divorced parents of young kids - how do you split christmas?

[Anonymous]

We had some last minute drama over the custody arrangement this year, so I'm looking for some potential solutions for next year. Would love to hear from parents who have successfully navigated similar situations. The basic facts: We have one DD (5) and our divorce decree doesn't say anything about how holidays should be divided. I have primary custody; ExH gets one evening a week and every other weekend. (And before y'all come for me... this is the arrangement he wanted. He has never asked for 50/50 or more time.)

Last year he picked up DD early afternoon on Christmas Day, she stayed the night, and came home the following day. This Thanksgiving we also split the day - I dropped her off at dad's midday. We agreed that we would split Christmas as well but didn't set specific times. I assumed it would be sometime around noon based on the previous holidays. On Christmas Eve he asked that I drop her off at 9 am. I pushed back and said I would bring her at noon. 9 wouldn't give us enough time to finish opening presents and have breakfast without rushing. He was very upset and said that I was taking away from his Christmas experience, ruining his family's plans, etc. I don't think his points were completely without merit, but I feel that Christmas Eve wasn't the time to argue and change past precedent. What should we do differently next year?

[Anonymous]

Next year try to figure out what his family wants to do. Remind him to find out. If they don't plan in advance or he fails to ask them, you don't have to accommodate.

[Anonymous]

Well given your divorce agreement you could keep her except for the times he has custody. If his time falls on a custody day, he gets her. If not, you get her.

Very unusual not to handle this in the divorce agreement.

[Anonymous]

He is probably just catching on that divorce makes it harder to plan the holidays and harder to get his child time with the extended family. Men can be dense like that. Or his family is just coming around to see that divorce is permanent and will be their reality every year. Have some patience with him but you don't have to give him what he wants all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is probably just catching on that divorce makes it harder to plan the holidays and harder to get his child time with the extended family. Men can be dense like that. Or his family is just coming around to see that divorce is permanent and will be their reality every year. Have some patience with him but you don't have to give him what he wants all the time.

Just to clarify, there is no extended family in the mix. By his family I meant his wife and step-children.

[Anonymous]

He should get it given how little time he has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is probably just catching on that divorce makes it harder to plan the holidays and harder to get his child time with the extended family. Men can be dense like that. Or his family is just coming around to see that divorce is permanent and will be their reality every year. Have some patience with him but you don't have to give him what he wants all the time.

Just to clarify, there is no extended family in the mix. By his family I meant his wife and step-children.

Well then, he should have negotiated to see his child more often and to have rights to her on holidays. It doesn’t sound like he has any right to see the child on Christmas unless Christmas falls on one of his predetermined custody days. Then again, that would mean you have no right to see your kid on Christmas unless it happens to fall on one of your custody days.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, work it out well in advance.Then put it in writing.

A lot of families trade years. Or, is it possible for one of you to celebrate Christmas Eve?

Ex's family chose Christmas Eve. Ds would spend the 24th there. I dropped off before work, he was back with me around 8 - 8:30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should get it given how little time he has.

So the one who does all of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting should get no time with their kid on the holidays? This is incentivizing him to never step up.

[Anonymous]

I would take turns with each parent getting either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and switching the next year. I’d celebrate Christmas on the day I have her, even if it’s Christmas Eve that year. I would not want to do midday handoffs. Soon she’ll be old enough to have a preference and I would do whatever she wants. Don’t be tied to celebrating exactly on the day of a holiday.

[Anonymous]

Odd years, you get Christmas Eve until noon on Christmas Day. Even years he gets Christmas Eve until noon on Christmas Day.

Do the same for her birthday.

Can’t believe you did not put this in the custody agreement.

[Anonymous]

Just generally speaking I would try to get in the habit of communicating more specifically. Not putting holidays in the decree, then discussing the day but leaving the times undetermined - that type of vagueness isn’t good for resolving issues. It’s going to come up again in other contexts, so try to get in the habit now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Odd years, you get Christmas Eve until noon on Christmas Day. Even years he gets Christmas Eve until noon on Christmas Day.

Do the same for her birthday.

Can’t believe you did not put this in the custody agreement.

I definitely blame myself for not putting more detail in the agreement. (I also put some of the blame on my terrible lawyer.) We separated when DD was an infant and he was not at all interested in custody/visitation for the first 3 years. I didn't even consider some of the things that are now giving me headaches. If anyone is in the process of separating, please learn from my mistakes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is probably just catching on that divorce makes it harder to plan the holidays and harder to get his child time with the extended family. Men can be dense like that. Or his family is just coming around to see that divorce is permanent and will be their reality every year. Have some patience with him but you don't have to give him what he wants all the time.

Just to clarify, there is no extended family in the mix. By his family I meant his wife and step-children.

Well, either way, he should have thought it through and planned in advance. Why does he suddenly care, is he playing Good Father for his new wife?

I would not hold him to the official days of the agreement unless you are ok with him doing the same if Christmas falls on one of his days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should get it given how little time he has.

So the one who does all of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting should get no time with their kid on the holidays? This is incentivizing him to never step up.

I know right?

Can I be the one who never has to deal with doctors appointments, sick days and day care drop offs but gets every single Christmas, Easter and fun holiday? And some fun weekends too of course! Sounds awesome! Where do I find a guy who’s going to be the sucker who accepts that deal?