Husband wants people to think we are rich

[Anonymous]

PP who posted about the similar husband. OP, you asked if it gets better? I hoped a diagnosis and some counseling and coaching would help. But no, my DH has not improved with time or with awareness of his deficits. For him, HFA was fine until it wasn’t, and I think the only thing that would have helped was serious executive functioning and social skills work when he was a child. It’s too late for my DH. He has become worse and each year I take more responsibility off his plate because he can’t handle- cognitively or emotionally- the increasing demands that growing children and married life create. He just doesn’t have the cognitive and executive functioning ability to handle it. It means our marriage is really unbalanced and I am tired, and he is embarrassed and angry. The situation feels very secret and private, so I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone but my best friends about it. DH basically shuts down after work is done for the day because he has zero ability left to deal with cognitive demand let alone multitasking. It’s hurt our couples friend relationships and me/my kids’ social life. The truth is that it won’t get better and the only fix for it, pre-COVID, was for me to have a ton of babysitters and help and to double down on my own social life.

[Anonymous]

And PS, yes, he would act out before he stopped doing stuff altogether. For example; he’d put off a task I’d asked him to do and when I asked again, he’d do it right then in an angry huff even if it was midnight and the kids were sleeping.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not a very clear writer. ARe you saying you want to only interview the people who use permits and finish the job well, and your DH wants to also itnerview the people your neighbor warned you did not use permits? If that is the case, of course you don't interview the cheap deck builders who break the law. Explain to DH that the neighbor was not trying to say you should hire them - the neighbor wassaying, these people would do it for cheap but not very well. WHy would interviewing those cheap ones make you look rich? It's the opposite

[Anonymous]

You said that your in laws shouldn’t have asked you to compile a list if they weren’t going to use it.

And then you say that your neighbor should have spent time putting together a list even though you don’t want to use it.

Those things don’t go together. Your DH might be a people pleaser but it sounds like you want to treat people worse than you want to be treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said that your in laws shouldn’t have asked you to compile a list if they weren’t going to use it.

And then you say that your neighbor should have spent time putting together a list even though you don’t want to use it.

Those things don’t go together. Your DH might be a people pleaser but it sounds like you want to treat people worse than you want to be treated.

Huh? Those are not the comparisons, or topic, at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not a very clear writer. ARe you saying you want to only interview the people who use permits and finish the job well, and your DH wants to also itnerview the people your neighbor warned you did not use permits? If that is the case, of course you don't interview the cheap deck builders who break the law. Explain to DH that the neighbor was not trying to say you should hire them - the neighbor wassaying, these people would do it for cheap but not very well. WHy would interviewing those cheap ones make you look rich? It's the opposite

Depends on the intent of DH. Do you live with and know the intent of the DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP who posted about the similar husband. OP, you asked if it gets better? I hoped a diagnosis and some counseling and coaching would help. But no, my DH has not improved with time or with awareness of his deficits. For him, HFA was fine until it wasn’t, and I think the only thing that would have helped was serious executive functioning and social skills work when he was a child. It’s too late for my DH. He has become worse and each year I take more responsibility off his plate because he can’t handle- cognitively or emotionally- the increasing demands that growing children and married life create. He just doesn’t have the cognitive and executive functioning ability to handle it. It means our marriage is really unbalanced and I am tired, and he is embarrassed and angry. The situation feels very secret and private, so I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone but my best friends about it. DH basically shuts down after work is done for the day because he has zero ability left to deal with cognitive demand let alone multitasking. It’s hurt our couples friend relationships and me/my kids’ social life. The truth is that it won’t get better and the only fix for it, pre-COVID, was for me to have a ton of babysitters and help and to double down on my own social life.

I think there are many, many adults who have HFA - some with better coping skills than others. I think a separate board on this topic would be very useful. I don't see posters going into the SN kids forum and being persnickety about writing style, etc.

[Anonymous]

I bet at least one person in this saga is a foreigner (and I don't mean the construction guys :lol