How do do you handle couple friendships when the wife is very racist?

[Anonymous]

We have entered the decade where it's time to stand up to this. The last 5 years all the closeted bigots felt free to come out of the woodwork.
Publicly challenge her next time she spouts her racist crap.

It's time for us white, priveleged people to start working on speaking up for what's right to start solving the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone wants your DH to ditch the racists DH - if the DH is not racist then yeah, don't tell your DH he can't maintain that friendship. He's a grown adult, he can make his own decisions about his friends.

That said, no you don't have to have this couple in your house, around you or around your kids.

And the people asking "how can you be friends with them?" or "he must feel the same way and not voice it!" - yeah no, you must not have that woman friend in your lives who's husbands you don't like for whatever reason. Some people are married to jerks and fall in love with them blindly. It doesn't make them bad and in fact, your DH's friendship could be a respite for the other DH. Jeez people!

Which he is doing. HE doesn't want to hang out with this guy, and is making his own decision.

[Anonymous]

It is time.

Zero tolerance for the hate period.

It has gone on for way too long.

DH wants to be friends that make him accepting of their words. Words matter. Dump DH because clearly, he feels the same. There is no middle ground with racists, bigots, and idiots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a good friend of about 20 yrs who's wife is so blatantly racist I no longer want to do couple things or playdates with her and kids. The husband is fine, although very privileged and sheltered. The wife just seems mean spirited like telling my kids and parents (who are not white) not go to a certain beach in the area because there are too many immigrants there or mentioning she didn't like her old neighborhood because black kids harassed her. My husband agrees she's awful and wants to stay far away but also doesn't want to associate with his friend anymore. I think he should still see his friend, he disagrees and feels if the friend tolerates his wife he must be the same. How would you handle this?

Yeah, I don't really. If I'm forced to be around people like this -at a BBQ or a restaurant or out with a group- I stay away and can exchange a few polite words if I need to. But, generally, I don't get involved with them. "I'm busy" a lot or just decline things. And do not invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It is time.

Zero tolerance for the hate period.

It has gone on for way too long.

DH wants to be friends that make him accepting of their words. Words matter. Dump DH because clearly, he feels the same. There is no middle ground with racists, bigots, and idiots.

You didn't read the OP correctly.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband has solved this for you. This friend is not important to him and he doesn’t want to engage because of racist wife. Didn’t you basically say that in your post? So what’s the problem? They’re gone- out of your lives. Your DH is on board with ending the couple friendship. He knows at the very least the other husband is an enabler of her behavior. I don’t understand what you’re trying to solve here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a good friend of about 20 yrs who's wife is so blatantly racist I no longer want to do couple things or playdates with her and kids. The husband is fine, although very privileged and sheltered. The wife just seems mean spirited like telling my kids and parents (who are not white) not go to a certain beach in the area because there are too many immigrants there or mentioning she didn't like her old neighborhood because black kids harassed her. My husband agrees she's awful and wants to stay far away but also doesn't want to associate with his friend anymore. I think he should still see his friend, he disagrees and feels if the friend tolerates his wife he must be the same. How would you handle this?

I agree with your DH. He's a big boy, let him pick his friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone wants your DH to ditch the racists DH - if the DH is not racist then yeah, don't tell your DH he can't maintain that friendship. He's a grown adult, he can make his own decisions about his friends.

That said, no you don't have to have this couple in your house, around you or around your kids.

And the people asking "how can you be friends with them?" or "he must feel the same way and not voice it!" - yeah no, you must not have that woman friend in your lives who's husbands you don't like for whatever reason. Some people are married to jerks and fall in love with them blindly. It doesn't make them bad and in fact, your DH's friendship could be a respite for the other DH. Jeez people!

I think there's a big difference between "ugh, that Steve is a loud talker" and "ugh, that Steve is a blatant racist".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It is time.

Zero tolerance for the hate period.

It has gone on for way too long.

DH wants to be friends that make him accepting of their words. Words matter. Dump DH because clearly, he feels the same. There is no middle ground with racists, bigots, and idiots.

You didn't read correctly. The DH isn't interested in remaining friends or apologizing for the behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm very grateful my DH is not tolerating bigoted behavior. He's from a very white and wealthy background and until we were in a relationship didn't really have to think about these things. Now as an interracial couple and father of none-white kids he is fiercely protective and very responsive to intolerance and bigotry. That's amazing! However sometimes as a brown person it feels like the burden of these friendships ending is on me. Maybe it's totally illogical. However I'm glad to have an ally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm very grateful my DH is not tolerating bigoted behavior. He's from a very white and wealthy background and until we were in a relationship didn't really have to think about these things. Now as an interracial couple and father of none-white kids he is fiercely protective and very responsive to intolerance and bigotry. That's amazing! However sometimes as a brown person it feels like the burden of these friendships ending is on me. Maybe it's totally illogical. However I'm glad to have an ally.

No, the burden of the friendships ending is on the racist. They are the ones to blame, not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm very grateful my DH is not tolerating bigoted behavior. He's from a very white and wealthy background and until we were in a relationship didn't really have to think about these things. Now as an interracial couple and father of none-white kids he is fiercely protective and very responsive to intolerance and bigotry. That's amazing! However sometimes as a brown person it feels like the burden of these friendships ending is on me. Maybe it's totally illogical. However I'm glad to have an ally.

Absolutely not. His friend’s wife chooses to be racist, so she can deal with the fall-out from that behavior. And I would think about what issues you are personally dealing with that would lead you to believe the burden is because of you. Stop with that nonsense.

- Fellow Brown Person (married to a White Person)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm very grateful my DH is not tolerating bigoted behavior. He's from a very white and wealthy background and until we were in a relationship didn't really have to think about these things. Now as an interracial couple and father of none-white kids he is fiercely protective and very responsive to intolerance and bigotry. That's amazing! However sometimes as a brown person it feels like the burden of these friendships ending is on me. Maybe it's totally illogical. However I'm glad to have an ally.

Absolutely not. His friend’s wife chooses to be racist, so she can deal with the fall-out from that behavior. And I would think about what issues you are personally dealing with that would lead you to believe the burden is because of you. Stop with that nonsense.

- Fellow Brown Person (married to a White Person)

+1

[Anonymous]

We no longer socialize with brother in law and sister in law. Think what you would do in 1930s Germany.

[Anonymous]

I would not interact with someone like this. You are the company you keep.