Losing Friendship Over Child

[Anonymous]

PP above

Also, I was very strict about manners and respect at my house. We lived in a small neighborhood with tons of little kids but varying degrees of supervision.

I had an older (7) neighborhood DC who liked to play with my 5 and 3 YO, often inside. One time I told the visiting neighbor to help clean up and head home...and was told "no." I explained to the kid that he wouldn't be coming back.

Another DC-when I said it was time to go home-turned to me and asked why. I said, "because I said so." Banished.

Zero tolerance for misbehaved kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is the kid spending so much time at your house--for childcare reasons? For playdates? Is the mom there when the bad behavior is happening? You can stop having the kid over without saying the kid isn't welcome there. Just say it's not working for you and your kid.

OP here. She dopes him off for play dates and vice versa. We both work PT but opposite days and we will have one play date a week and each other’s houses. We live on the same street and it’s been nice having my son be able to play with another kid.

Then don’t ruin it by criticizing her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have called his mother the first time to pick him up and there would never have been another play date and would have told her why.
Three year olds do not tell me what they are going to do when in my house. Also, I do not put up with tantrums and brats.

And go ahead and step away from the friendship. In my experience, the "discipline divide" will just widen between you two moms.

Bigger kids = bigger issues.

I've let seemingly close friendships go due to these insurmountable obstacles; one where a mom disciplined, chastised and criticized my DC in front of me and another where my DC was physically and intentionally hurt/pushed by a slightly older DC. In the first case, I saw this friend out of my house and that was the end of the relationship. The latter situation was more nuanced - this was a neighbor family. I talked to the mom and her response was to laugh it off and claim DC's "lack of social skills and quirkiness." I kept my DC away from hers and never invited her DC to ever be unsupervised around mine.

Lol. I wonder if they realize how lucky they were to get out of that relationship. It sounds like your kids will have a rough time when they get out from under you, though.

[Anonymous]

You two are a bad match because you differ greatly in a childcare approach and just as you might be overdisciplinning their kid whily in your care, she might be ruining your style of parenting while your kid is at her place alone and will oick up all the behaviors and get used to getting away with his way all the time.

It is not that pne of you is more right here, each person raises kids diferently. Some let kids do anything others set tuled and enforce.

You really can not expect other person to bend to your rules just as you should not impose on dizciplinning their kid into your standards.


Gere is why you need to stop the kid swapping stuff..
1. Because your kid will soon start missbehaving mirroring his friend
2. Because it is easy to mess kid up and very hard to undo
3. Because you can not handle their kid
4. Because you can not accept their kid as they are
5. Because their free range paernting is bad for your style
6 Because doon your kid will learn to curse
7 Because soon your kid will hate you in a learned behavior way when you will enforce any rules
8 Because your resentment is high and will get worse once you will start notticing damage to your parenting style that will come soon


It may feel that convenience is worth the stress but in a long run it is not wort it. Ask those who lived through this..
While you should not judge other parenting styles you need to be aware that they affect your kid so unless you are okay with the other parents style dont take their kid in and dont leave your kid there.

You are saving yourself a lot of problems. Ubavodable ones if you continue.

How to go from here is easy once you know what you can and can not accept, you will find the right words.

[Anonymous]

Do you need to SAY he's not welcome? Just invite her to do adult things without either kid.

I wouldn't let that kid in my home either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have called his mother the first time to pick him up and there would never have been another play date and would have told her why.
Three year olds do not tell me what they are going to do when in my house. Also, I do not put up with tantrums and brats.

And go ahead and step away from the friendship. In my experience, the "discipline divide" will just widen between you two moms.

Bigger kids = bigger issues.

I've let seemingly close friendships go due to these insurmountable obstacles; one where a mom disciplined, chastised and criticized my DC in front of me and another where my DC was physically and intentionally hurt/pushed by a slightly older DC. In the first case, I saw this friend out of my house and that was the end of the relationship. The latter situation was more nuanced - this was a neighbor family. I talked to the mom and her response was to laugh it off and claim DC's "lack of social skills and quirkiness." I kept my DC away from hers and never invited her DC to ever be unsupervised around mine.

Lol. I wonder if they know how lucky they were to get out of that relationship. It sounds like your kids will have a rough time when they get out from under you, though.

PP and should have expected criticism. Yes, in both cases, my DCs were fortunate that I could advocate for them. Sorry, but we aren't friends with nasty, misbehaved children and their parents.

And, my DCs are now well-adjusted, kind, polite young adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP above

Also, I was very strict about manners and respect at my house. We lived in a small neighborhood with tons of little kids but varying degrees of supervision.

I had an older (7) neighborhood DC who liked to play with my 5 and 3 YO, often inside. One time I told the visiting neighbor to help clean up and head home...and was told "no." I explained to the kid that he wouldn't be coming back.

Another DC-when I said it was time to go home-turned to me and asked why. I said, "because I said so." Banished.

Zero tolerance for misbehaved kids.

Misbehaved kids say no when they're asked to turn off the TV, or say that they aren't ready yet. A child telling a trusted adult FU is something far worse than simply misbehaved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is the kid spending so much time at your house--for childcare reasons? For playdates? Is the mom there when the bad behavior is happening? You can stop having the kid over without saying the kid isn't welcome there. Just say it's not working for you and your kid.

OP here. She dopes him off for play dates and vice versa. We both work PT but opposite days and we will have one play date a week and each other’s houses. We live on the same street and it’s been nice having my son be able to play with another kid.

Yes, the PP understands that this is your current practice. But you’ve stated your issue with the child refusing to follow your rules and/or throwing a tantrum, so PP is suggesting that you cease doing the drop-off play dates. If you want to continue the play dates then the solution is either to cope the best you can with his reactions. There is no magic way to make him behave that doesn’t involve overstepping. And that will likely end the play dates anyway.

So decide what your goal is and act accordingly. If it’s to preserve the friendship with the mom, but not have to deal with kids bad behavior, do what PP suggests. If it’s to keep having play dates then just deal. And if it’s to have play dates on your terms (insisting on your standard of behavior for the kid) then you can do that too but it’s a risk bc the mom May be offended and stop the play dates and the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP above

Also, I was very strict about manners and respect at my house. We lived in a small neighborhood with tons of little kids but varying degrees of supervision.

I had an older (7) neighborhood DC who liked to play with my 5 and 3 YO, often inside. One time I told the visiting neighbor to help clean up and head home...and was told "no." I explained to the kid that he wouldn't be coming back.

Another DC-when I said it was time to go home-turned to me and asked why. I said, "because I said so." Banished.

Zero tolerance for misbehaved kids.

Misbehaved kids say no when they're asked to turn off the TV, or say that they aren't ready yet. A child telling a trusted adult FU is something far worse than simply misbehaved.

Back in the day, there was solidarity among most parents that this would be unacceptable. Not so, today.
Sadly, if OP follows this line of thinking and backs it up with action, she will find herself to be painted as the next villain in the resulting DCUM thread on “audacious behavior of ride neighbor who traumatized my child!”

[Anonymous]

My kids are older, but I remember explaining my very short list of "house rules" to their friends who would come over to play in grade school. No jumping on the furniture, no helping yourself to snacks (all I ask is that you please ask first), that kind of thing. If they asked for a snack they knew I would respond, "What do you say?" (answer: please followed by thank-you). My list was pretty short, but they knew the score and my kids' friends were fine with it. Strangely, my house became the go-to after school house for the neighborhood.

Let the kid know what your expectations, OP. If a kid had told me "F U", he would have gone home immediately and I would have told his mother that he swore at me. Let her ask him what he said later. That is completely unacceptable behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have called his mother the first time to pick him up and there would never have been another play date and would have told her why.
Three year olds do not tell me what they are going to do when in my house. Also, I do not put up with tantrums and brats.

And go ahead and step away from the friendship. In my experience, the "discipline divide" will just widen between you two moms.

Bigger kids = bigger issues.

I've let seemingly close friendships go due to these insurmountable obstacles; one where a mom disciplined, chastised and criticized my DC in front of me and another where my DC was physically and intentionally hurt/pushed by a slightly older DC. In the first case, I saw this friend out of my house and that was the end of the relationship. The latter situation was more nuanced - this was a neighbor family. I talked to the mom and her response was to laugh it off and claim DC's "lack of social skills and quirkiness." I kept my DC away from hers and never invited her DC to ever be unsupervised around mine.

Lol. I wonder if they realize how lucky they were to get out of that relationship. It sounds like your kids will have a rough time when they get out from under you, though.

Wait - you're pissy with people over lack of discipline, but object to your own kid being disciplined? Oh dear.

What did your little angel do in the first instance?

[Anonymous]

OP You have different parenting styles and very different kids. All you have in common is that you live near each other. You child is low key and goes along with your softer parenting style. Her kid is ummm high energy and willful. They need different styles of parenting. But explaining all that will damage the friendship. From now on short outside activities. Also the long post above where PP explains her child influencing yours is spot on.

[Anonymous]

So many pearl clutchers. Former preschool teacher here. It’s entirely common and developmentally normal for preschool kids to experiment with swearing. It’s certainly not a reason for parents to judge each other or end a friendship. Kids are smart. They are learning words have power. And Not all kids respond well to an authoritative parenting style. OP you need to try some different techniques. Because I said so is not going to work for a lot of kids. Just because your child is compliant doesn’t make this other child or his parents bad or worse parents than you. You’re the adult. Try some new strategies. Get creative. Or just end the arrangement if you can’t figure out how to connect with this child. Based on the tone of your post, it doesn’t sound to me like you even want to make this work and have already written him off, which is a real shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many pearl clutchers. Former preschool teacher here. It’s entirely common and developmentally normal for preschool kids to experiment with swearing. It’s certainly not a reason for parents to judge each other or end a friendship. Kids are smart. They are learning words have power. And Not all kids respond well to an authoritative parenting style. OP you need to try some different techniques. Because I said so is not going to work for a lot of kids. Just because your child is compliant doesn’t make this other child or his parents bad or worse parents than you. You’re the adult. Try some new strategies. Get creative. Or just end the arrangement if you can’t figure out how to connect with this child. Based on the tone of your post, it doesn’t sound to me like you even want to make this work and have already written him off, which is a real shame.

I have 3 kids and I’ve swapped childcare with tons of families. I have never had a kid yell F U to me. I’ve never seen a kid that young swear ever. And yes, I’ve dealt with my share of tantrums and pushing boundaries. My youngest is 2 so it’s not like I had kids decades ago in a rural farm or something.

There is nothing developmentally normal about a preschooler swearing. And it’s definitely not something I would want my children around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many pearl clutchers. Former preschool teacher here. It’s entirely common and developmentally normal for preschool kids to experiment with swearing. It’s certainly not a reason for parents to judge each other or end a friendship. Kids are smart. They are learning words have power. And Not all kids respond well to an authoritative parenting style. OP you need to try some different techniques. Because I said so is not going to work for a lot of kids. Just because your child is compliant doesn’t make this other child or his parents bad or worse parents than you. You’re the adult. Try some new strategies. Get creative. Or just end the arrangement if you can’t figure out how to connect with this child. Based on the tone of your post, it doesn’t sound to me like you even want to make this work and have already written him off, which is a real shame.

I have 3 kids and I’ve swapped childcare with tons of families. I have never had a kid yell F U to me. I’ve never seen a kid that young swear ever. And yes, I’ve dealt with my share of tantrums and pushing boundaries. My youngest is 2 so it’s not like I had kids decades ago in a rural farm or something.

There is nothing developmentally normal about a preschooler swearing. And it’s definitely not something I would want my children around.

It’s developmentally normal. Your experience as a parent isn’t the same as my degrees and professional experience in early childhood development, sorry. I’m not going to get into an argument about this but you are wrong. Also, culture plays a role. If you are from a conservative culture that does not swear it’s likely you would not have experienced this. But many families and cultures do swear.