Issues with both mothers: is it us?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have had problems with both of our mothers for a while. They both mostly stem from deep issues (in a real nutshell pointing to the main inflection points, MIL kept DH in a home with a father who abused him and she now denies in DH’s adulthood that the events occurred; my mother made my dad’s life a living hell in the months leading up to his death from cancer and refused to let him choose his course of treatment and frequently scolded and lashed out at him while he was very very sick, which broke my heart into a million pieces). Anyway, we’ve both had tons of therapy and generally keep an arms-length relationship with these women out of pure guilt and pressure. This year, though, every time DH speaks with MIL, she goes politics-crazy on him and says wild things that really upset my husband (she is a Trumper, FYI), and now when I talk to my mom, she refutes every single point that I made about covid because she thinks it’s a hoax (she is not a Trumper, FYI). Neither of us can stand the obligatory 1x/week contact with either of our mothers anymore because they are really impacting our mental health negatively. We just really dislike the people that our mothers are.

I’m wondering, since we are both going through versions of the same pretty specific thing (deep-seated issues to start, compounded by extreme conflict over recent events), is it us? Are we the problem? Are these the types of normal things that families go through and come out the other end and maybe we have a lack of tolerance that is creating conflict? Thanks for any input.

[Anonymous]

No I don’t think it’s you. Both cases seem pretty extreme. My mom and my ILs aren’t that difficult to handle. Maybe you should make it a 1/month call instead? It doesn’t seem that they have your best interest in mind.

[Anonymous]

It's not you, it's them. Your situations are unfortunate, but hopefully the silver lining is that you can support each other and empathize with each other.

[Anonymous]

Not you. You very likely bonded, possibly unknowingly, over a shared background of difficult parents. It happens. My dh has a really difficult mother. My mother was wonderful, but died when I was a teenager. I think somehow my mother’s absence and his mother’s challenges led us to have some common ground in our experience with our families.

[Anonymous]

Similar here w diff dynamic.

[Anonymous]

In this situation, I'd cut both out completely

[Anonymous]

It sounds like it’s them. Don’t feel like weekly contact is a must. Scale back to monthly or as needed.

[Anonymous]

Your first few sentences pointed out that it is you, but your MIL is a Trumper. Your mom thinks covid is a hoax.
So, they are insane, clearly.
I have no idea what abuse your DH suffered, so I can't comment on that. About you saying your mom was mean to your dad, was this because she wanted him to get better or because she gave up and didn't want him to get treatment? I wonder if your love and your loss are clouding your ability to understand that your mom is human, that perhaps she was also suffering and devastated by your dad's illness and death, and that she might regret some of the outbursts herself?
She acted human, but were you unrealistic about how hard that was on her?
Of course, maybe she told him to die already or something horrific, so what do I know? Your mom is a covid denier, so it might be totally without her insane mind set to think your dad was a faker too.

[Anonymous]

You need to cut them off. I’m sorry about your father, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your first few sentences pointed out that it is you, but your MIL is a Trumper. Your mom thinks covid is a hoax.
So, they are insane, clearly.
I have no idea what abuse your DH suffered, so I can't comment on that. About you saying your mom was mean to your dad, was this because she wanted him to get better or because she gave up and didn't want him to get treatment? I wonder if your love and your loss are clouding your ability to understand that your mom is human, that perhaps she was also suffering and devastated by your dad's illness and death, and that she might regret some of the outbursts herself?
She acted human, but were you unrealistic about how hard that was on her?
Of course, maybe she told him to die already or something horrific, so what do I know? Your mom is a covid denier, so it might be totally without her insane mind set to think your dad was a faker too.

I’d like to provide more information because I appreciate your perspective. My mom wanted to take the “ostrich” approach to my dad’s cancer because she couldn’t cope. Therefore, I went with him to all of his chemo and radiation appointments, and he confided his true feelings about his cancer and treatment in me since he was concerned about how my mom would react. We would both get backlash often from my mom for decisions made during this time. For example, one day his doctor told him that a biopsy would give more information about the seriousness of his cancer (this was well into his disease, BTW) and I asked my dad what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to get the biopsy. He had it done (I always went along with whatever he wanted) and when he went home and told my mom, she screamed at him to the point of making him cry (which I had never seen before) and then called me over and screamed at me too because she didn’t want to know how advanced his illness was. There are plenty of other examples of this behavior, one of which even gives my husband such bad flashbacks that he refuses to discuss it. I truly understand that she was losing her spouse and I’ve tried very hard to work through this in therapy, but watching her berate my dad for making his own medical decisions has really done a number on me. Maybe my mom and I are both at fault in some respects. Tough stuff.

For those who have mentioned it, my husband and I (maybe against all odds) have a wonderful marriage. We are best friends and a great support system for one another. I’m thankful everyday for our bond. Thanks all for your kind words on that front.

[Anonymous]

If that was my situation, I would have a few glasses of wine and both dh and I would call at the same time. Hold the phones away from each other and cheers in between.

Neither of your moms are normal. Do you have siblings?

[Anonymous]

No, it's not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your first few sentences pointed out that it is you, but your MIL is a Trumper. Your mom thinks covid is a hoax.
So, they are insane, clearly.
I have no idea what abuse your DH suffered, so I can't comment on that. About you saying your mom was mean to your dad, was this because she wanted him to get better or because she gave up and didn't want him to get treatment? I wonder if your love and your loss are clouding your ability to understand that your mom is human, that perhaps she was also suffering and devastated by your dad's illness and death, and that she might regret some of the outbursts herself?
She acted human, but were you unrealistic about how hard that was on her?
Of course, maybe she told him to die already or something horrific, so what do I know? Your mom is a covid denier, so it might be totally without her insane mind set to think your dad was a faker too.

I’d like to provide more information because I appreciate your perspective. My mom wanted to take the “ostrich” approach to my dad’s cancer because she couldn’t cope. Therefore, I went with him to all of his chemo and radiation appointments, and he confided his true feelings about his cancer and treatment in me since he was concerned about how my mom would react. We would both get backlash often from my mom for decisions made during this time. For example, one day his doctor told him that a biopsy would give more information about the seriousness of his cancer (this was well into his disease, BTW) and I asked my dad what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to get the biopsy. He had it done (I always went along with whatever he wanted) and when he went home and told my mom, she screamed at him to the point of making him cry (which I had never seen before) and then called me over and screamed at me too because she didn’t want to know how advanced his illness was. There are plenty of other examples of this behavior, one of which even gives my husband such bad flashbacks that he refuses to discuss it. I truly understand that she was losing her spouse and I’ve tried very hard to work through this in therapy, but watching her berate my dad for making his own medical decisions has really done a number on me. Maybe my mom and I are both at fault in some respects. Tough stuff.

For those who have mentioned it, my husband and I (maybe against all odds) have a wonderful marriage. We are best friends and a great support system for one another. I’m thankful everyday for our bond. Thanks all for your kind words on that front.

Thank you for writing more about it. It seems that your mom was devastated but at the same time she acted very selfish and inconsiderate. She reminds me of a family friend who was devastated that her husband had cancer and died of it because he was supposed to take care of her. Until that point, she was the one with health issues and he was her caregiver.
I think berating a person dying of cancer regardless of how devasted you are is just not acceptable. But, even she did not yell and scream at her husband.
I am sorry to say this, op, but I get the impression that your mom is an extremely selfish and self-centered person. Perhaps she is not normally like that and this was an exception, but I am envisioning her hating your kids because they might interfere with her emotional needs and wants. So, based on everything, it is not you and your DH. Do be careful that you do not end up in a mind set of victims and to focus on positives.

[Anonymous]

Yikes! It's not you. You both got the shit end of the parent stick.

I would limit calls. Maybe try texting instead - once a week - easier to change the subject and not respond to inflammatory topics. This is a good one for Carolyn Hax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to cut them off. I’m sorry about your father, OP.

I agree with this. My father was incredibly toxic & emotionally abusive and caused me a lot of stress. I finally cut him out of my life - it was very hard but I am so much better off mentally. I realized that I don't have to allow ANYONE to treat me that way, and neither do you or your husband, OP. Get some therapy to help navigate the situation and determine healthy boundaries, whatever those may be. Good luck.