What you commit to when you have children

[Anonymous]

I was reading the thread about Millenials and the help they got from their parents, and it has me thinking about how people think about what they owe their kids, and what their commitment is to help their kids in life. My parents have always been very resentful of financially supporting their kids, even before we turned 18 and even for something like college. Their philosophy was that they had given us life, and then it was up to us what we made of it. This is very counter to how many other families work, and certainly counter to the kinds of support a lot of the millennials on that thread receive from their parents.

So it has me thinking: what are you committing to when you have kids?

I don't want to be like my parents, so when I chose to become a parent, I decided that I would commit to helping my kid in life however I could. I think my primary job is as a guide and teacher, to help my child gain the skills needed to survive and find joy and stability. But I also think I have a duty to provide financial support, to plan for her education, to assist her even into adulthood as necessary. I want her to feel loved and supported by her family at every stage of life, whether it's through adolescence or the challenges of becoming a parent, or pursuing a passion or career, or additional education. I can't guarantee we'll just foot the bill for this stuff, but I absolutely want to help in whatever way I reasonably can. Same for grandkids.

I also don't view life as the gift my parents think it was. Life is a gift but also a burden, and no one chooses to be born but once you are, must find a way to live. It seems cruel to bring people into the world, especially a world with as many problems as our has, and then just expect them to figure it out on their own.

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting question. I’m more like you than your parents OP. I do feel like if I bring kids in the world then I owe them more than just the gift of life (as you mention life can be a burden too).

Neither of my parents went to college so they made my education a priory (college and much of grad school was covered although I had to take out some loans). They told me before I even became a mom that they expect I prioritize my children’s education the way they did mine. That basically education is the most important thing you can “buy” and so I very much have this mindset now as well because my education has allowed me to enter the UMC.

So I feel I “owe” my children an education*

*to the extent we are able, meaning they may need to take out loans if they decide to go private or get a very costly degree

DH and I also feel we owe them to save for our own retirement. I have seen friends take on the burden of supporting their elderly parents while trying to afford childcare for their own children and they are stretched so thin. I’m not saying people shouldn’t be involved with care in general for their parents as they grow older, but I don’t think it’s okay to expect your kids to support you financially. It’s absurd what some older people think they are owed by their children simply because they brought them into the world.

I also owe my children some of my time and energy (not all of it, I’m allowed to have hobbies and interests too!) to help them pursue interests. Not every passing fad, but I want them to explore things they may enjoy and be good at.

And then of course food, shelter, and clothing.

Things I do not owe them: designer clothes, a new car on their 16th birthday, my attention at their demand, fifty gazillion toys, every new tech gadget that comes out, vacations at five star resorts, etc. Sure they will have some of this stuff as we deem appropriate, but not because they are owed this.

[Anonymous]

I go between thinking the way you do and the way your parents think. It's not one or the other. The way I feel about helping or not depends on what they need help with.
Heck no to a wedding, and yes to education. Yes to medical care, no to a new car.
I do lean more towards your parents because DC hasn't needed any money in 14 years. I don't see why that would change other than college costs.
Life is not a burden to me nor my child. Life has been fairly easy. I do save and invest money, but because I like it, and not because my kid needs help someday. Two separate things.

[Anonymous]

I mean, martyring yourself so your kid never has to work for anything is no good either. Balance is the key.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a middle ground here where you don't pave the way for your child to go through life without suffering, but you also don't make them feel insecure about being loved and supported.

I think it's important for children to be independent and self-sufficient as they learn the skills of life. And I think it's okay to let them fail and flail a bit as they learn. The last thing I want to do is send a message to my kids that they can't figure stuff out, and that mistakes are the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

We committed to giving our child the best life they can have. Life is a balance. Long term, college, and hopefully graduate school. We pay for private weekly music lessons, drive to a further school (public) as it has their interests, a few speciality camps in the summer and a sport of his choosing. Make sure he has everything he needs - clothing, books, etc, nice bedroom decorated for him, everything he needs for school. He doesn't ask for much so that makes it easy. Also, make sure he feels safe, loved and teach him basic life skills, financial common sense and more.

I am not sure if we will get a car or what extra's in the future. I am not ruling out a car at some point to get him started/no debt but not at 16, maybe after college or senior year.

Wedding, a very small one I'd help with, lavish no.

Downpayment for a house, maybe. It depends on how we are doing financially.

His kids... well, once he has kids, its all about them. Would like to start a college fund, help with clothing and the basics. And, be the grandma he doesn't have but that I had.

[Anonymous]

We bought each child a good used car. They were required to get jobs in the summer. We paid for a trip to Europe after high school.

We will pay for the first four years of college. If they go in state they will have some left over for grad or medical school. After that they're own their own.

[Anonymous]

I had the kind of parents who felt like all they owed us was food, clothing and shelter until our 18th birthdays - but they had the right to make onerous demands on us for how we used our lives well beyond our 18th birthdays. They showed very little affection to us and begrudged us every investment in extracurricular activities our entire childhoods. I joined choir in high school and had to work as the treasurer of our fund drives so I could have my fees for our choir trips to festivals paid - my parents wouldn’t pay, and my mother complained endlessly about the very modest cost for the choir dress each year. My parents weren’t wealthy but they weren’t poor either - my father had a full military retirement benefit on top of his salary, but he spent much of his money on gambling and buying guns and other toys for himself, he had no real interest in spending money on opportunities for his kids. He made it very clear by words and actions that he never wanted us in the first place. My mother had to make all the household bills on part of his salary and all of hers, so she was always worried about finances and didn’t have much to spend on us. To her credit, she spent very little on herself either. We were lucky they were willing to spend the extra on car insurance so we could get our licenses and practice driving with my mother’s car - I think she only did it so she didn’t have to drive us around anymore. My mother was very insistent that I go to college, but my parents didn’t save anything for us to go, so she pressured me into taking out mountains of student loans to finance my education. We were lower middle class as were most of my friends growing up, and it’s so frustrating to me how so many of my friends, my cousins and half siblings are so far ahead of me financially despite never going to college, while I’ll be paying off student loans almost until retirement. I couldn’t even afford to have kids because of all that debt. Given the state of this country- the lack of opportunity for upward mobility and the declining environment- I’m not really as sad about that as I would otherwise be. But I am definitely sad about it at times, and I envy people who were raised by parents who had the parenting philosophy of really do everything possible to give their kids opportunities in childhood and beyond, and really enjoying their kids for who they became of their own right and not seeing them as just an obligation or property to be controlled.

[Anonymous]

I know this isn’t your question, but I feel like my entire life revolves around my children sometimes, and I’m not sure that I expected this kind of a commitment. When people ask me how much it costs to raise kids, I answer “all of your money.”
Almost every financial decision we make from what car to drive to where to live to what kinds of work we do is done with the kids in mind and would likely be vastly different if we didn’t have them.

Do I feel like I owe it to them? No. Not really. I do it because I love them and want the best for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t your question, but I feel like my entire life revolves around my children sometimes, and I’m not sure that I expected this kind of a commitment. When people ask me how much it costs to raise kids, I answer “all of your money.”
Almost every financial decision we make from what car to drive to where to live to what kinds of work we do is done with the kids in mind and would likely be vastly different if we didn’t have them.

Do I feel like I owe it to them? No. Not really. I do it because I love them and want the best for them.

I don't feel every financial decision is about them. We live in the same small house that we had prior to them. We buy cars we want but work for them. You don't need a mini-van. Our lives center around their needs, activity and school but much of that is our choice and we get joy out of their joy.

[Anonymous]

I 100% do NOT think life is a gift it’s a burden ... they are a gift to me.

You should never try to be your parents, you should never try to be the opposite of your parents. Both modes of operation are unhealthy.

They are absolutely my #1 priority but I am a huge believer of providing needs not wants. Needs... food, shelter, clothes, safety, education, morals. I put those things above all else, then I mss as me myself a priority unless it interferes with their needs.

Financially... I paid for healthy food, a nice house, and a good education. Clothes, but nothing fancy.

We paid for sports/arts/summer camp ... those were 1/2 needs for me but mostly a want not a need.

We pay instate but expect them to pay $5k/year themselves... give or take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I 100% do NOT think life is a gift it’s a burden ... they are a gift to me.

You should never try to be your parents, you should never try to be the opposite of your parents. Both modes of operation are unhealthy.

They are absolutely my #1 priority but I am a huge believer of providing needs not wants. Needs... food, shelter, clothes, safety, education, morals. I put those things above all else, then I mss as me myself a priority unless it interferes with their needs.

Financially... I paid for healthy food, a nice house, and a good education. Clothes, but nothing fancy.

We paid for sports/arts/summer camp ... those were 1/2 needs for me but mostly a want not a need.

We pay instate but expect them to pay $5k/year themselves... give or take.

I forgot the most important...

I 100% have planned my retirement so I will not be a burden to them. I owe it to them to care for myself without their help because they have the right to raise kids with out me as a burden.

[Anonymous]

I feel that I committed to raising a living, breathing human being who has feelings and needs, something my parents had no clue about. I parent the opposite of them because they were clowns.

Apart from that, no I don't "owe" my child anything extravagant beyond basic needs however, I provide all of the things that I can because I only have one child which makes it easier and because my DS doesnt ask for a ton of stuff despite being surrounded by very very wealthy friends/classmates. So yes, I fund extracurriculars, private school, sleep away camps (domestic and international), vacations here and abroad, skiing over spring break & Presidents etc.

We have the same house we always did, its a great 2 bed/2 bath mid century and I don't need a huge house even thought I can afford a bigger one. I drive a Tesla. I'm saving for both college and retirement. I have hobbies and interests but at the end of the day DS comes first. No matter what anyone can or can't afford that's the most important thing.

[Anonymous]

I did not give birth to my children.
I owe them a home (long after they grow up and leave), food, comfort, ties to their birth country and culture, support for their mental health and learning issues, and a basic education (community college).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t your question, but I feel like my entire life revolves around my children sometimes, and I’m not sure that I expected this kind of a commitment. When people ask me how much it costs to raise kids, I answer “all of your money.”
Almost every financial decision we make from what car to drive to where to live to what kinds of work we do is done with the kids in mind and would likely be vastly different if we didn’t have them.

Do I feel like I owe it to them? No. Not really. I do it because I love them and want the best for them.

I don't feel every financial decision is about them. We live in the same small house that we had prior to them. We buy cars we want but work for them. You don't need a mini-van. Our lives center around their needs, activity and school but much of that is our choice and we get joy out of their joy.

Of course it brings you joy. I didn’t mean to imply that it was wrong to center you’re life around your children, or that I am unhappy with my life. I love being a mother. I only meant that being a parent isn’t just doing your thing and setting something aside for your children. It’s the reverse.