How do do you handle couple friendships when the wife is very racist?
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Anonymous
| My husband has a good friend of about 20 yrs who's wife is so blatantly racist I no longer want to do couple things or playdates with her and kids. The husband is fine, although very privileged and sheltered. The wife just seems mean spirited like telling my kids and parents (who are not white) not go to a certain beach in the area because there are too many immigrants there or mentioning she didn't like her old neighborhood because black kids harassed her. My husband agrees she's awful and wants to stay far away but also doesn't want to associate with his friend anymore. I think he should still see his friend, he disagrees and feels if the friend tolerates his wife he must be the same. How would you handle this? |
Anonymous
| He gets to choose his own friends. I’m not sure why you want him to stay friends with the husband |
Anonymous
| I don't. |
Anonymous
|
He gets to pick his friends, but you get to choose how you socialize and you have a reasonable level of veto on how your kids socialize. So, you and the kids don't see them: your DH can do what he wants.
I did this when I wanted out of a couples friendship with a really toxic person. I just said to DH that I wouldn't visit with his friend (the toxic one) or the friend's spouse, and they were not welcome in our home or to be around our child. What he did with them otherwise was his business and I promised I would not say anything about it or judge DH for remaining in touch. I was really not interested in shaming him out of this friendship, because it was a longstanding one. I didn't want to isolate DH from his friends. But the end result was that DH eventually broke it off with that friend. He and I have never discussed exactly how that happened. |
Anonymous
| Your husband is right. |
Anonymous
| What do you say when the wife says these ugly things???? |
Anonymous
| Yeah we don’t want to associate with racists or spouses of racists. |
Anonymous
|
Neither my husband nor I would stay friends with them. Even if the husband isn't saying the racist things he knows she's saying them and condones them by not speaking out against her and staying with a racist woman.
DH and I are white, but we will NOT associate with racists. It just goes against who we are and what we believe in. |
Anonymous
| I don't keep friendships with racists or racist enablers/apologists. |
Anonymous
This. Not sure why you don’t want your husband to drop the husband. |
Anonymous
Agreed. It’s likely they share the same views but she’s the only one who verbalized them. Would you ever be married to someone like that? |
Anonymous
+1 You've made it clear that you don't object to him remaining friends with this guy. Fine. He doesn't want to. Also fine. Not sure why you'd push him on this. |
Anonymous
| How do you respond when the wife makes these racist comments? |
Anonymous
|
We would never see these people again. |
Anonymous
|
I love how everyone wants your DH to ditch the racists DH - if the DH is not racist then yeah, don't tell your DH he can't maintain that friendship. He's a grown adult, he can make his own decisions about his friends.
That said, no you don't have to have this couple in your house, around you or around your kids. And the people asking "how can you be friends with them?" or "he must feel the same way and not voice it!" - yeah no, you must not have that woman friend in your lives who's husbands you don't like for whatever reason. Some people are married to jerks and fall in love with them blindly. It doesn't make them bad and in fact, your DH's friendship could be a respite for the other DH. Jeez people! |