Reply to Issues with both mothers: is it us?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your first few sentences pointed out that it is you, but your MIL is a Trumper. Your mom thinks covid is a hoax.
So, they are insane, clearly.
I have no idea what abuse your DH suffered, so I can't comment on that. About you saying your mom was mean to your dad, was this because she wanted him to get better or because she gave up and didn't want him to get treatment? I wonder if your love and your loss are clouding your ability to understand that your mom is human, that perhaps she was also suffering and devastated by your dad's illness and death, and that she might regret some of the outbursts herself?
She acted human, but were you unrealistic about how hard that was on her?
Of course, maybe she told him to die already or something horrific, so what do I know? Your mom is a covid denier, so it might be totally without her insane mind set to think your dad was a faker too.
[/quote]

I’d like to provide more information because I appreciate your perspective. My mom wanted to take the “ostrich” approach to my dad’s cancer because she couldn’t cope. Therefore, I went with him to all of his chemo and radiation appointments, and he confided his true feelings about his cancer and treatment in me since he was concerned about how my mom would react. We would both get backlash often from my mom for decisions made during this time. For example, one day his doctor told him that a biopsy would give more information about the seriousness of his cancer (this was well into his disease, BTW) and I asked my dad what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to get the biopsy. He had it done (I always went along with whatever he wanted) and when he went home and told my mom, she screamed at him to the point of making him cry (which I had never seen before) and then called me over and screamed at me too because she didn’t want to know how advanced his illness was. There are plenty of other examples of this behavior, one of which even gives my husband such bad flashbacks that he refuses to discuss it. I truly understand that she was losing her spouse and I’ve tried very hard to work through this in therapy, but watching her berate my dad for making his own medical decisions has really done a number on me. Maybe my mom and I are both at fault in some respects. Tough stuff.

For those who have mentioned it, my husband and I (maybe against all odds) have a wonderful marriage. We are best friends and a great support system for one another. I’m thankful everyday for our bond. Thanks all for your kind words on that front. [/quote]
Thank you for writing more about it. It seems that your mom was devastated but at the same time she acted very selfish and inconsiderate. She reminds me of a family friend who was devastated that her husband had cancer and died of it because he was supposed to take care of her. Until that point, she was the one with health issues and he was her caregiver.
I think berating a person dying of cancer regardless of how devasted you are is just not acceptable. But, even she did not yell and scream at her husband.
 I am sorry to say this, op, but I get the impression that your mom is an extremely selfish and self-centered person. Perhaps she is not normally like that and this was an exception, but I am envisioning her hating your kids because they might interfere with her emotional needs and wants. So, based on everything, it is not you and your DH. Do be careful that you do not end up in a mind set of victims and to focus on positives.[/quote]

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