How to discourage young teen from sexting
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Anonymous
No one behind a screen can make or force a person to do anything. |
Anonymous
| I know plenty of girls (from our DD's friends) who have neither been abused or ill treated. DD the majority of these girls send these photos because they are insecure and because they are looking for external validation. I began speaking with my DD about this issue in 5th grade. Girls with high self esteem and morals do not engage in this behavior. |
Anonymous
How do you know they haven't been abused or ill treated? Serious question. It's common for abuse survivors to feel shame about events and bury it very, very deep. |
Anonymous
Agreed regarding the abuse. That is why I listed other reasons, as well. But as another PP mentioned, you don't always know what is happening in everyone's home. |
Anonymous
I never said they could. That's why I mentioned peer pressure. Would it make you feel better if instead of saying, "even when they don't really want to," I said, "even when they feel uncomfortable doing so?" Again, we're talking about young teenagers in this post, not adults. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like an excuse to me. |
Anonymous
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True story. 2nd day of HS, I found such a picture on DD's phone, in the morning, as I was handing her the phone before school (they get taken away at night). It was not her, but that's irrelevant. Scrolled back through some deleted items, found that for about 2 weeks before school started, boys had started to target her (and many others) with requests for nudes and with nudes of their owns (private parts). A number of kids, I had no idea who they were -- just random user names. She took screenshots to come forward with them, then deleted them instead.
First move, phone stayed home and dad went to talk to the principal. He was assured that the school will look into it and the boy (at the time we thought it was only one) would be disciplined. Instead, DD was pulled out of her class and given a lecture. By a male assistant principal, alone with her in a conference room. DD came home in tears, having spent the rest of the time in a bathroom. She walked home to avoid the bus. It's a 3 mile walk through through traffic, crossing a freeway and several busy streets. We sat down to understand what was happening. Apparently, various sports teams had practice before school started and kids started connecting. Older boys introduced the younger boys to the miracle of asking for nudes and the new boys turned to their old friends and started acting weird. Girls like mine, who had a vast network of friends of both sexes, were targeted, because they could introduce them to more of their friends. Once camaraderie was established and the network extended, the nude requests started to flow in. Conversation turned to a pit. We discussed this with the school. By now, DD was deeply in trouble for skipping class. School insisted on bringing her into every discussion we had. Then, they would just spend the time harping on how bad it was to skip classes, avoiding the difficult subjects we came to discuss. We pointed out that she was being asked to sit by her tormentors. They proposed to move her into these small classes designed for kids with severe enough disabilities that preclude them from accessing the full curriculum. We got stuck in an argument about academics. DD has no intellectual disability, but she does have a diagnosed depression and anxiety. So why could we not get past this trouble and see some effects? Because DD consistently refused to disclose who the boys were, and the school refused to take action without a who-when-what story with supporting evidence such as DD's phone inspection. From her point of view, regardless of what we were saying, she saw that *everyone* was doing it, and the school was ok with it. Mind you, this was happening while everyone was connected through the FCPS wireless network -- there is no cell coverage at school. So her main concern was that the first kid to come forward with this would be punished and made an example of. I honestly have to say that seeing how the school had treated DD, I agreed that it was not a safe step to take. Eventually summer came, everyone went on vacation, DD managed to pass her classes (now we were celebrating a pass...) and this year spirits had somewhat calmed down. Academically, she has continued to refuse certain classes, and we have had to figure out some mitigation. For us, in a way, virtual school has been a blessing. I have a much tighter control over our family network than the school has over theirs. And yes, the kids are older and perhaps less crazy about the fad. However, when Distance Learning started in FCPS with the open anonymous access to virtual classes (!) and the district was surprised to see the awful discourse in the chatrooms, DD looked at me and said simply that this is what comes her way on a daily basis when she steps into school. She now has filters and offenders are blocked, but schools should not be surprised. This is why all of our kids cannot speak in their virtual classes. If you thought this was a problem for us only, you're wrong. At this point, having seen the effect this mob behavior had on our child, we are moving with her education in a different direction. I am writing this, however, to encourage everyone to not assume their kid is the single one doing it, not to assume it is an isolated incident. This was not about puppy love. it was about uncontrolled sexual harassment by some kids who simply did not know better, had no direction, nor understanding of what the school will tolerate, and who were probably just as disoriented as my child. Some kids recover better than others. Mine did not, despite a battery of interventions at home, and I fault her further harassment by the faculty for that. Until there is a meaningful way that parents can step in as a group to force a resolution from schools, this will continue to be a rite of passage -- and an awful way to be initiated in HS. However, for parents to work together they have to understand the nature of these nude exchanges, and how overwhelming, systemic and pervasive it is. If your kid was doing it, they are not alone. If your kid was not, then maybe they did not exactly share. PTAs have to do more than just fundraise for sports. If I was to do it again, I would have started a parents discussion group to better be able to shine a light on this. The problem is, you don't know the scope in the beginning, then you're trying to attend to your kid, then -- like us - you're gone. And others have to take the brunt next year. I realize there will be trolls and offended parents and maybe an administrator lurking here, reacting to my post. To be clear, while this all started in boys sports teams, I fault the adults rather than the kids. I'm not looking to bring any kid, boy or girl through the justice system. But they need guidance. That said, I do not plan to bring further clarifications of the situation, nor respond to further threads this may generate. If this rings true, use it. If not skip it. |
Anonymous
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PP
Thank you for coming out with this Really helps put things into perspective |
Anonymous
| Don't send the pictures and there are no problems. I don't see what is so hard about this. At the end f the day, if your kid is doing this, they are trying to fit in. End of story. Be better. |
Anonymous
| Parents need to do better as well. Teaching our children not to ask and not to send. |
Anonymous
First I think OP is doing many things right. I agree with PP above. The most important thing here is your relationship with your daughter. You need to be her parent but someone she trusts and can open up to. Being only the heavy and taking away the phone will not resolve the longer-term dynamic here. I think therapy with DD is a good idea. Second, the OP's messaging is good. If there is an aunt, an older cousin, a family friend, I would enlist them to also share the message that things that start on a phone can stay on the internet. Forever. In other words, see if there are other people who can reinforce this message. Finally, a lot of kids are sexting. Why? Peer pressure. Extension of "selfie" culture. Wanting to be liked. Uncomfortable saying no. Talk to DD about what she might say if someone asks her for a pic. Talk to DD about what it means if they are mean to her if she doesn't. Talk to DD about some of the comebacks ("hey, you sent one to Joe, why won't you do it again") so she is prepared. Simply telling her not to do something isnt enough education or amunition to help her actually navigate the situation. |
Anonymous
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I went through this at her age, it will be hard but take the phone and the laptop if it has a webcam. Heck I’d even take a sharpie and draw on the viewport, I’m so serious.
She isn’t responsible enough to have a phone right now. But also find out why she thinks this is appropriate? Friends? Validation? Therapy is definitely necessary for her. If my friends knew at that time they would have been mortified, as everyone knows boys are stupid and you lose all control of them once you send them out. |
Anonymous
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They send because they are weak, they are insecure, they are looking for validation, they think it will make a boy like them and they will become popular, because morality is not taught it the home, because they believe (somehow) no one else will see it, and on and on.
What really ends up happening is these boys (and some girls) keep logs of these photos so it's just one right after another. It doesn't make the girl special, she is just like every other girl sending parts of herself on camera to boys. Then, the mean girl groups get a hold of them and rip the girl apart on their social media. Nothing good ever comes fro doing this. NOTHING. Not sure why this is so hard to understand. |
Anonymous
| It is really tough at that age to resist. Especially when the boy you like makes a birthday wish asking for these kinds of pictures. They are so naïve and send them. |
Anonymous
| People need to talk to their boys about this and teach them that asking is not ok. |