Husband wants people to think we are rich

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a really weird situation - try to bear with me, because it is difficult to explain, except maybe through examples. When DH and I married, years ago, we lived in a tiny apartment, I was still a graduate student, we had very little money. We were planning our wedding, and (long story short) decided to have a small one, which worked out.

DH wanted to donate any "gifts" (money, I suppose? Though I would never ask for money from anyone!) to a charity - to appear like we had more than we did, it turns out. I thought it was weird, but never thought about it again. We didn't really need anything, I had my kitchen set up, since I had been on my own for years. Meanwhile, DH's family was literally asking us if we had pans or plates - which was puzzling to me, especially since, like I said, we had more than enough.

DH's mother was asking for a "registry" (do they even still do those??), so I went to the store and picked out a few things, but none of their family picked out much from it, and I was fine with that, just curious as to why I was told repeatedly to go register (which takes time and effort, especially if you don't need much - but I was trying to not rock the arbitrary boat).

DH was a little strange with money - another example - I brought home a $12. (on sale on an end cap at BBB, I still have it!) tablecloth to "dress up" our tiny place a bit, and DH went ballistic about how we were going to be "poor" (we already were, which is why I was so very conscientious about money) and screaming at me about it. Our bed/couch was a futon, and the cover was too dirty to dryclean (said the dry cleaner), so I bought a new cover. Another "big deal".

Now, flash forward years, and DH and I are thinking of building a deck on our (now) small house. DH and I are not very handy, and we have made do all this time - but he wants to get prices, and wants me to be the one to obtain the quotes. I want him to do it, because he has different concerns than I. So, DH asked a neighbor for references of companies the neighbor is familiar with, since the neighbor is in the business. Neighbor sent some ideas, with notes about each one, and how they work, which I thought was more than generous. Most of the notes have to with with pay/permitting concerns (which doesn't fly with me, so I say we don't have to pursue any of them - why would we??)

Again, neighbor is in the business, so neighbor knows how to alleviate any concerns, but not enough to manage our project (which I would never expect). DH says we have to interview all of them, and use one of them, since we went through the trouble of asking the neighbor. Does this make sense? As if we have to "please" the neighbor, even if it means blowing extra money and time and effort and heartache - which, with our jobs and responsibilities, we can not afford (not to mention the money). I can't fathom spending extra money to make the neighbor (??) happy.

WTH? Please be kind, and hopefully, helpful.

After reading this I think your husband would want to date your neighbor.

Neighbor is a man - what's your point? Oh, was that a joke?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) if you are building a deck, why wouldn't you go with the people your neighbor recommended? Why bother asking if you didn't want a professional's opinion?
2) Yes, you should be concerned about permitting issues
3) You are insane
4) If you don't want a deck, why bother getting a list at all?
5) it seems to me you don't know what the heck you actually want. Deck? No deck? Professional or lame-@$$ doesn't get permits to do the work? I got too bored to read carefully
6) Anger issues - that seems to be your DH's problem
7) you should take a class on the art of telling a story. This one was uber-dull.

I'm indifferent about the deck, and that makes me "insane"? LOL.

If you don't like my non-story - don't read it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re being the cheap one here, not your DH. At least he’s willing to consider the contractors that your neighbor recommended.

What is the problem with pay and permitting concerns? It sounds like you want the deck built but you don’t want to hire a reputable (i.e., more expensive) contractor to do the work.

You should be getting any necessary permits and making sure the work is up to code. You can be slapped with a hefty fine by your municipality if you don’t have a required permit. And haven’t you heard about deck collapses in the news and all the injuries that can result from them? Being on the wrong end of a lawsuit can be even more expensive than paying a reputable contractor.

The point, is exactly the opposite, thank you for pointing that out. I am trying to save money by trying to avoid problematic deck people - which neighbor admitted about their recommendations. Would you hire someone if you were told they do not do their job properly?

Some of these PPs do not make sense. Maybe they are MIL (she can be rather antagonistic).

Does anyone have any other thoughts on what the behavior is called, besides "people pleasing", or is that pretty much it?

I am wondering if there is some bullying involved, as I know MIL can be quite a bully. Another example (for those who so enjoy these) is when DH first moved in with me, MIL would often remark on our place, like it was "fancy". It was under 900 square feet, and anything but! I think she had a problem with me being different than her? DH sometimes gets indignant about that, and sometimes will "undo" things that I have done (ie cleaning out the carport, for example). As if I am not supposed to clean anything or something? Maybe by my cleaning something, no matter how innocuous, I am being "fancy"? Maybe we should be living like a Hoarders episode, instead? Who knows. Maybe these examples mean nothing - I do see some parallels myself. Glad none of you have been through such weirdness.

[Anonymous]

You are making this WAY more complicated than it needs to be. Get estimates, compare estimates, decide if you are willing to pay for a deck, and finally, choose the contractor. Considering the dialogue of the last 3 pages, I think the estimates will come in too high $$ and you will not go thru with the deck. Geez, how have you handled purchasing a major appliance in your married life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making this WAY more complicated than it needs to be. Get estimates, compare estimates, decide if you are willing to pay for a deck, and finally, choose the contractor. Considering the dialogue of the last 3 pages, I think the estimates will come in too high $$ and you will not go thru with the deck. Geez, how have you handled purchasing a major appliance in your married life?

Thanks for your input. I handle all of the major purchases, maybe I am a little burnt out. We have a satisfactory estimate already, which makes it unnecessary to get more estimates, which is part of my issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re being the cheap one here, not your DH. At least he’s willing to consider the contractors that your neighbor recommended.

What is the problem with pay and permitting concerns? It sounds like you want the deck built but you don’t want to hire a reputable (i.e., more expensive) contractor to do the work.

You should be getting any necessary permits and making sure the work is up to code. You can be slapped with a hefty fine by your municipality if you don’t have a required permit. And haven’t you heard about deck collapses in the news and all the injuries that can result from them? Being on the wrong end of a lawsuit can be even more expensive than paying a reputable contractor.

The point, is exactly the opposite, thank you for pointing that out. I am trying to save money by trying to avoid problematic deck people - which neighbor admitted about their recommendations. Would you hire someone if you were told they do not do their job properly?

Some of these PPs do not make sense. Maybe they are MIL (she can be rather antagonistic).

Does anyone have any other thoughts on what the behavior is called, besides "people pleasing", or is that pretty much it?

I am wondering if there is some bullying involved, as I know MIL can be quite a bully. Another example (for those who so enjoy these) is when DH first moved in with me, MIL would often remark on our place, like it was "fancy". It was under 900 square feet, and anything but! I think she had a problem with me being different than her? DH sometimes gets indignant about that, and sometimes will "undo" things that I have done (ie cleaning out the carport, for example). As if I am not supposed to clean anything or something? Maybe by my cleaning something, no matter how innocuous, I am being "fancy"? Maybe we should be living like a Hoarders episode, instead? Who knows. Maybe these examples mean nothing - I do see some parallels myself. Glad none of you have been through such weirdness.

PP here. In your original post you wrote:

“So, DH asked a neighbor for references of companies the neighbor is familiar with, since the neighbor is in the business. Neighbor sent some ideas, with notes about each one, and how they work, which I thought was more than generous. Most of the notes have to with with pay/permitting concerns (which doesn't fly with me, so I say we don't have to pursue any of them - why would we??)

Again, neighbor is in the business, so neighbor knows how to alleviate any concerns, but not enough to manage our project (which I would never expect). DH says we have to interview all of them, and use one of them, since we went through the trouble of asking the neighbor. Does this make sense? As if we have to "please" the neighbor, even if it means blowing extra money and time and effort and heartache - which, with our jobs and responsibilities, we can not afford (not to mention the money). I can't fathom spending extra money to make the neighbor (??) happy. “

I was left with the impression that those were [b]your concerns, not your DH’s.

Perhaps you should write a draft, leave if for a while and then come back to it and edit it as your posts are difficult to understand clearly.

You don’t have to diagnose your DH. You only need to ask yourself if you’re willing to live with it. If you want to stay with him, get some therapy so you can learn how to deal with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re being the cheap one here, not your DH. At least he’s willing to consider the contractors that your neighbor recommended.

What is the problem with pay and permitting concerns? It sounds like you want the deck built but you don’t want to hire a reputable (i.e., more expensive) contractor to do the work.

You should be getting any necessary permits and making sure the work is up to code. You can be slapped with a hefty fine by your municipality if you don’t have a required permit. And haven’t you heard about deck collapses in the news and all the injuries that can result from them? Being on the wrong end of a lawsuit can be even more expensive than paying a reputable contractor.

The point, is exactly the opposite, thank you for pointing that out. I am trying to save money by trying to avoid problematic deck people - which neighbor admitted about their recommendations. Would you hire someone if you were told they do not do their job properly?

Some of these PPs do not make sense. Maybe they are MIL (she can be rather antagonistic).

Does anyone have any other thoughts on what the behavior is called, besides "people pleasing", or is that pretty much it?

I am wondering if there is some bullying involved, as I know MIL can be quite a bully. Another example (for those who so enjoy these) is when DH first moved in with me, MIL would often remark on our place, like it was "fancy". It was under 900 square feet, and anything but! I think she had a problem with me being different than her? DH sometimes gets indignant about that, and sometimes will "undo" things that I have done (ie cleaning out the carport, for example). As if I am not supposed to clean anything or something? Maybe by my cleaning something, no matter how innocuous, I am being "fancy"? Maybe we should be living like a Hoarders episode, instead? Who knows. Maybe these examples mean nothing - I do see some parallels myself. Glad none of you have been through such weirdness.

PP here. In your original post you wrote:

“So, DH asked a neighbor for references of companies the neighbor is familiar with, since the neighbor is in the business. Neighbor sent some ideas, with notes about each one, and how they work, which I thought was more than generous. Most of the notes have to with with pay/permitting concerns (which doesn't fly with me, so I say we don't have to pursue any of them - why would we??)

Again, neighbor is in the business, so neighbor knows how to alleviate any concerns, but not enough to manage our project (which I would never expect). DH says we have to interview all of them, and use one of them, since we went through the trouble of asking the neighbor. Does this make sense? As if we have to "please" the neighbor, even if it means blowing extra money and time and effort and heartache - which, with our jobs and responsibilities, we can not afford (not to mention the money). I can't fathom spending extra money to make the neighbor (??) happy. “

I was left with the impression that those were [b]your concerns, not your DH’s.

Perhaps you should write a draft, leave if for a while and then come back to it and edit it as your posts are difficult to understand clearly.

You don’t have to diagnose your DH. You only need to ask yourself if you’re willing to live with it. If you want to stay with him, get some therapy so you can learn how to deal with him.

I agree with the last part, thank you, PP. I also wouldn't want to invite known trouble - the fact that I would have to be the one to deal with the problematic contractor, to appease DH, so he could appease the neighbor, who could not care less who we picked. See how this is not straightforward - but should be? That is the part I am asking about, though it is difficult for people who don't live with such games to comprehend. It is equally difficult to describe the situation, and helps to ask anonymous people WTH. So, thanks. If it sounds like confusing behavior, that is difficult to describe, well it is!

[Anonymous]

A pp here. If you and your DH do not agree on which contractor to use, the project should be put on hold. This isn’t a necessity, it’s a want. Another thought. Tell problem contractor you want to see some of his decks in person and talk to the homeowners about their experience.

[Anonymous]

You give your DH three choices:
A - you do the work, you get to pick. If you have to do the walk-through, interview the contractors and get the quotes; you make the decision.
B - he does the work, he gets to pick. Same as the above, with him doing the work and making the decision.
C - you work together. You make the appointments together, both interview the contractor, get the quotes, talk about the choices. You discuss and agree together on the choice.

Those are the options. He gets to pick.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to call every single contractor that your neighbor recommended. Pick the two you like best based on the information your neighbor gave. Then compare their estimates. If you don’t like either, then you can agree to call a third at that point.

Your neighbor really will not care that you didn’t call each and every single one. He was probably trying to give you enough information so you could narrow down the field based on what your priorities were — cost, quality, timeliness....

[Anonymous]

This is all about building a deck

[Anonymous]

You husband sounds autistic and OCD and it will only get worse.

Of course you don't have to call every single person on that list. Can DH agree that the list is completely worthless, since those guys work with no permit? I mean, him being such nervous Nelly - this should be his #1 concern.
...which brings us to a conclusion: you'll have to pay top $ to have that deck done safely and nicely. Or as someone else said - just put it on hold for now.

[Anonymous]

OP, you must feel like you’re going crazy but my DH is like yours. He has high-functioning autism and his read on social situations, executive functioning skills, and insecurity all suck to live with. He really struggles with appearances, social approval, and decision-making. He dealt with this through childhood and young adulthood by just copying what “the cool kids” do, which means that he now copies or chases the lifestyles of his much-richer college classmates with often awkward results. His parents are immigrants and from a country where help is cheap and prevalent, and most people rent homes, so he just can’t grasp how to care for a house or make improvements.

TLDR, I agree that your DH is dealing with some issues from his family of origin, a weirdly intense need for social approval, and general insecurity about both his social standing and his ability to make decisions. My fix is to just take over everything and take his occasional money tantrums on the chin. You’re not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you must feel like you’re going crazy but my DH is like yours. He has high-functioning autism and his read on social situations, executive functioning skills, and insecurity all suck to live with. He really struggles with appearances, social approval, and decision-making. He dealt with this through childhood and young adulthood by just copying what “the cool kids” do, which means that he now copies or chases the lifestyles of his much-richer college classmates with often awkward results. His parents are immigrants and from a country where help is cheap and prevalent, and most people rent homes, so he just can’t grasp how to care for a house or make improvements.

TLDR, I agree that your DH is dealing with some issues from his family of origin, a weirdly intense need for social approval, and general insecurity about both his social standing and his ability to make decisions. My fix is to just take over everything and take his occasional money tantrums on the chin. You’re not alone.

Thank you! This is what I was hoping to see - someone who has gone through this crazy situation! I knew with so many diagnosis these days, a sane answer would appear. I am grateful because yes, it is crazy making (though I know better) - and DCUM is more often than not (ex: dissecting my writing instead of the message, because petty), not kind. But I sucked it up and asked, and there you are, thank you. It takes a lot of patience and overlooking things, which I do out of necessity (time and busy job and kids, etc.) - as you probably know. So, what are your best "management" (situations, not husband) skills and did he get help, eventually? I think there should be a difficult spouse thread - so people can chime in without getting piled on.

It absolutely is from the family of origin. MIL is impossible, doesn't really get along with anyone, is all about facades, does bare minimum in any situation, has untreated severe anxiety and depression, is petulant and rude. Which is fine, but own it. DH is getting worse with age, but I call him on it. He knows MIL is impossible, a couple of his other family members act similarly. We see them often, but only for short visits, and those who married in are well aware, thankfully. We often find ourselves glancing each other's way knowingly. ex: MIL had gone on about me like I was an ogre - I finally met one or two of her organized groups (not really friends, but whatever) and they were so sweet and pleasant and real, and it turns out, I had so much in common with some of the group members. They could hold a conversation without making everything about them, and were genuinely interested in other people - not snarky and miserable.

I think some people (ahem DCUM, MIL) want someone to hate on, which makes dealing with the situation more difficult (not the DCUM part, that was expected LOL). Anyway, MIL thinks her behavior actually takes the attention off of her (puzzling). Much like when DH tries to put me in the middle of a situation (drama) that he created. I call him on it, then let him deal with it- but as you know, it is exhausting. Thank you for any more insight and resources you can provide, PP!

[Anonymous]

PP, I thought of something else. Does your husband tend to "act out" by doing something exactly opposite if you ask nicely (a million times) not to?

I have to laugh, because I know if I go to find a new, working battery or lightbulb in the house, he will have put the old, non-workable ones where we keep the new ones - every time. This is just one example, however innocuous...

MIL does the same type of thing - if you are different than her, she takes it as a personal affront, and works exactly opposite what you may have asked no matter how trivial.

Is that ODD? Or something else? So intriguing, when it happens like clockwork.