Reply to The epitome of gaslighting

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't think it's gaslighting really (that term is way overused). But it sounds like you do okay with responding to criticism from your spouse and he struggles with it. That's a problem, since that's something that has to go both ways in a relationship, as you realize.

Something that has helped me is to pay attention to exactly how my DH is responding to criticism and then, at a time when we are not discussing another issue, raise it with him. To be specific, one thing my husband does a lot if I issue a complaint about his behavior is that he will turn it around instantly and attack me for criticizing in the first place. Example:

Me: Honey, it's really frustrating to me when you go to bed without saying goodnight -- it makes me feel invisible and like we aren't very connected as a couple.
Him: It's so unfair for you to criticize me for this. You are always criticizing. Let's talk about the problem of your criticism.

It's frustrating because it's such an efficient deflection. When he does this, he can make any conversation that was supposed to be about his behavior into one about mine. Or at a minimum, he will make it a contest about which is worse -- his behavior or the WAY I criticized his behavior. It's exhausting.

But by paying attention to this pattern until I could discern what was happening, I have been able to raise it with him and explain how it turns what could be productive conversations into fights. He's a reasonable person, if resistant to criticism, so once I pointed it out, he started seeing it, too.[b] And now when he does it, I can take a step back and say, "You're doing that deflection thing again, maybe we should come back to this later" and he'll see it and realize he has to stop.[/b]

So for me it's about staying calm enough to describe what's happening (with as little judgment as possible) and explain how it's making it hard for us to move forward. It's not perfect, but it has helped improve our communication. [/quote]

This is golden. It is the exact issue that makes me crazy with my wife. I want to send you a thank you bottle of wine, PP. [/quote]

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