Left Out/Childhood Baggage. Help!

[Anonymous]

Preface: As a kid we moved a lot and I was always new, always on the outside looking in, always felt left out from the group or that I couldn't quite "break in."


There's a "popular girl" in my neighborhood. She's very nice actually. Her kids are a grade older and different gender than my kids so we never became close when they were young. However many of my friends did with her with kids in same age, including my two best neighborhood friends (her younger DD is close with their DSs).

She is having a birthday party and most of my friends in the group are going, but I am not. I am not close to her, more of a friendly acquaintance. However, I feel totally left out. I had planned a small dinner outdoors and every single person said they had a conflict which is how I figured it out. ...

I am feeling about 13 years old right now and feeling very left out of the group. It is bringing up memories of moving to a new school for the 10th time and knowing nobody, sitting home alone on a weekend night.

I need some ideas about how to grapple with this. At the core I fear my best friends will pair off and leave me behind and I'll be excluded from future social outings too. Thanks, I bet this sounds babyish but it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs. It’s a pandemic, which is limiting how big these events can be. Plan yours for another night so you have something to look forward to. Consider inviting her so you can get to know her better. I’m sorry you’re feeling low. If I knew you I’d invite you over for a fire pit night!

[Anonymous]

When you have your party, invite her. A good way to spark up the friendship

[Anonymous]

So sorry! What if your invites went out before the other ones did? Would the shoe be on the other foot, with the nice and popular girl getting responses of can’t make it, I’ve got a conflict?

[Anonymous]

You need to just give yourself the talk you need. "This wasn't personal. I know this."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry! What if your invites went out before the other ones did? Would the shoe be on the other foot, with the nice and popular girl getting responses of can’t make it, I’ve got a conflict?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you have your party, invite her. A good way to spark up the friendship

This. Wait until vaccines are more common in our age group, then have your dinner party and invite this woman and/or her family.

[Anonymous]

This old wound coming up is an opportunity to reparent yourself. When you feel you have the emotional capacity let yourself go into your old memories and show up in the way that you needed for yourself that you didn’t get way back when. So for example, if what you needed in those lovely moments was someone to come in, be your friend, comfort you and give you compassion and empathy, then go into your memory with the tools you have know and offer that young girl what she needed. I know this sounds cheesy but it is really helpful! It is a way to give yourself what you needed so that you can begin to heal some of these older wounds. It really helps so that you can be more present when you are triggered and not be quite as overwhelmed with the old sensations. I understand and big hugs.

[Anonymous]

Op, stop paying "your feelings" so much attention

-how about you go do something productive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry! What if your invites went out before the other ones did? Would the shoe be on the other foot, with the nice and popular girl getting responses of can’t make it, I’ve got a conflict?

It sounds like the guests already said they have a conflict ( have already accepted the other invitation). We’re you going to invite this person to your party, OP? If not, why would you expect her to invite you to hers?

[Anonymous]

I agree. Invite your neighbor to your next function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, stop paying "your feelings" so much attention

-how about you go do something productive

If only it were that easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, stop paying "your feelings" so much attention

-how about you go do something productive

You mean like trolling people on the internet?

OP, it never feels good to get left out, even when you can reason through it and know it's not personal. When I'm in this situation, I find the best antidote is to reach out to friends outside this particular circle. It helps to remind you that this evening with neighbors isn't the be all and end all of your social life. Can your reach out to family or friends from a different part of your life? You don't have to duplicate your original plans with them. In fact, I would just reach out to different people in different ways. Send a text to a friend outside the neighborhood you haven't seen in a while and suggest a weekend meetup sometime in the next few weeks. Email the family about a recipe exchange. Etc. Some people will get back to you right away, some will take a while, but it will remind you that your social life isn't limited to your neighbors.

I have a friend from grad school who is always my to to in moments like this. She moved to the suburbs a few years ago so we don't get together as often as we used to, which makes her the perfect counter balance to these kind of neighborhood things. Our connection is older than our kids and isn't about location -- we just like each other and have an easy rapport, so talking to her, or even exchanging a few texts about some random celebrity news or what we've been reading, makes me feel connected and boosts my senses of self-worth. Do you have someone like that? It doesn't have to be your closes friend, just an older friend that you have an easy back and forth with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This old wound coming up is an opportunity to reparent yourself. When you feel you have the emotional capacity let yourself go into your old memories and show up in the way that you needed for yourself that you didn’t get way back when. So for example, if what you needed in those lovely moments was someone to come in, be your friend, comfort you and give you compassion and empathy, then go into your memory with the tools you have know and offer that young girl what she needed. I know this sounds cheesy but it is really helpful! It is a way to give yourself what you needed so that you can begin to heal some of these older wounds. It really helps so that you can be more present when you are triggered and not be quite as overwhelmed with the old sensations. I understand and big hugs.

Pardon, this should say lonely* moments, not lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This old wound coming up is an opportunity to reparent yourself. When you feel you have the emotional capacity let yourself go into your old memories and show up in the way that you needed for yourself that you didn’t get way back when. So for example, if what you needed in those lovely moments was someone to come in, be your friend, comfort you and give you compassion and empathy, then go into your memory with the tools you have know and offer that young girl what she needed. I know this sounds cheesy but it is really helpful! It is a way to give yourself what you needed so that you can begin to heal some of these older wounds. It really helps so that you can be more present when you are triggered and not be quite as overwhelmed with the old sensations. I understand and big hugs.

Nicely said. Thanks PP.