I need DH to be better at getting out the door with our child

[Anonymous]

My DH is great at taking on childcare duties and does a great job of splitting them with me. But he is TERRIBLE at getting our child out the door when he is taking her out (so I can work, or clean, or call my mom, or whatever). Like he’ll say “At 3 I’ll take her to the playground.” But it doesn’t happen until 3:45. And since often the goal is do I can actually do something, and my child spends that extra 45 minutes coming to ME, it is really tough for me.

So much of what he does during this time makes no sense. He’ll say “we’re going” and then sit down and stare at his phone for 5 minutes. He’ll pack a snack, but then start asking me about a bill ( as I’m trying to start whatever task I need to do). In the meantime, our child, who is 3 and needs focused energy and attention to get her out the door, is a mess. She will then resist leaving and I will wind up dropping what I’m doing to do what my DH should have done to start: motivate and move her along without giving into the whining and resisting. He just acts helpless about it, and seems to have developed no skills to move her forward (like he doesn’t understand that sometimes you just need a single effective motivation, like “once you are in the stroller, you can eat your favorite crackers”). Plus all his starting and stopping definitely contributes to her resistance because she’ll start out excited about leaving and then get caught up in playing while he checks his email, and then meltdown when told she needs to go.

How can I facilitate my DH getting better at this? It totally derails what is supposed to be productive time for me and by the time they are out the door, I’m so exhausted I have trouble focusing. He’s stepping up and bring a partner to me and a good dad, but he is just very bad at this specific part of it and I need him to be better.

[Anonymous]

I would leave. Make this his problem to solve.

So, go for a walk around the block, or lock yourself in an upstairs room and just start working or calling your mom, or something so that they are alone and you aren't reinforcing this by rescuing him.

[Anonymous]

Mine sucks at this too. In 5 years and 3 kids he hasn’t improved. Depending on my mood and what I need to get done I either:
-spend the 20 min and shoo (shew?) them all out the door myself
-lock myself in my room with my computer and turn on a loud fan to drown them out
-leave the house

[Anonymous]

Medicate him for ADHD.

I know this is glib, but I live with that, and other ADHD-related issue, all the live-long day, with my husband and son. My son is medicated and it changed his life. My husband refuses to medicate, and guess what? He drives us all crazy.

[Anonymous]

Leave him alone to deal with it. Go for a walk, call your mom from the store, whatever - but let him figure out a system and let him deal with the consequences. It is the only way he will learn.

[Anonymous]

Does he stay out the entire time or does he come home early?

If he’s supposed to be out from 3 to 5 but he leaves at 3:45 and still comes home at 5, that’s a problem.

Talk to him.

Then if that doesn’t work, you leave at 3pm. Tell your 3 year old, “bye! I’m going out. You’re going to the playground with daddy.” Then walk out the door. I’ll I’ll as C

[Anonymous]

Yup. You leave on time. Whether he does or not is his business.

[Anonymous]

Just do the thing. Work, or clean, or call your mom. If your child interrupts you, redirect her to your spouse. If he's doing his thing in the room you need to be in, ask him to move. "Hey, I'm cleaning this room, would you guys mind clearing out of here?"

Don't wait for him to do his piece. Just politely ask him to move. If your child is clingy, pop the child on his lap.

[Anonymous]

Ohhhh I feel you, op.

If he says he's leaving at 3, tell him great, "so at 3pm I am officially off kid duty." If you must, explain to him that it's easier for you to get things started if you have a solid start time. So at 3pm, if your child is bugging you, you say "hey husband, remember, you're on duty, not me." And just put your foot down over and over until he gets it.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the responses. It helps me to know I'm not alone!

It generally isn't a situation where I can leave. It's usually something like I need 2 hours to work on a project for work so we arrange for DH to take the kid out for a bit so I can get quiet time at home (I do the same for him when he needs to focus on work). I will try to just start my activity, but our home is small and what will happen is that DH will get distracted with some activity and my kid will just come find me and 3 year olds are REALLY good at preventing anything resembling work from happening.

He will usually compensate by staying out longer. But the real problem is that the 30+ minutes I spend trying to facilitate/force them out the door is incredibly draining and by the time they go, it is really hard to pivot to whatever I need to do. Like if he just left the house late but things were calm in the process, it would be fine. But because he's all over the place, our kid melts down, and it is total chaos and there is usually a ton of bribery involved to get them out the door. It's so draining.

When it's my turn, I have a kind of routine that maintains momentum and lots of little tricks to move things along ("Let's put our shoes on together!" "Can you pick out a book to look at in the car?" "What if you draw a map to the park while I pack our snack?"). And I stay on task. I can be out the door in 10 minutes. Not always a smooth or easy 10 minutes, but we're out of the house.

The ADHD comment might be on to something. I don't even know where to start with that though.

[Anonymous]

If the other suggestions don't work, then take the initiative to get them out the door. Pack the snack, find the shoes, etc. etc.

[Anonymous]

Omgggg my husband is so slow getting out the door. He doesn’t play on his phone, he’s just SLOW.

[Anonymous]

Pack a snack and bag, kid to the bathroom and what ever is needed, hand him the bag and say child is ready and waiting.

[Anonymous]

We split kid duty a lot. If I’ve got kids until 3, when he’s supposed to leave, I’d go ahead and get kid all ready by 3 so all he has to do is walk out the door.

[Anonymous]

We are married to the same person. It will be the unpopular solution but it works: I get my kids ready. He says they’re leaving at 3 pm? At 2:30 pm I put on their shoes, masks, make sure everyone has gone to the bathroom, has a drink of water, a string cheese and I will straight-up buckle them in their car seats and hand him the keys if I’m in a hurry to do my thing. Trust me, it is a minor inconvenience relative to listening the screeching and crying and where-are-their-shoes and when-are-we-going-Daddys. And I can do it in half the time he can with none of the whining, so...pick your battles.