If both of YOUR parents worked full-time ...

[Anonymous]

What worked? What didn't? What particular family routines and events were special to you? How did you stay connected?

My DH and I both work full-time, so this question is looking for sincere information and not intended to start the usual DCUM flame-fest.

[Anonymous]

OP, be more specific. What exactly are you asking about.

[Anonymous]

I take it to mean you are asking about OUR parents, as in, I was born in the 1970s what did my parents do...

I think some info sharing may be helpful from folks in this situation, but the fact is, many things were different back then. I think today, high quality child care is much more prevalent (as long as you are not low income that is), daycare at work is more prevalent (unheard of in the 70s and early 80s), working moms have more support since more of us are working, etc.

My MIL stayed home when her kids were young, but went back when her youngest started second grade. At that time, the two elementary school kids (my SIL and her older brother, my husband) would come home by themselves, and start dinner! Obviously unheard of nowadays. But perfectly acceptable in their sleepy small town 25 years ago.

It was a different world. That said, don't mean to ruin your thread. I'm sure some things will be relevant!

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents worked full time, my mom as an OB/GYN (9-5, 4 days a week, but lots of nights and weekends on call), and my dad as a CPA/attorney (pretty much 9-5). I must admit, this was just normal for us, I don't remember feeling like anything was done intentionally for us to "stay connected." We were a family, of course we were connected. We did eat dinner together almost every night, though sometimes mom would make dinner but then have to go to the hospital before eating. Because of my mom's schedule, Dad was mostly in charge of the weekend activities. My brother and I were both athletes, and dad was the "soccer mom" in our family. He drove the mini van to weekend long tournaments and such, but I loved that, soccer was our thing. And my mom was involved in other things, she lead my girl scout troupe for example.

Overall, my parents made this arrangement seem and feel perfectly normal. It wasn't until I was in college that I realized how amazing it was that my mom would come home a full day of seeing patients at the office, make dinner, and then go to the hospital and deliver a couple of babies overnight.

I guess overall, I would suggest not stressing, just doing what comes naturally to your family. I never felt deprived of my parents. In fact I was especially proud of my mom. My parents also got very lucky on child care, we had the same full time babysitter (Tues-Fri 9-5) from the time I was 6 weeks old until my little brother graduated high school (though she went to part time housekeeping when he was 14 or so as a babysitter was no longer needed). She certainly provided a great level of consistency.

I sense from your question you have some worry about creating memories for your kids. I suppose alot of my best memories are with one parent or the other, as parenting duties were often sort of split based on schedules, but I loved that in a way. My dad and I bonded over sports, my mom and while I sat in the kitchen doing homework while she cooked and all sorts of other things.

Of course, I'm an expecting FTM, it's easy for me to say not to worry , but I wouldn't trade my happy, satisfied, working parents for a SAHM. Especially because I grew up not even needing to be told I could be anything I wanted when I grew up, it was obvious based on her example.

[Anonymous]

21:04 here. Since 20:44 raises a generational issue, I was born in 1982 in Indianapolis.

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents always worked fulltime. My mother's career was much more important, more $$, more travel, more dinners and events. How did we stay connected? Never happened. That's why I wanted my child to have a mama. I never did. (Less stuff IS more, of what's really important.)

[Anonymous]

My experience is very similar to PP's. I was born in the mid 70s in Eastern Europe. Mom and dad both worked full time (and still do) as college professors. It never occurred to me that work arrangements could be any different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My experience is very similar to PP's. I was born in the mid 70s in Eastern Europe. Mom and dad both worked full time (and still do) as college professors. It never occurred to me that work arrangements could be any different.

I meant the 21:04 PP.

[Anonymous]

These aren't necessarily routines but things I remember.

- breakfast on the weekend as a family (home or restaurant)
- trips where there was no option of tv (skiing lodges, camping, etc.)
- weekend activities (tennis, running at the track, bike rides on trails)
- ice cream at a parlor after school with mom or dad
- once in every blue moon we were allowed a day off from school and spent it as a family (ie early weekend)

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents worked full time. I never once thought they didn't love me -- I just thought it was normal for parents to work. I was a latch-key kid (which I guess is illegal these days since kids of a certain age can't stay home by themselves?) My parents did no special activities; in fact, we (meaning parents today) seem to do a lot more with our kids than previous generations. For example, I'm always looking for some sort of activity to do on the weekends with my kids that would be fun for them; we never did that when I was a kid, but then it didn't occur to me that we needed to do things like that, so I don't think it's something we HAVE to do, KWIM? Basically, we just played around the house and went with my parents whenever they had errands to run. Nevertheless, I still have good memories of just being around my family. We still talk about funny things that happened, and we're still very close. In some ways, I think all these activities we do today seem so "manufactured." We need to just "live." LOL!

[Anonymous]

Well, what seemed to work for my parents sort of works for me, but I -- to be honest -- expect both more and less of my husband as compared with what my mother expected of my father.

So both of my parents were post-graduate degreed professionals who had some fairly high-intesity jobs. However, they both agreed that they

a) wanted a nanny who would do EVERYTHING so that they didn't have to come home and argue about cleaning the house, making dinner, doing laundry, etc. This alleviated a lot of stress. AND they treated the beloved nanny like a member of the family. This relationship required finding someone who fit really well, and who wouldn't feel burdened by spending so much time with us. That person would being our "third grandmother" who had no family of her own--so we were her adoptees. Very special. We were lucky it workde so well.

b) would not "climb the career ladder ladder" if it meant being a workaholic. The expectation was that everyone would be home for dinner every night. Period.

c) children would be supported and encouraged, but parents would not and could not be at "every game" or "every scool event." Parents were the loudest cheerleeders when they did, come, though. Overall, I think this meant that we all felt confident in pursuing our own interests with emotional support but little inteference.

d) there would always be an adult at home. This was nanny during the day time. Parents at night. And, furthermore, the expectation was that an adult would be with us at friend's hosues too. So nanny or mom or dad had to be assured that at Friend So And So's house, someone was there. Otherwise, friends came to our house.

I can think of nothing wrong with this arrangement. We are all very close -- three children and all the caregivers. Parents were devoted and supportive of the family. Hiring in another loving adult in this scenario was key to meeting everyone's expectations, which means ma and pa had many, many fewer household demands they had to meet. I think also that in my parents' case, my mother working helped to create some gender role balance and power-balance, too (e.g., what might otherwise have leaned to ward traditional man-as-head-of-household role). What may have been difficult for my parents was forging tight cliquish relationships with other neighbors in the 'hood, because at the time women in the home were the glue for that sort of thing (and my mum was not).

[Anonymous]

We shared one car when we had one. My mom dropped my dad off in the morning and then we had breakfast in the car from the McDonalds drive thru. WHen we got to her job, we would have coffee and hot chocolate together until the bus for daycare picked me up around 6:45. My dad picked me up from daycare and we'd go to grandma's to wait for mom to get off. We'd watch Janet Jackson videos or whatever I wanted (I'm an 80s baby) together. Then we'd all travel home together.

Without a car, we still left together. We walked to the Metro and then split off four stops later (dad and me, mom and little sis). After school, spent time with aunts/uncles/cousins or dad. Once mom got off, she cooked and got me ready for the next day.

Weekends were lots of free activities (walks/parks/festivals/playground time, etc) with either or both parent. Lots of Gtown games with dad. When I was older, I spent more time with mom and other families from church and dance class.

I spent aLOT of time with extended family and I loooooooved it.

I'm very happy my mother worked. I looked up to her for it actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of my parents always worked fulltime. My mother's career was much more important, more $$, more travel, more dinners and events. How did we stay connected? Never happened. That's why I wanted my child to have a mama. I never did. (Less stuff IS more, of what's really important.)

Same EXACT situation as my husband! My husband feels the same way as you. Thanks for posting - I'll have to show him this.

ps: His parents made some bad investments a few years ago, and now they have way less "stuff" in their retirement. So they have lost on all fronts.

[Anonymous]

Dad worked really early - something like 6-2 instead of 9-5 so he could pick us up from school and go to sports games, etc.

Mom (they were divorced) had to rely heavily on live-in nannies, but she found wonderful younger women who she could mentor and who become part of our family.

[Anonymous]

Long car trips for vacations. Believe me that less would have been more in that context. So we try to fly everywhere we can to avoid that long travel, through weather and traffic and whatever it is you encounter on the open road versus in an airport. My 10 year-old son has complained: "Why don't we drive like everyone else?" To my response that flying is faster, he countered, "But I don't get to see the same things if I fly." My point is that if you think you are giving your kids the best you can, they may well surprise you and want something that is the opposite. My mom worked and didn't like it, but I loved to go to work with her. I work and do like it, and my daughter loves to go to work with me. It may not be about what you do, but how your child perceives it.