Husband wants people to think we are rich

[Anonymous]

This is a really weird situation - try to bear with me, because it is difficult to explain, except maybe through examples. When DH and I married, years ago, we lived in a tiny apartment, I was still a graduate student, we had very little money. We were planning our wedding, and (long story short) decided to have a small one, which worked out.

DH wanted to donate any "gifts" (money, I suppose? Though I would never ask for money from anyone!) to a charity - to appear like we had more than we did, it turns out. I thought it was weird, but never thought about it again. We didn't really need anything, I had my kitchen set up, since I had been on my own for years. Meanwhile, DH's family was literally asking us if we had pans or plates - which was puzzling to me, especially since, like I said, we had more than enough.

DH's mother was asking for a "registry" (do they even still do those??), so I went to the store and picked out a few things, but none of their family picked out much from it, and I was fine with that, just curious as to why I was told repeatedly to go register (which takes time and effort, especially if you don't need much - but I was trying to not rock the arbitrary boat).

DH was a little strange with money - another example - I brought home a $12. (on sale on an end cap at BBB, I still have it!) tablecloth to "dress up" our tiny place a bit, and DH went ballistic about how we were going to be "poor" (we already were, which is why I was so very conscientious about money) and screaming at me about it. Our bed/couch was a futon, and the cover was too dirty to dryclean (said the dry cleaner), so I bought a new cover. Another "big deal".

Now, flash forward years, and DH and I are thinking of building a deck on our (now) small house. DH and I are not very handy, and we have made do all this time - but he wants to get prices, and wants me to be the one to obtain the quotes. I want him to do it, because he has different concerns than I. So, DH asked a neighbor for references of companies the neighbor is familiar with, since the neighbor is in the business. Neighbor sent some ideas, with notes about each one, and how they work, which I thought was more than generous. Most of the notes have to with with pay/permitting concerns (which doesn't fly with me, so I say we don't have to pursue any of them - why would we??)

Again, neighbor is in the business, so neighbor knows how to alleviate any concerns, but not enough to manage our project (which I would never expect). DH says we have to interview all of them, and use one of them, since we went through the trouble of asking the neighbor. Does this make sense? As if we have to "please" the neighbor, even if it means blowing extra money and time and effort and heartache - which, with our jobs and responsibilities, we can not afford (not to mention the money). I can't fathom spending extra money to make the neighbor (??) happy.

WTH? Please be kind, and hopefully, helpful.

[Anonymous]

I don't think we needed all the background on this.

Help me out...why wouldn't you use any of the ones that the neighbor suggested? They'll work without a permit? They'll work with a permit? And if you're not going to use them because you're not comfortable paying people cash or for work without a permit...how would that cost more money?

[Anonymous]

Your H certain seems to have hangups on money and self image issues. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. The sad thing is, your neighbor mostly likely can see through your H's facade, no matter how hard he tries.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is a people-pleaser.

He wants to help others and bask in the glow of being generous. I hope you know that the latter is a prime factor in charitable giving, OP.
He is quick to feel obligated to people who help him. Great up to a point, unless he gets to a point where he can't say no.
But he also prefers to economize in daily life. Also excellent, unless his thrift descends into extreme territory.

I'm like this too. It's not a bad thing. Luckily my husband understands me and doesn't complain on DCUM!

[Anonymous]

^ forgot to mention that nothing you describe makes me think your husband wants others to think he's rich. Not at all. It's a combination of private thrift and public people-pleasing, which is completely different.

[Anonymous]

I am so lost.
Seems you both have some hang ups... your husband with a negative self image related to money & you seem to be a people pleaser, judging by everything written in parentheses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think we needed all the background on this.

Help me out...why wouldn't you use any of the ones that the neighbor suggested? They'll work without a permit? They'll work with a permit? And if you're not going to use them because you're not comfortable paying people cash or for work without a permit...how would that cost more money?

No permits and we were warned they will leave mid job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your DH is a people-pleaser.

He wants to help others and bask in the glow of being generous. I hope you know that the latter is a prime factor in charitable giving, OP.
He is quick to feel obligated to people who help him. Great up to a point, unless he gets to a point where he can't say no.
But he also prefers to economize in daily life. Also excellent, unless his thrift descends into extreme territory.

I'm like this too. It's not a bad thing. Luckily my husband understands me and doesn't complain on DCUM!

Enlighten me, then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am so lost.
Seems you both have some hang ups... your husband with a negative self image related to money & you seem to be a people pleaser, judging by everything written in parentheses.

Sorry about TMI. Thought the examples were congruent - as they seem to be, in my own mind.

IMO, DH is the people pleaser, and I am thrifty. I don't think people pleaser and thrifty are harmonious - you can be one or the other, but not both. Another example: stuck paying the bill if you go out with friends - has happened to DH, not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think we needed all the background on this.

Help me out...why wouldn't you use any of the ones that the neighbor suggested? They'll work without a permit? They'll work with a permit? And if you're not going to use them because you're not comfortable paying people cash or for work without a permit...how would that cost more money?

No permits and we were warned they will leave mid job.

If your husband thinks that he needs to interview someone because the neighbor wrote down that Contractor XYZ they'll leave the project unfinished...it doesn't follow to me that he wants the neighbor to think he's rich. He might want the neighbor to think he's stupid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your H certain seems to have hangups on money and self image issues. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. The sad thing is, your neighbor mostly likely can see through your H's facade, no matter how hard he tries.

Well, let's just say it would not be the first time DH has been taken advantage of, which is probably how I should have titled the thread. I was trying to get my bearings, but when you are immersed in the craziness, it helps to "say" what is happening, even if it is just on DCUM, thank you. I agree, I oscillate between feeling bad for DH and wanting to not have go through this again. There are other things he has done in the name of being overly generous that has put us in bad situations, and I don't like being vulnerable with money, especially. It costs us plenty, in more ways than one. His mom was not included in any decisions, and I think it is because she was a loose cannon, like DH.

[Anonymous]

I.....well, I think you seem to have issues, too? Your neighbor provides a helpful list - why not pick from that list? Unless he was warning you off people? I mean why would neighbor end a list of people if he's not recommending them?

If you gave him a list, and he said everyone on it Wass garbage,ssure, don't use them. But he provided a list, and he probably wants you to go in eyes open - so bob's decks - good guy, good work, careful that he pulls the right permits. Dave's decks - he will ask you for more money, be prepared.

If neighbor provides you with a list, he wants you to know the pluses and minuses. He doesn't want you tp pick someone blindly and then get suckered by someone he recommended.

Why would you go entirely off list to someone entirely unknown? At least this way, the contractors knows from whom the recommendation comes and you know what to keep your eyes on.

Your paratheenticals were weird. Every wedding I've been to has a registry. but why on earth Ould you donate the gifts you received. Are either of you by any chance first generation Americans? something is just off with this entire posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think we needed all the background on this.

Help me out...why wouldn't you use any of the ones that the neighbor suggested? They'll work without a permit? They'll work with a permit? And if you're not going to use them because you're not comfortable paying people cash or for work without a permit...how would that cost more money?

No permits and we were warned they will leave mid job.

If your husband thinks that he needs to interview someone because the neighbor wrote down that Contractor XYZ they'll leave the project unfinished...it doesn't follow to me that he wants the neighbor to think he's rich. He might want the neighbor to think he's stupid?

IKR? This is how I feel. OP here. The neighbor is basically saying "I know you don't know anything about this procedure, and I def know you are not handy, so proceed with meticulous caution (ie: your wife needs to handle this) or don't proceed at all, because I have already given you the information you need." I don't have the time or inclination to invite trouble, personally.

Do people like this just like drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I.....well, I think you seem to have issues, too? Your neighbor provides a helpful list - why not pick from that list? Unless he was warning you off people? I mean why would neighbor end a list of people if he's not recommending them?

If you gave him a list, and he said everyone on it Wass garbage,ssure, don't use them. But he provided a list, and he probably wants you to go in eyes open - so bob's decks - good guy, good work, careful that he pulls the right permits. Dave's decks - he will ask you for more money, be prepared.

If neighbor provides you with a list, he wants you to know the pluses and minuses. He doesn't want you tp pick someone blindly and then get suckered by someone he recommended.

Why would you go entirely off list to someone entirely unknown? At least this way, the contractors knows from whom the recommendation comes and you know what to keep your eyes on.

Your paratheenticals were weird. Every wedding I've been to has a registry. but why on earth Ould you donate the gifts you received. Are either of you by any chance first generation Americans? something is just off with this entire posting.

Exactly! The neighbor was saying "I'm a professional, and I know how to handle the situation, but you might not, so here is the info that you asked for, because I am trying to be neighborly". I can't post the response for obvious reasons, but the neighbor gave us what he has, and seemed to be discouraging our using his recommendations, unless we knew how to go at the situation with a lot of time and effort. So, thank you for pointing that out.

What about first generation what? LOL.

[Anonymous]

tedious....