What you commit to when you have children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for a car at 16, college at an expensive private school, fancy wedding, and helped with our first downpayment. I am still incredibly hardworking and motivated, never quit to SAH, plan to be active in my profession, extended family, and community foe as long as I can. If my kids turn out equally hardworking and motivated, I will have no problem helping them with all of those “extras”.

You’re still insecure enough to crap on SAHMs. Model better behavior for your kids.

My 18 year old DS thanked me just the other day for staying at home with he and his two siblings throughout childhood. Nothing feels better than that and it removed all my guilt from not working outside the home. He is hardworking and appreciative.

[Anonymous]

My parents couldn't afford to pay for any of our College educations, cars, trips, wedding, etc which means they couldn't afford kids. In fact we ended up financially helping them in old age. When they passed they didn't have enough money for burial.

My parents struggled financially and it was very hard for us kids. I want to give my kids an easier life and a leg up. We pay for College, used car, not much frills. The kids always had to have a summer job for spending money and extras. I want them to feel that work brings good material things. I don't want them to work for basic survival they way my parents and I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for a car at 16, college at an expensive private school, fancy wedding, and helped with our first downpayment. I am still incredibly hardworking and motivated, never quit to SAH, plan to be active in my profession, extended family, and community foe as long as I can. If my kids turn out equally hardworking and motivated, I will have no problem helping them with all of those “extras”.

They will be hardworking and motivated. Don’t worry. It’s the only way to get attention from their incredibly busy mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for a car at 16, college at an expensive private school, fancy wedding, and helped with our first downpayment. I am still incredibly hardworking and motivated, never quit to SAH, plan to be active in my profession, extended family, and community foe as long as I can. If my kids turn out equally hardworking and motivated, I will have no problem helping them with all of those “extras”.

You sound incredibly self absorbed and money grubbing. I'm betting that daycare and nannies have raised your kids. I bet if you ask your kids, they are no planning on following you as a parental role model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for a car at 16, college at an expensive private school, fancy wedding, and helped with our first downpayment. I am still incredibly hardworking and motivated, never quit to SAH, plan to be active in my profession, extended family, and community foe as long as I can. If my kids turn out equally hardworking and motivated, I will have no problem helping them with all of those “extras”.

They will be hardworking and motivated. Don’t worry. It’s the only way to get attention from their incredibly busy mother.

I doubt PP pays much attention to her kids achievements because she is so proud of herself and is incredibly driven to advance her career. It's so funny when people who have received so many advantages up front think they are successful through their 'hard work' and motivation. PP is privileged, spoiled and likely a poor role model and mother.

[Anonymous]

My parents were middle class in a flyover town. They helped us a bit with college, but with 4 kids, couldn’t help that much. I took out a LOT of loans to go to college and just finished paying them off 20 years out from graduation. I am doing fine financially - yes I spent my first few years working significantly paying down my loans, and then had a manageable $200 payment after that.

I don’t think parents owe their kids help with college if it comes at the expense of their own retirement or other needs, and maybe wants. I benefited a lot from my education, picked a practical major (engineering) because the expectation was that I would find a job and support myself after college. I feel like the greatest gift my parents gave me was a stable childhood home and lots of support.

DH comes from an UMC family who does feel like they need to help all their kids with college, grad school, weddings, etc, in part because they have generational wealth and got help.

My parents see the help they give him/us and sometimes express regret they couldn’t help me/siblings more. I think that’s ridiculous - they successfully launched all of us to college and good careers.

So that’s what I feel I am committed to as a parent - doing my best to launch my children into college or another pathway to a good career. There are many pathways to that. I think the focus on $$, once the basic needs and some wants are met, is besides the point.

[Anonymous]

I committed to doing the best by them that I could. Support for unlimited sports, hobbies, etc. College until they graduated , a car from age of 16 until they graduate college, help with a down payment for a house, and not leaving their father until they graduated college.

[Anonymous]

DH offered to pay for college tuition in exchange for his ex-wife forgoing alimony. Both kids dropped out of college, now work dead-end jobs and harrass us to babysit their kids. NO, NO, and NO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for a car at 16, college at an expensive private school, fancy wedding, and helped with our first downpayment. I am still incredibly hardworking and motivated, never quit to SAH, plan to be active in my profession, extended family, and community foe as long as I can. If my kids turn out equally hardworking and motivated, I will have no problem helping them with all of those “extras”.

You’re still insecure enough to crap on SAHMs. Model better behavior for your kids.

My 18 year old DS thanked me just the other day for staying at home with he and his two siblings throughout childhood. Nothing feels better than that and it removed all my guilt from not working outside the home. He is hardworking and appreciative.

My son thanked me for not. I could go into why but you will take it personally or say I’m crapping on SAHMs.

Maybe your decision was good for you and mine was good for me and it’s as simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH offered to pay for college tuition in exchange for his ex-wife forgoing alimony. Both kids dropped out of college, now work dead-end jobs and harrass us to babysit their kids. NO, NO, and NO.

Kids dropping out of college is directly related to your H inability to parent. Congrats you got a real winner there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was reading the thread about Millenials and the help they got from their parents, and it has me thinking about how people think about what they owe their kids, and what their commitment is to help their kids in life. My parents have always been very resentful of financially supporting their kids, even before we turned 18 and even for something like college. Their philosophy was that they had given us life, and then it was up to us what we made of it. This is very counter to how many other families work, and certainly counter to the kinds of support a lot of the millennials on that thread receive from their parents.

So it has me thinking: what are you committing to when you have kids?

I don't want to be like my parents, so when I chose to become a parent, I decided that I would commit to helping my kid in life however I could. I think my primary job is as a guide and teacher, to help my child gain the skills needed to survive and find joy and stability. But I also think I have a duty to provide financial support, to plan for her education, to assist her even into adulthood as necessary. I want her to feel loved and supported by her family at every stage of life, whether it's through adolescence or the challenges of becoming a parent, or pursuing a passion or career, or additional education. I can't guarantee we'll just foot the bill for this stuff, but I absolutely want to help in whatever way I reasonably can. Same for grandkids.

I also don't view life as the gift my parents think it was. Life is a gift but also a burden, and no one chooses to be born but once you are, must find a way to live. It seems cruel to bring people into the world, especially a world with as many problems as our has, and then just expect them to figure it out on their own.

Agreed. I also think that as parents we should commit to leading a healthy life and self care. Our children deserve to have healthy parents for as long as possible. Try and not get lifestyle illnessess. Don't smoke, drink, do drugs, drive drunk or without seatbelts. Get mental health, therapy and medicines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH offered to pay for college tuition in exchange for his ex-wife forgoing alimony. Both kids dropped out of college, now work dead-end jobs and harrass us to babysit their kids. NO, NO, and NO.

Wow! So this was ex-wife's children, or were these your DH's biological kids? I cannot imagine what a POS human your DS is if he crapped on his own kids. No. No and No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for a car at 16, college at an expensive private school, fancy wedding, and helped with our first downpayment. I am still incredibly hardworking and motivated, never quit to SAH, plan to be active in my profession, extended family, and community foe as long as I can. If my kids turn out equally hardworking and motivated, I will have no problem helping them with all of those “extras”.

You’re still insecure enough to crap on SAHMs. Model better behavior for your kids.

My 18 year old DS thanked me just the other day for staying at home with he and his two siblings throughout childhood. Nothing feels better than that and it removed all my guilt from not working outside the home. He is hardworking and appreciative.

My son thanked me for not. I could go into why but you will take it personally or say I’m crapping on SAHMs.

Maybe your decision was good for you and mine was good for me and it’s as simple as that.

So, why take a dig at a SAHM. Really no need or you are insecure about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH offered to pay for college tuition in exchange for his ex-wife forgoing alimony. Both kids dropped out of college, now work dead-end jobs and harrass us to babysit their kids. NO, NO, and NO.

Wow! So this was ex-wife's children, or were these your DH's biological kids? I cannot imagine what a POS human your DS is if he crapped on his own kids. No. No and No.

What, he paid for the college but kids choose to drop out. He cannot force them to go to college. Why would you say that? He would have paid if the kids remained in school.

[Anonymous]

Both DH and I committed to
- working on our marriage and giving a well functioning home life and a warm loving family to our kids. We waited for a long time before having kids.
- being healthy for our children, being frugal for our finances, being present to give them security
- prioritizing their education, sitting with them each evening to help with homework, reading to them, supporting them according to their needs and ability.
- creating a network of family and friends. Giving time to these various relationships so that my kids have people who look out for them.
- guiding them in their interests, dreams, hobbies, abilities, education, career
- helping them by paying for college and further education so they do not have student debt
- helping them with whatever we can afford to give them = wedding, car, downpayment. Letting them live with us for as long as they need to.
- helping their spouses and children - babysitting, education, support.
- being self-sufficient as far as finances are concerned so that they do not have to be burdened if they have to take care of us.
- treating both kids equally and fairly. Loving whoever they choose to marry and respecting them. Being equal in loving grandkids.
- dividing property equally.