Feel guilty, but not sure I should?

[Anonymous]

Without any judgement because I truly don't have any, it sounds like you have one expectation of communication and he has another. Either you accept his way, and see it as his personality trait and not a refection of how he feels for you, or you will be miserable for years to come because he won't be what you want/need.

[Anonymous]

I think it's not really about his communication, or him really. I think you like the idea of dating a lot of guys and having a lot of guys "compete" for you, and that's not really happening so you are upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are entitled to find a relationship that works for you. Having said that, you sound unusually needy re: constant communication. You will need to find a unique individual.

I agree. Drives me crazy when a friend texts me needlessly about inconsequential details that don’t really matter. Like, stop hounding me! I have a life. I can’t give you details about the colors of the pumpkins or brand of fresh pressed cider at the pumpkin patch. To me, that’s not Type A. That’s obsessiveness and rigidity about stuff that doesn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Three separate issues:

1--you think frequent texts are important, and he doesn't. I have been dating someone for 3 months, and I get 1-2 texts most, but not every, day. They are pretty inconsequential. It doesn't mean anything other than he is not a big texter.

2--you are much less spontaneous than he is. He is not a planner. Maybe you can take turns planning dates. You can plan ahead for yours, and he can be spontaneous. This shouldn't be a deal breaker.

3--He also might be seeing other people. You should not feel guilty because you are not exclusive. If that is what you want, you can bring it up. But don't assume you are on the same page until you have a talk.

Also, it sounds, in general, like you need to chill out and stop overthinking everything,

[Anonymous]

So glad I didn’t have to deal with all this. OP, I would probably obsess also- I did about phone calls after date night, but the ability to text (or not) so quick and easy just adds a whole new level of dating obsession and anxiety. Even with the ability/expectation of constant communication I would let things happen naturally and ENJOY the time you spend together. Focus on that. Finding someone you like to spend time with should make you more happy than anxious. Make sure he knows you are really into him and enjoy the excitement of it all.

[Anonymous]

The texting is no big deal. But only really committing to plans the day of would make me think he may also be seeing others and only sees you when nothing else comes up. There's no need to feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he married? Are you sure?

This. Not making plans till the last minute... have you been to his place? Does he make weekend evening dates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he married? Are you sure?

This. Not making plans till the last minute... have you been to his place? Does he make weekend evening dates?

Yes and yes - I am 99.999% sure he is not married!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he married? Are you sure?

This. Not making plans till the last minute... have you been to his place? Does he make weekend evening dates?

Yes and yes - I am 99.999% sure he is not married!

Ok good. Then just keep doing what you're doing! You're not doing anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP, let's see if I have this straight.

You like this guy, you've been out several times and all indications are that he likes you, too. But you wish he'd text more during the day. Fair -- you want what you want. Have you talked about it at all? You don't have to make a big thing of it. Maybe text him a few times between dates and then say, the next time you see him, "I'm a big texter, what's your preference? I have friends who don't really text during the day because of work... how about you?" It can be a getting to know you thing, not a "this is what you have to do" thing. And if he is super resistant, you can decide for yourself if that's a deal breaker. Maybe you just need to feel reassured that he's into you, and there are other ways for him to do that. Maybe you guys just need to agree on a way of showing interest that works for both of you. When I met my partner, we generally sent each other a message via email once a day as a check in between dates. Neither of us has the kind of job where we can be on our phones all day, so that worked for us.

And that brings me to your second issue, the question of exclusivity. Once again, this is something you have to figure out for yourself. Do you want to be exclusive? Then stop dating other guys and look for an opportunity to bring it up for him. It doesn't have to be right now -- let it be organic. But if YOUR goal is exclusivity, then you should be exclusive. It's not a contest with him (you are not adversaries). You create the relationship you want by... creating the relationship you want.

If, on the other hand, you really want to keep looking around and don't feel ready to be exclusive, don't. If that's really important to him, he should bring it up, at which point you can discuss.

Get your needs met using your choices, not trying to use your expectations. The former always works, the latter never does.

Not OP, but this is awesome advice. Thank you!

+1 million
Go with the gold on this one OP — and good luck! It sounds like things are going in the right direction. Enjoy the journey and never worry about being yourself, nor the joy of learning to love someone different than you at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he married? Are you sure?

This. Not making plans till the last minute... have you been to his place? Does he make weekend evening dates?

Yes and yes - I am 99.999% sure he is not married!

DP - FWIW, my SO is the same way. It was an adjustment but we quickly found our rhythm. Give people a chance and when you aren’t sure just ask them! Truth is fireproof.

[Anonymous]

Talk to him about it... that's it, just talk to him.
If he's on the same page as you, he'll tell you.
If he's not, he'll tell you that too.

Either way, you won't be playing this sit & wonder game where you think & think & over think every little thing (fellow neurotic type-A here, so I know).

Just rip the band-aid off and ask him -- you'll feel a lot better... trust me.

[Anonymous]

If he has a good job, texting once a day is completely normal as you are regularly going on dates together. What you don't want is a guy who texts all the time as a hobby/when he is bored but doesn't actually date you.

[Anonymous]

As long as he is asking you out several days ahead of time and reserving both the day and time, I think it's ok that he's not telling you exactly what you are doing for the date, but you can easily talk to him about it when you are together. Just be smiley and sweet when you say, "Hey, I love how you ask me out early so I can make sure it fits in my schedule, but it would also help if I knew what we were going to be doing."

You shouldn't feel bad for talking to other people as he has not brought up exclusivity so you should assume he is not being exclusive with you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you aren't exclusive with someone until you both agree to it. Don't feel guilty about dating other guys, that's what you should be doing.