed.”

There has to be more history than that, because otherwise your mom’s leap from “DH covered this important kid-related meeting by himself because I couldn’t make it” to “You do everything and your DH does nothing” is pretty irrational. If that really is the full story, though, you need to stop talking to your mom about anything sensitive, because she will never support you the way you want, and will only use that information against you.

[Anonymous]

After marrying DH I had to learn how little to share with my parents. They were not objective, and they were also extremely meddlesome. So that's just a bad combination. Basically I only ever shared good things where DH is concerned. Of course I wished I could lean on them more emotionally, but it's just not in the cards and you have to accept that about your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I guess I’m just sad I can’t lean on her. I looked back at my text. Removing a few personal details I wrote “We have the evaluation back. I couldn’t attend the meeting, but DH did and told me the details. He’s pretty down about it because it’s a lot on top of a busy week at his new job. It will be okay. I’ve saved up a ton of leave so can use that if needed.”

There has to be more history than that, because otherwise your mom’s leap from “DH covered this important kid-related meeting by himself because I couldn’t make it” to “You do everything and your DH does nothing” is pretty irrational. If that really is the full story, though, you need to stop talking to your mom about anything sensitive, because she will never support you the way you want, and will only use that information against you.

+1

Even if you don't think you complain about your husband all the time, if there is a pattern of you complaining about how much you have to do, or mentioning that you are taking leave to deal with kid stuff, or talking about how much he works, etc., then she's going to pick up on that. So when you sound overwhelmed and as if you are responsible for this stuff, she likely thinks she IS supporting you with these comments. She didn't say your husband was a lazy SOB, she said he needed to step up. It wasn't an attack on his character, it was a comment on what apparently looks like an uneven division of labor.

[Anonymous]

My DH has been the bane of my mom’s existence for almost 3 decades. I just don’t talk to her much about anything. She’s a pouncer. Any little bitty comment from me that she can stretch into something negative about DH, she’s on it.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Parents aren’t the place to share tidbits about your spouse. Find a friend, a therapist, or anyone but mom or dad.

[Anonymous]

This is my MIL with my SIL's DH. You should tell her nothing. She won't stop and she will seize on everything little thing.

My MIL is now older, has lost whatever filter she had, and makes digs (big and small) during family gatherings. It is extremely uncomfortable for the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Thank God, my mom is super supportive. There are a few things she told me when I got married. 1. Don't share your marital and domestic woes with anyone. 2. Don't share any good or bad news about your ILs with your birth family and vice versa. 3. Your allegiance is with your kids and DH.

Remember that people want your support in action, not in your opinions. It is a good lesson to learn so that we are helpful to our children and their spouses. No one wants judgemental people.