The epitome of gaslighting

[Anonymous]

Here's a new one for you. I dropped the F bomb at my husband a few weeks ago in a moment of frustration. He went OFF on me (rightfully so) about using that sort of language at him or around our 11 year old. Got it, I took my lumps, agreed with him, vowed to do better, etc. I genuinely regretted it and honestly don't make a habit out of it, and I genuinely agreed with him that it was wrong.

Last night, we're watching Nickelodeon's Top Elf, cute little crafting competition show for kids, with our daughter. He starts calling decisions "bull $h!t" and "G-d d@!#" this and that, in a joking manner, but still swearing up a storm. I, also joking and lighthearted, said "wow, can we stop swearing our way through a kids' show?"

He got so mad he stormed out and left the house! We had separate plans today and I literally hadn't seen him until not long ago, when he called my a hypocrite that I would ever correct him when I use actual swear words. I was like, huh? I said, BS and GD are actual swear words, and if we're going to hold each other accountable, which I agree with, it has to be a two-way street. He said it's common sense that BS and GD are not swear words.

This is my life....

[Anonymous]

I was ranting to my DH that I don't understand why people are not staying indoors with their families. And my DH said that in many families, the family members hate each other and are abusive. It is hard for them to stay indoors, or wear masks. They are so freaking unhappy that they rather get COVID.

Do you think you will be happier if your DH just died?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was ranting to my DH that I don't understand why people are not staying indoors with their families. And my DH said that in many families, the family members hate each other and are abusive. It is hard for them to stay indoors, or wear masks. They are so freaking unhappy that they rather get COVID.

Do you think you will be happier if your DH just died?

Um, what?

[Anonymous]

That's not really gaslighting. Watch the original movie. Then you'll see what gaslighting is.

He's just being a jerk and he's the hypocrite. He's deciding the definitions so he gets to be in control, making the rules so they suit him.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's gaslighting really (that term is way overused). But it sounds like you do okay with responding to criticism from your spouse and he struggles with it. That's a problem, since that's something that has to go both ways in a relationship, as you realize.

Something that has helped me is to pay attention to exactly how my DH is responding to criticism and then, at a time when we are not discussing another issue, raise it with him. To be specific, one thing my husband does a lot if I issue a complaint about his behavior is that he will turn it around instantly and attack me for criticizing in the first place. Example:

Me: Honey, it's really frustrating to me when you go to bed without saying goodnight -- it makes me feel invisible and like we aren't very connected as a couple.
Him: It's so unfair for you to criticize me for this. You are always criticizing. Let's talk about the problem of your criticism.

It's frustrating because it's such an efficient deflection. When he does this, he can make any conversation that was supposed to be about his behavior into one about mine. Or at a minimum, he will make it a contest about which is worse -- his behavior or the WAY I criticized his behavior. It's exhausting.

But by paying attention to this pattern until I could discern what was happening, I have been able to raise it with him and explain how it turns what could be productive conversations into fights. He's a reasonable person, if resistant to criticism, so once I pointed it out, he started seeing it, too. And now when he does it, I can take a step back and say, "You're doing that deflection thing again, maybe we should come back to this later" and he'll see it and realize he has to stop.

So for me it's about staying calm enough to describe what's happening (with as little judgment as possible) and explain how it's making it hard for us to move forward. It's not perfect, but it has helped improve our communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a new one for you. I dropped the F bomb at my husband a few weeks ago in a moment of frustration. He went OFF on me (rightfully so) about using that sort of language at him or around our 11 year old. Got it, I took my lumps, agreed with him, vowed to do better, etc. I genuinely regretted it and honestly don't make a habit out of it, and I genuinely agreed with him that it was wrong.

Last night, we're watching Nickelodeon's Top Elf, cute little crafting competition show for kids, with our daughter. He starts calling decisions "bull $h!t" and "G-d d@!#" this and that, in a joking manner, but still swearing up a storm. I, also joking and lighthearted, said "wow, can we stop swearing our way through a kids' show?"

He got so mad he stormed out and left the house! We had separate plans today and I literally hadn't seen him until not long ago, when he called my a hypocrite that I would ever correct him when I use actual swear words. I was like, huh? I said, BS and GD are actual swear words, and if we're going to hold each other accountable, which I agree with, it has to be a two-way street. He said it's common sense that BS and GD are not swear words.

This is my life....

Blowing up at little things and storming out like that can mean there is somebody on the side. They get triggered easily and have reactions that don't match the 'offense' when they are keeping secrets like that. It was the biggest tip off for me.

[Anonymous]

I do with people would watch the movie. It IS a way overused term. The move is fantastic.

[Anonymous]

how did the 11 year old feel when he stormed out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's a new one for you. I dropped the F bomb at my husband a few weeks ago in a moment of frustration. He went OFF on me (rightfully so) about using that sort of language at him or around our 11 year old. Got it, I took my lumps, agreed with him, vowed to do better, etc. I genuinely regretted it and honestly don't make a habit out of it, and I genuinely agreed with him that it was wrong.

Last night, we're watching Nickelodeon's Top Elf, cute little crafting competition show for kids, with our daughter. He starts calling decisions "bull $h!t" and "G-d d@!#" this and that, in a joking manner, but still swearing up a storm. I, also joking and lighthearted, said "wow, can we stop swearing our way through a kids' show?"

He got so mad he stormed out and left the house! We had separate plans today and I literally hadn't seen him until not long ago, when he called my a hypocrite that I would ever correct him when I use actual swear words. I was like, huh? I said, BS and GD are actual swear words, and if we're going to hold each other accountable, which I agree with, it has to be a two-way street. He said it's common sense that BS and GD are not swear words.

This is my life....

Blowing up at little things and storming out like that can mean there is somebody on the side. They get triggered easily and have reactions that don't match the 'offense' when they are keeping secrets like that. It was the biggest tip off for me.

This could be true. It's can be an early sign. They are just bothered by little things because they'd rather be with the other person and so you seem like nothing but an obstacle and pest. Of course it's not always the case, but thinking back, this was indeed the case for me. It was really irrational stuff that ticked him off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do with people would watch the movie. It IS a way overused term. The move is fantastic.

I have seen the movie and believe this is gaslighting. Trying to get someone to believe something that is objectively true actually isn't on some whim, and that it's actually "common sense", I think is gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do with people would watch the movie. It IS a way overused term. The move is fantastic.

I have seen the movie and believe this is gaslighting. Trying to get someone to believe something that is objectively true actually isn't on some whim, and that it's actually "common sense", I think is gaslighting.

Gaslighting is more than just asserting a false thing is true. It's undermining a person's sense of reality. In this case the DH is expressing a [wrong, self-serving] opinion about which words are curse words and which aren't. He's incorrect and his logic is clearly based on factors like "if I'm saying it" or "if it's said in angry versus as a joke". But he is just expressing a [again, wrong] opinion.

Gaslighting is when someone tries to convince you that what you are seeing or experiencing is something else, or tries to convince you that your memory is wrong. An important component of gaslighting is making the subject distrust their own perception of reality, or doubt their memory. It's destabilizing not because it creates conflict but because it causes people to stop asserting themselves. A person who has been successfully gaslit won't be sure if they even have anything to complain about. They will not trust their own opinions anymore.

So no, this is not gaslighting. Still bad, though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's gaslighting really (that term is way overused). But it sounds like you do okay with responding to criticism from your spouse and he struggles with it. That's a problem, since that's something that has to go both ways in a relationship, as you realize.

Something that has helped me is to pay attention to exactly how my DH is responding to criticism and then, at a time when we are not discussing another issue, raise it with him. To be specific, one thing my husband does a lot if I issue a complaint about his behavior is that he will turn it around instantly and attack me for criticizing in the first place. Example:

Me: Honey, it's really frustrating to me when you go to bed without saying goodnight -- it makes me feel invisible and like we aren't very connected as a couple.
Him: It's so unfair for you to criticize me for this. You are always criticizing. Let's talk about the problem of your criticism.

It's frustrating because it's such an efficient deflection. When he does this, he can make any conversation that was supposed to be about his behavior into one about mine. Or at a minimum, he will make it a contest about which is worse -- his behavior or the WAY I criticized his behavior. It's exhausting.

But by paying attention to this pattern until I could discern what was happening, I have been able to raise it with him and explain how it turns what could be productive conversations into fights. He's a reasonable person, if resistant to criticism, so once I pointed it out, he started seeing it, too. And now when he does it, I can take a step back and say, "You're doing that deflection thing again, maybe we should come back to this later" and he'll see it and realize he has to stop.

So for me it's about staying calm enough to describe what's happening (with as little judgment as possible) and explain how it's making it hard for us to move forward. It's not perfect, but it has helped improve our communication.

This is golden. It is the exact issue that makes me crazy with my wife. I want to send you a thank you bottle of wine, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do with people would watch the movie. It IS a way overused term. The move is fantastic.

I have seen the movie and believe this is gaslighting. Trying to get someone to believe something that is objectively true actually isn't on some whim, and that it's actually "common sense", I think is gaslighting.

Maybe you saw it too long ago. The OP isn't questioning her reality. She is questioning why her husband has double standards and is blowing up at her for essentially what he is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do with people would watch the movie. It IS a way overused term. The move is fantastic.

I have seen the movie and believe this is gaslighting. Trying to get someone to believe something that is objectively true actually isn't on some whim, and that it's actually "common sense", I think is gaslighting.

Maybe you saw it too long ago. The OP isn't questioning her reality. She is questioning why her husband has double standards and is blowing up at her for essentially what he is doing.

I'm the OP. Huh. Got it. Used the wrong term! I really thought of this as gaslighting and stand corrected!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do with people would watch the movie. It IS a way overused term. The move is fantastic.

I have seen the movie and believe this is gaslighting. Trying to get someone to believe something that is objectively true actually isn't on some whim, and that it's actually "common sense", I think is gaslighting.

Maybe you saw it too long ago. The OP isn't questioning her reality. She is questioning why her husband has double standards and is blowing up at her for essentially what he is doing.

I'm the OP. Huh. Got it. Used the wrong term! I really thought of this as gaslighting and stand corrected!

The term doesn't matter. He's still a jerk