Personality Disorder and Boundaries
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Anonymous
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So my brother has debilitating personality disorder, and his therapist recommended a course of treatment that was a little unorthodox and would potentially cost a little more to implement.
Brother lives over disability income and a small trust from our parents, and I am careful to set boundaries and only speak to him on circumspect schedule and only give money as part of birthdays or holidays generally. Since his therapist recommended this course, and my brother was worried about the additional cost, I said I would help with covering the costs since the it is therapist recommended -- the therapist signed off on my additional involvement despite my concern of bending boundaries. Well brother has started this new regime, but there are additional things he keeps coming up with, such as he needs new notebooks for journaling (rather than just the pads of paper he has now) or needs new clothes because it is getting him out of the house more and he doesn't have enough to wear, or he needs a new winter coat since he goes on walks with the group (socially distanced) and his current coat was only good enough for walking to and from the car. I am pushing back at this, and regretting I didn't specify a concrete amount I would help but I just slipped up since I was hopeful this treatment would be a step to him getting better and maybe even getting back to work someday -- though now that I see how he is handling even this modest change I suspect he will never work again, which means there will be future problems when his trust runs out or his car breaks down. Thoughts on how to re-establsh appropriate boundaries? Should I talk to therapist? I pushed back on this additional "needs" to support therapy, and he hung up on me. |
Anonymous
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I don't know anything about the therapy, but his requests don't sound unreasonable. What I would do is try to come up with a complete list of what he needs to be successful in the program. I would work with the therapist and your brother to do this. Then make it clear that this is the end of the outside assistance.
Thing is that it doesn't make sense to start a new therapy and not give your brother what it takes to be successful. At the same time, I get that you are in a tough position because this is something that you are always going to live with. |
Anonymous
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Paper notebooks - buy at Walmart
Warmer coat - find something at Goodwill and maybe a new coat could be his Christmas gift. |
Anonymous
You don’t understand. These are just examples. There have been new ‘needs’ about every other day. That’s the issue. He won’t accept stuff from goodwill, that would just trigger an outburst of anger |
Anonymous
Yes, I can get one thing at Christmas, but the list keeps growing and growing. We don’t have endless money; and my spouse is teh breadwinner and hates his job, so pouring money into my ungrateful sibling is a source of stress. |
Anonymous
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I think you should put a $ limit on what you will be willing to spend over the agreed-upon amount. Include in that a small amount of cash that they can use for the journal or other small things without bothering you.
Sorry OP, the whole situation sounds very frustrating. |
Anonymous
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OP. I get it you don't want this to be a money grab.
But a warmer coat? That you can buy pretty cheap go to costco or good will. I get it those were examples, but the two you put notebooks and a coat are not that big of a deal. I think what you are saying is you don't want him to keep coming to you for money. You need an advocate between the two of you. Find some service that can do this and make it easier to communicate. I am not saying this is not hard or that you need to take many finances from your immediate family, but your brother can not control his illness. |
Anonymous
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OP, so set your boundary now. Yes, you’ll get pushback as that is part of his illness and process. Have a meeting with his therapist and discuss how he can ask for things, with your boundary in place eg. He can’t ask for new things every other day, it must be compiled into a list once every week or two, or whatever. You won’t buy everything on the list, but you will help up to x dollars, and assist for 20 minutes in finding ways he can access the rest from his list using his own money or resources.
Stewing about him being ungrateful is just stirring up drama in your own Bain. Let it go. Set your boundary. Move forward with it. Stop focusing on the big things, like him getting a job in the future, and look at his small successes and allow yourself to reward both of you for that. I know everyone is at the end of their rope with COVID, and you’ve probably been dealing with this for a long time, so it may also a good idea for you to have a few therapy appointments to he’ll let go of some of your resentments. He can’t heop his illness, as frustrating as that feels, and he can’t see that his requests are just making you mad. To him, they are legitimate needs, and he hopes to get better as much as you want him to get better. |
Anonymous
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I would talk to the therapist. He should be able to find a way to address this with your brother, as a matter of helping your brother improve his independence and resourcefulness and not as a your sister has drawn this boundary issue.
While this may be a difficult thing for you to consider, you may want to think about getting at least a part-time job at some point so you can establish a personal fund that can help with possible future financial needs that your brother may have so they won’t affect your own family’s finances. Even better if the job could help your own family’s finances as well. |
Anonymous
| OP I would say stop before your spouse starts resenting you. Your brother will survive on his own. |
Anonymous
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OP, all his requests are unreasonable. If he can get himself to a therapist, he can order some notebooks from Amazon. He's taking advantage of you...and you have to decide if you're going to be his "mommy." I'm saying this from experience...please trust me. I have a father this is clinically mentally ill and he will take me down any chance he gets. The second I start to cave and feel sorry for him it's a money grab like you wouldn't believe.
You need to say no and stop the daily communication. If you trust your brother to manage money, and you want to give him some to allocate toward therapy, give him a set amount or gift cards (so you can control where he spends it) once a month or so. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. |
Anonymous
Cheap composition notebooks or you can hand him a hole-punch and an old binder. A coat doesn't need to come from goodwill but deep discount is okay if he actually really needs it. I had a time period where I did not have a warm enough coat for a northern/seasonal/cold weather university or winter boots and got frost bite multiple times. No car. No public transit. I am still extremely bitter over this and the allocation of funds within our family since a poor student sibling with no job was given a car that same year. The new clothes, etc, I think is unreasonable. It could be rolled into an xmas gift if you wanted but I'd clarify your boundaries and $ limit asap. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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When you said you agreed to help with costs, I assumed it was to pay a therapist or facilitator. I think that’s fine. Asking you to pay for “extras” puts yo7 8n the difficult position of having to assess whether every little thing is necessary. That’s exhausting and, as a PP says. Puts you in a parental or supervisory relationship, which you already knew you wanted to avoid.
I don’t think it would be out of line to talk with the therapist to ask what kinds of costs you can expect to incur. Then you can decide what, if any, you will continue to fund. |
Anonymous
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Go to dollar tree or Walmart and get some composition books and pens. Done.
Go to Costco or Walmart (or online) and get him a nice coat, 3 pair of jeans and a few shirts/sweaters and a pack of socks. Done. |