Tired of my mom tearing down my husband

[Anonymous]

My DH makes it seem like he is a single parent. For real. If his mom didn’t know any better, she’d think that I sat around all day eating bon bons.
Ask yourself how you speak about your household when you are leaning on your mom. Based on what you sent (especially considering your DH attended the meeting and you didn’t), she clearly has the idea that your DH isn’t doing his part.

PS - she still remembers that time when your first baby was 2 weeks old and you complained about what your DH wasn’t doing.

[Anonymous]

Why care what mom thinks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes it seem like he is a single parent. For real. If his mom didn’t know any better, she’d think that I sat around all day eating bon bons.
Ask yourself how you speak about your household when you are leaning on your mom. Based on what you sent (especially considering your DH attended the meeting and you didn’t), she clearly has the idea that your DH isn’t doing his part.

PS - she still remembers that time when your first baby was 2 weeks old and you complained about what your DH wasn’t doing.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP - you share too much with your Mom. Now you know. If the response you et from her is not helpful, you don't continue. Just like any other adult - you read the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you share too much with your Mom. Now you know. If the response you et from her is not helpful, you don't continue. Just like any other adult - you read the room.

+1. Stop sharing if you want her to stop judging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes it seem like he is a single parent. For real. If his mom didn’t know any better, she’d think that I sat around all day eating bon bons.
Ask yourself how you speak about your household when you are leaning on your mom. Based on what you sent (especially considering your DH attended the meeting and you didn’t), she clearly has the idea that your DH isn’t doing his part.

PS - she still remembers that time when your first baby was 2 weeks old and you complained about what your DH wasn’t doing.

+1 to both of these points. You might have just been venting, but she remembers. So if you frequently complain about what he doesn't do, or just how much you have to do, that's what she's going to have to work with. She likely thinks she IS being supportive.

[Anonymous]

OP, all I can say is, I remember the words someone once shared with me. "Sometimes, you just have to chalk it up to old people." Seriously. You are not accountable for what your mom may or may not think or mean by what she says or doesn't say. If you don't like it, SAY SO. ONCE. And then stop telling her stuff.

Sometimes people change their ways. This unfiltered thinking out loud, maybe its new. Maybe she is "done". Trust me, I know it hurts.

Its always hard when someone doesn't provide comfort or support when you need it, and when you feel they should be able to do it. I don't know why sometimes people fail so miserably in this regard. To me, this sounds more like she is being judgmental as opposed to unsupportive. That's a very different problem.

If she is making statements WITHOUT ASKING MORE DETAIL its because to her, the details DONT MATTER. And giving more will not help. Ive learned that one the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married 15 years. We have children in elementary school and preschool. Our preschooler has significant speech delays and perhaps some other challenges. I shared with my parents today that it’s been really exhausting trying to juggle our jobs and the appointments and that it’s especially challenging as my husband just started a new job. My mom’s response was “you need to stop doing everything all by yourself and get him to step up.” I’d written my parents and his and she makes these mean jabs all the time. I wrote back that we were both doing a lot.

Plus saying that he needs to step up is not exactly "tearing him down."

[Anonymous]

Any chance your mom is projecting? Maybe when you were young she felt your dad wasn't helpful enough and that her life would have been easier if he were more helpful. Then when she hears you complain of stress, she immediately assumes your husband could do more to help as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poster number 2 already summed it up.

Do not complain to your mom about the problems you and your husband are having. Even if they are your problems collectively. Clearly she is YOUR mom and her heart is in it to protect you from feeling like you aren't enough. So she thinks she is helping or "siding" with you even if you don't think there are sides to take. This is her supporting you.
If you don't like the way she offers support, then stop oversharing so that she has nothing to say. If everything is wonderful then she can't tell you he should do more or list the ways he is inadequate. See how that works, OP?

All of this. She's not trying to tear your husband down. She wants to see you supported and not hurt or go through a difficult situation, in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank God, my mom is super supportive. There are a few things she told me when I got married. 1. Don't share your marital and domestic woes with anyone. 2. Don't share any good or bad news about your ILs with your birth family and vice versa. 3. Your allegiance is with your kids and DH.

Remember that people want your support in action, not in your opinions. It is a good lesson to learn so that we are helpful to our children and their spouses. No one wants judgemental people.

I agree with not sharing spouse problems with family. But I don't see what's wrong with sharing stuff with close friends? I feel like I "vent" to my close friends about DH when I feel like I have to- it's therapeutic and they're there to listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank God, my mom is super supportive. There are a few things she told me when I got married. 1. Don't share your marital and domestic woes with anyone. 2. Don't share any good or bad news about your ILs with your birth family and vice versa. 3. Your allegiance is with your kids and DH.

Remember that people want your support in action, not in your opinions. It is a good lesson to learn so that we are helpful to our children and their spouses. No one wants judgemental people.

I agree with not sharing spouse problems with family. But I don't see what's wrong with sharing stuff with close friends? I feel like I "vent" to my close friends about DH when I feel like I have to- it's therapeutic and they're there to listen.

+1. Everyone needs to vent to someone. Otherwise, hell, we'd only have the person we're struggling with to talk to about the person we're struggling with??
I vent to my mom. Sorry not sorry. She doesn't like my husband, but he's done so much to burn that bridge on his own that I no longer try to salvage any good thoughts she might have. I simply no longer care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank God, my mom is super supportive. There are a few things she told me when I got married. 1. Don't share your marital and domestic woes with anyone. 2. Don't share any good or bad news about your ILs with your birth family and vice versa. 3. Your allegiance is with your kids and DH.

Remember that people want your support in action, not in your opinions. It is a good lesson to learn so that we are helpful to our children and their spouses. No one wants judgemental people.

I agree with not sharing spouse problems with family. But I don't see what's wrong with sharing stuff with close friends? I feel like I "vent" to my close friends about DH when I feel like I have to- it's therapeutic and they're there to listen.

+1 my mom is too nosy and remembers too much! But my friends we hash it all out with one another and we have given each other great advice over the years.

[Anonymous]

I learned very early on - stop sharing.

[Anonymous]

Share nothing. If my Mother said one thing against my husband, I would stop it immediately and call her out. It would never happen a second time. Be loyal to your husband, NOT your Mom.