How to discourage young teen from sexting

[Anonymous]

Caught DD sending half nudes a few months ago to her boyfriend, lost it but then calmly explained the consequences, the dumb kids had no idea they could go to prison for this, I got their phones wiped out, made them take a break from each other. confiscated phone for a while explained dangers and pitfalls of early dating, etc, etc. And then months later they are talking again, no more pictures, but omg such provocative messages. This will be round 2 of confiscating, deleting, grounding, etc.
And she seems to be understanding it better this time, but I feel like I'm failing somewhere. I'm so heartbroken.

Any advice on what I'm doing wrong?

[Anonymous]

Oh wow, I am so sorry. I have been clear with my daughter that with the fickle nature of teenagers, if you are to send a nude to one guy, understand you are sending it to the entire world. Because he will show others, either now or later when you break up. My daughter has seen people do this so she knows for sure it happens and is not naive.

I would completely confiscate the phone for a long amount of time, like a month. Big consequence because she needs to understand thats not why she has a phone.

You are not failing. As parents, we are up against so much with sex and the internet.

[Anonymous]

What do the boy's parents say? I think it would be helpful if there was a united front.

Beyond that, I would have to agree with the PP - you aren't failing and no phone/grounding is probably the most you can do as far as punishment. How young are we talking? Does your daughter need to be on birth control?

I would probably also get on the internet and do some research for reading you can do on this. Peggy Ornstein has written on teens and sex, and I believe has updated her books for the digital age.

[Anonymous]

How old is she?

[Anonymous]

She could become a social media influencer. Sex sells.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you make clear that those messages and photos could end up all over school, or all over the internet, etc. They aren't private. And if she can't use a phone responsibly, she can't have a phone. She loses it for a longer period of time.

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends on how young we are talking. I would take the phone away for awhile, an explain that she has clearly shown that she is too young and immature to handle the responsibility without potentially damaging consequences to herself or others, that I then as a adult would be expected to handle.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Looks like you’re doing everything right. There is only so much you can do to stop kids from doing dumb stuff.

If it makes you feel better, it’s very common.

As far as sex stuff generally goes, I highly recommend the sex chapter in a book called untangled: guiding adolescent girls through the seven stages into adulthood. It made me much more calm about everything.

[Anonymous]

I'm s sorry to har how heartbroken you are. I started the intervention when our DD was in 5th grade having talks about self esteem, how nothing on the internet EVER goes away, self respect, relationships, morals, etc. I was able to get to her early enough that she has been able to withstand the on-slaught of guys asking for nudes. To be fair, some girls she knows send them unsolicited.

The more you try and separate them though, the more she will want to be with him. Romeo and Juliet syndrome. It is very common (teens and setting happening in MS) but it is still sad and a crime. I would indeed, get the boyfriend's parents involved. Not sure how much help it will be, but it is worth a shot.

Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

You should probably be discussing birth control as well. You will get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you make clear that those messages and photos could end up all over school, or all over the internet, etc. They aren't private. And if she can't use a phone responsibly, she can't have a phone. She loses it for a longer period of time.

I was told by my children that Boys collect these photos like baseball cards and put them in an eyes only page and can grant access to anyone. If a girl or guys has sent them, 100% they are already within the hands of other classmates. The girls at my daughter's MS would ask the boys to be send them the pics f other girls and they keep them to have "something" on the other girls. It is really sad.

Only once did it make its way to the admin. The girl showing the pictures of another girl got caught. The police were called, her phone was taken and I heard she had to go to court. Who knows if this is true but if only half of what I have heard is true, it's really tragic.

[Anonymous]

OP I just discovered that my DD was sexting with a guy she had just met (so she says- it might be someone from her work). I was also devastated, did all the same things you did. HOWEVER, I don't think I really got through to her why NOT to do this! She thinks she's all empowered and in touch with her sexuality and does not see the danger. She has a friend who is on Tinder! She's 17 and otherwise a great kid. I do not get it and it's heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

why on earth does she still have a phone???

[Anonymous]

This just delays the problem. It's not a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you make clear that those messages and photos could end up all over school, or all over the internet, etc. They aren't private. And if she can't use a phone responsibly, she can't have a phone. She loses it for a longer period of time.

I was told by my children that Boys collect these photos like baseball cards and put them in an eyes only page and can grant access to anyone. If a girl or guys has sent them, 100% they are already within the hands of other classmates. The girls at my daughter's MS would ask the boys to be send them the pics f other girls and they keep them to have "something" on the other girls. It is really sad.

Only once did it make its way to the admin. The girl showing the pictures of another girl got caught. The police were called, her phone was taken and I heard she had to go to court. Who knows if this is true but if only half of what I have heard is true, it's really tragic.

There is this trend going around on Instagram where girls and women are saying “hey if he leaks your nudes and we have the same body shape, say they’re mine!” It’s disturbing, and yet wholesome.

Anyway, at least people need to avoid putting their face in the photo.