Feel guilty, but not sure I should?

[Anonymous]

Okay, go easy on me - I'm in my mid/late 20s, started to make a legitimate effort with online dating at the beginning of this year (although COVID obviously paused this for a while). Looking for a committed relationship and make it clear to guys before meeting up that I'm not looking for hookups and casual dating.

In late summer/fall, I started going on a handful of dates with various guys, outdoors and socially distanced. Most were fine but for various reasons fizzled out after 1-2 dates. About six weeks ago, though, I really clicked with a great guy. Based off our dates alone, he seems into me - we've gone out ~5x (I was out of town for a couple of those weeks); we talk for hours and laugh a lot; on one of our dates, he introduced me to his best friend (and based on comments this friend made to me, he'd talked about me quite a bit to this friend); he frequently makes comments about 'we should do this' or 'we should go to dinner at XYZ place'; and has told me how much he likes hanging out, how easy I am to talk to, etc. My issue is that he doesn't take enough initiative outside of our dates. He's a horrible texter (once every day or once every other day - I'm used to guys I'm seeing/talking to texting me throughout the day) and we'll make plans for our next date and he won't mention specifics/plans until the day of, which irritates me as I'm very Type A. This, along with the lack of communication in between dates, makes me feel like he might not be as into me as he seems in person - and in light of that, I'm still chatting with/potentially making plans with other men. Part of me feels like we're not exclusive, I can do what I want - the other part feels irrationally guilty and has this sense he wouldn't be happy if he found out. I should keep dating around until he initiates the relationship conversation, right?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are entitled to find a relationship that works for you. Having said that, you sound unusually needy re: constant communication. You will need to find a unique individual.

[Anonymous]

You want him to be obsessed with you while you are still talking to other men? Um no

[Anonymous]

Is he married? Are you sure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are entitled to find a relationship that works for you. Having said that, you sound unusually needy re: constant communication. You will need to find a unique individual.

Hmm - do you think? Maybe this is normal, I thought the lack of communication indicated a lack of interest. I guess I just like to talk with my S/O throughout the day about how work is going, etc...then again, we're not in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

He is a grown up and you are still a child. I don't mean this to be just harsh, it is also true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want him to be obsessed with you while you are still talking to other men? Um no

Absolutely not (although I'd certainly like to be exclusive with him), but hoped he might like to chat a bit more than we do to get to know each other better when we can't see one another in person.

[Anonymous]

Know this is 2020 and I'm ancient. But the texting anxiety I read about in this forum is bewildering. What counts is what happens on the DATE, not some stupid typing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Know this is 2020 and I'm ancient. But the texting anxiety I read about in this forum is bewildering. What counts is what happens on the DATE, not some stupid typing.

haha - that actually makes me feel better! I have quite a bit of anxiety as well and I think this is contributing to the problem. Of course I'm not texting him constantly or asking why he's not texting me, but I do worry (probably too much!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Know this is 2020 and I'm ancient. But the texting anxiety I read about in this forum is bewildering. What counts is what happens on the DATE, not some stupid typing.

haha - that actually makes me feel better! I have quite a bit of anxiety as well and I think this is contributing to the problem. Of course I'm not texting him constantly or asking why he's not texting me, but I do worry (probably too much!)

If you are that worried about him and what he does and you all are not together, then you have no business in a relationship

[Anonymous]

Communicate your expectations and see if he makes an effort, if not, then I don’t see the point in dating him.

Learn to let go of Unnecessary guilt.

[Anonymous]

Ok, OP, let's see if I have this straight.

You like this guy, you've been out several times and all indications are that he likes you, too. But you wish he'd text more during the day. Fair -- you want what you want. Have you talked about it at all? You don't have to make a big thing of it. Maybe text him a few times between dates and then say, the next time you see him, "I'm a big texter, what's your preference? I have friends who don't really text during the day because of work... how about you?" It can be a getting to know you thing, not a "this is what you have to do" thing. And if he is super resistant, you can decide for yourself if that's a deal breaker. Maybe you just need to feel reassured that he's into you, and there are other ways for him to do that. Maybe you guys just need to agree on a way of showing interest that works for both of you. When I met my partner, we generally sent each other a message via email once a day as a check in between dates. Neither of us has the kind of job where we can be on our phones all day, so that worked for us.

And that brings me to your second issue, the question of exclusivity. Once again, this is something you have to figure out for yourself. Do you want to be exclusive? Then stop dating other guys and look for an opportunity to bring it up for him. It doesn't have to be right now -- let it be organic. But if YOUR goal is exclusivity, then you should be exclusive. It's not a contest with him (you are not adversaries). You create the relationship you want by... creating the relationship you want.

If, on the other hand, you really want to keep looking around and don't feel ready to be exclusive, don't. If that's really important to him, he should bring it up, at which point you can discuss.

Get your needs met using your choices, not trying to use your expectations. The former always works, the latter never does.

[Anonymous]

Your wanting someone to text you throughout the day is immature and annoying. How will he have anything to say to you on a date if he tells you everything the second it happens via text?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP, let's see if I have this straight.

You like this guy, you've been out several times and all indications are that he likes you, too. But you wish he'd text more during the day. Fair -- you want what you want. Have you talked about it at all? You don't have to make a big thing of it. Maybe text him a few times between dates and then say, the next time you see him, "I'm a big texter, what's your preference? I have friends who don't really text during the day because of work... how about you?" It can be a getting to know you thing, not a "this is what you have to do" thing. And if he is super resistant, you can decide for yourself if that's a deal breaker. Maybe you just need to feel reassured that he's into you, and there are other ways for him to do that. Maybe you guys just need to agree on a way of showing interest that works for both of you. When I met my partner, we generally sent each other a message via email once a day as a check in between dates. Neither of us has the kind of job where we can be on our phones all day, so that worked for us.

And that brings me to your second issue, the question of exclusivity. Once again, this is something you have to figure out for yourself. Do you want to be exclusive? Then stop dating other guys and look for an opportunity to bring it up for him. It doesn't have to be right now -- let it be organic. But if YOUR goal is exclusivity, then you should be exclusive. It's not a contest with him (you are not adversaries). You create the relationship you want by... creating the relationship you want.

If, on the other hand, you really want to keep looking around and don't feel ready to be exclusive, don't. If that's really important to him, he should bring it up, at which point you can discuss.

Get your needs met using your choices, not trying to use your expectations. The former always works, the latter never does.

Thanks - this is helpful. Maybe I'm making unfair assumptions since his communication style appears to be different than mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP, let's see if I have this straight.

You like this guy, you've been out several times and all indications are that he likes you, too. But you wish he'd text more during the day. Fair -- you want what you want. Have you talked about it at all? You don't have to make a big thing of it. Maybe text him a few times between dates and then say, the next time you see him, "I'm a big texter, what's your preference? I have friends who don't really text during the day because of work... how about you?" It can be a getting to know you thing, not a "this is what you have to do" thing. And if he is super resistant, you can decide for yourself if that's a deal breaker. Maybe you just need to feel reassured that he's into you, and there are other ways for him to do that. Maybe you guys just need to agree on a way of showing interest that works for both of you. When I met my partner, we generally sent each other a message via email once a day as a check in between dates. Neither of us has the kind of job where we can be on our phones all day, so that worked for us.

And that brings me to your second issue, the question of exclusivity. Once again, this is something you have to figure out for yourself. Do you want to be exclusive? Then stop dating other guys and look for an opportunity to bring it up for him. It doesn't have to be right now -- let it be organic. But if YOUR goal is exclusivity, then you should be exclusive. It's not a contest with him (you are not adversaries). You create the relationship you want by... creating the relationship you want.

If, on the other hand, you really want to keep looking around and don't feel ready to be exclusive, don't. If that's really important to him, he should bring it up, at which point you can discuss.

Get your needs met using your choices, not trying to use your expectations. The former always works, the latter never does.

Not OP, but this is awesome advice. Thank you!