Issues with both mothers: is it us?

[Anonymous]

It's not you, but it might not be a coincidence that you found each other. Majorly crazy mom is something you have in common!

[Anonymous]

OP, just forget you have a mother. Same for your DH.

The important thing is to teach your children (if/when you have them) that it is not OK to tolerate ANYONE in their life who is not kind to them. This includes their own parents.

[Anonymous]

Your mother was devastated about losing your father and did not have anywhere near healthy ways to express or process her feelings. That being said, having compassion for your mother's situation and feeling some duty as a daughter does not mean accepting abuse. It is difficult to change patterns, and I am not talking about your mother I'm talking about you. OP, for the sake of your own life you need to find a way to remove yourself from the storm. Decide what works for you, not your mother. Is cutting her out completely beyond where you are, then cut back to every other week. Limit the phone call length. I went to email because hearing my mother's voice and victimhood every call was more than I wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have had problems with both of our mothers for a while. They both mostly stem from deep issues (in a real nutshell pointing to the main inflection points, MIL kept DH in a home with a father who abused him and she now denies in DH’s adulthood that the events occurred; my mother made my dad’s life a living hell in the months leading up to his death from cancer and refused to let him choose his course of treatment and frequently scolded and lashed out at him while he was very very sick, which broke my heart into a million pieces). Anyway, we’ve both had tons of therapy and generally keep an arms-length relationship with these women out of pure guilt and pressure. This year, though, every time DH speaks with MIL, she goes politics-crazy on him and says wild things that really upset my husband (she is a Trumper, FYI), and now when I talk to my mom, she refutes every single point that I made about covid because she thinks it’s a hoax (she is not a Trumper, FYI). Neither of us can stand the obligatory 1x/week contact with either of our mothers anymore because they are really impacting our mental health negatively. We just really dislike the people that our mothers are.

I’m wondering, since we are both going through versions of the same pretty specific thing (deep-seated issues to start, compounded by extreme conflict over recent events), is it us? Are we the problem? Are these the types of normal things that families go through and come out the other end and maybe we have a lack of tolerance that is creating conflict? Thanks for any input.

Is it you? I'm flabbergasted. What on earth do you mean? Don't normalize abuse. Be honest about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just forget you have a mother. Same for your DH.

The important thing is to teach your children (if/when you have them) that it is not OK to tolerate ANYONE in their life who is not kind to them. This includes their own parents.

+1 No need for parents in your life at all if they are abusive in any way. Glad society has learned this sad lesson at last.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are the same. I think in some ways our dysfunctional backgrounds enable us to understand each other better. Can you imagine how hard it would be if your DH had one of those nice moms and then kept thinking all moms are like that and then encouraging you endlessly to work on things with her? It would be awful.

We have zero contact with my mother whatsoever. DH texts or emails with his mom every year or two. They’ve never met our children.

[Anonymous]

Dial it down to once a month. Don't talk politics (I know that's hard) or Covid (I know that's hard) with the mothers.

FWIW, when my dad had open heart surgery my mother went a bit crazy and then denied it for over a year and until my brother backed me up to her. So I have a BIT of sympathy for what your mom did when your dad was dying. But she shouldn't be an idiot about Covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just forget you have a mother. Same for your DH.

The important thing is to teach your children (if/when you have them) that it is not OK to tolerate ANYONE in their life who is not kind to them. This includes their own parents.

+1 No need for parents in your life at all if they are abusive in any way. Glad society has learned this sad lesson at last.

+2

[Anonymous]

I am no contact with my mother because it is what is best for me. I'm at this point in my life that if you caused me more distress than peace I'm done with you. My mom has been a nightmare since the day I was born.