Losing Friendship Over Child
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Anonymous
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My friend has a 3 year old who does not behave. I know kids this age push boundaries, but you’re supposed to teach them right/wrong and discipline them when they don’t listen. She does not. Her child has been over at our house for the lady couple of weeks and is a terror. He never listens, will yell back if I tell them to do something, and will even curse at me.
Examples are One day I told them ( my child is also 3) that they needed to turn off the tv and eat lunch. He proceeded to scream that he didn’t want to. I told him a stern voice that these are the rules in my house and it’s lunch time. He then told me he doesn’t like me and starts throwing a tantrum. Another time they were playing at the park and we needed to leave. He again started screaming and then told me “ f u”. I told his mom and she just says “ he’s little and learning. He doesn’t understand things yet”. I get it. My 3 year old has days where he won’t listen, but we try to discipline him with redirection, eye level talks explaining things, and time outs or privileges ( no tv time) taken away. I don’t want this kid at my house anymore because it’s too stressful. I feel I will lose the friendship if I tell her that her child is not welcome in my house. |
Anonymous
| Can you tweak your approach to this kid? Give five minute warnings, frame things less as deprivation (no more park) and more like switching to something else (were going to go home and play in the yard/do Legos/etc)? You might need to scale back how frequently you hang out until the kid matures a bit more, but you can also enlist his mom in the disciplinary things. Ex. get her to be the one to say tv off. This assumes she’s there. I’f she’s not there, see if you can be more playful and like I said, tweak your approach. |
Anonymous
| Sadly, this happens, especially with young kids. There will be someone you really like and consider a friend, and something in their parenting will seem so off to you, or vice versa, that will break up the friendship. I had a very similar story. You can try only having them over together when the parent is there to see the behavior. |
Anonymous
You might. You could try presenting the decision diplomatically. If you are babysitting for her, just tell her you can't anymore. If the kids are having a play date, suggest meeting somewhere else. If she wants to do it at your house, say "I know I might be old fashioned, but your Larlo really doesn't like to follow the rules I have. I think we'll all get along better if we meet a the park instead." What you can't do is discipline someone else's kid, or criticize her for her parenting. It's very possible in a few months to a year, he will mellow out. It's also possible that your discipline style is just not right for him (e.g., there are other ways to get preschoolers to follow directions besides using a stern voice and telling them it's your house). I think if you accept that you and the child are just not a good match, and take on some of the responsibility of that, your friendship, if it is genuine, will survive. |
Anonymous
| Why is the kid spending so much time at your house--for childcare reasons? For playdates? Is the mom there when the bad behavior is happening? You can stop having the kid over without saying the kid isn't welcome there. Just say it's not working for you and your kid. |
Anonymous
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Why is he at your house without his mom?
Maybe just meet at the playground together from now on. If you guys swap childcare you can easily say you’re too overwhelmed with work/stress/whatever to do that now. Only accept get togethers outside AND where you’re not in charge of the kid. |
Anonymous
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Too much togetherness!! Why is anyone in your house this long.
Don't throw-out the friendship over this, fix this very odd dynamic of being together so much. And at some point you can extend invitations to meet, but it's without kids. |
Anonymous
| Tell her that play dates are getting too stressful for you - "aren't three year olds a handful?" - and redirect invitations to girls' night out. "Let's grab drinks on Saturday night" (post covid) or "why don't you swing by after the baby's in bed and we can chat by the firepit outside". Don't tell her the child isn't welcome, but just change the plans to be adults only each time. |
Anonymous
| When he is over the top, call an end to the play date and suggest trying again another day when he is feeling more up to it. Walk away or send them away. |
Anonymous
OP here. She dopes him off for play dates and vice versa. We both work PT but opposite days and we will have one play date a week and each other’s houses. We live on the same street and it’s been nice having my son be able to play with another kid. |
Anonymous
| We have a similar issue with our neighbor’s kid (who is 6yo). We quarantined together for awhile and I realized that he’s mean to our kids (similarly aged), makes fun of them and calls them babies, doesn’t listen to the rules, is an overall bad influence etc. the parents are very hands off, work outside the home and are not watching him. We are neighborly with the parents, they’re great just not as involved as I’d prefer. I’ve now set boundaries and told my kids they can no longer play with him unless a parent is around. I agree with what others suggest: only set up play dates when your friend is around, preferably outside your home. Make up an excuse that your DC is becoming a handful and it’s too much to watch both kids, but would love the chance to catch up with her at a park while they play together. It will be much less stressful for you. |
Anonymous
I have a just turned 4yo but I also have 2 boys in elementary school. 4yo can be very difficult. I would not dare drop her off at someone’s home alone. My middle child was an absolute disaster at age 3. He was so bad that I stopped working. He is now the sweetest boy ever. I have a friend whose son was an absolute terror. He would not just yell. He would actually hit adults as well as children and parents did nothing. These parents were social and a lot of fun but would bring sick, like kid is laying on the floor with a fever, but would want to continue hanging out. Now kids are all in elementary and their kids are normal despite being little shits when they were younger. My point is that kids change. I don’t think this has to be a friend ending moment but the drop off play dates (sounds more like childcare swap) should end. |
Anonymous
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Just my two cents-- if this friendship is important to you, bite your tongue and be patient for a while.
One of my closest friends for years became a parent a decade after I did. Her kids were NIGHTMARES but she excused and sometimes even celebrated their "spiritedness." Trying to talk to her about it strained our friendship . She thought I was "pathologizing" because I teach kids with developmental and behavioral challenges. She hurt my feelings by pointing out times when my own kids were not perfectly behaved-- implying I was a hypocrite. I gave up trying to talk about it, and just quietly stretched the times between visits, and arranged them to be in outdoor settings, or places where I didn't have to be the one to enforce the rules! When her kids were still getting us kicked out of restaurants and children's museums at 9 and 10 years old, she was finally ready to see they had issues that needed addressing. The family started counselling. Both kids went to counseling. They were both tested, and one was moved to an ED (emotional disturbances) program at school. The kids' behavior improved somewhat after this. My friend was less stressed. My kids and I were less stressed when they visited! A few years ago,she was diagnosed with cancer and died 14 months later. We talked almost every day during that time. I visited her the day before she passed. I don't know how close you and your friend are. There were DEFINITELY times when I considered cutting off contact with my friend. But, if I had, I would have lost years with someone who was like a sister to me. I miss her now. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't end the friendship. I wouldn't say anything to my friend. I would just be unavailable for drop off play dates and set up any together times a neutral spaces like parts. Telling someone about their child is not s space I wish to be in. Most people get really defensive and really won't hear you.
Kids can grow and change, some don't. In the end it's not your child and you don't want that type of exposure for your young impressionable child. Don't feel guilty. |
Anonymous
| Cut the cord and don't look back. |