Personality Disorder and Boundaries

[Anonymous]

Walmart -
Mens Jeans - 3 pair for $33
https://www.walmart.com/ip/George-Men-s-Regular-Fit-Jean/701236486

Men's Jacket - https://www.walmart.com/ip/SwissTech-Men-s-and-Big-Men-s-Puffer-Jacket-Up-to-Size-5XL/770564983

Some men's shirts - 2 for $12 - https://www.walmart.com/ip/George-Men-s-and-Big-Men-s-Long-Sleeve-Raglan-T-Shirt-2-Pack-up-to-Size-5XL/675450484

4 count Composition book - $6 https://www.walmart.com/ip/Pen-Gear-Color-Composition-Book-Wide-Ruled-4-Count/250985549?selected=true

Add gloves and socks and maybe a sweatshirt and done. That is his christmas gift.

[Anonymous]

I don't think his requests are unreasonable, you could do it without spending much and make it his Christmas gift that could be your boundary.

You could run it by his therapist to check.

[Anonymous]

Op he is being unreasonable and as you say his requests are coming in every other day and when you don't give in to his demands he hangs up on you or goes into a rage.

He is going to manipulate you and use you because that's what personality disordered people do. It doesn't sound like he has changed and the likelihood of him changing is not good.

You need to protect yourself. When you are being manipulated you will feel guilty and confused. You have set your boundaries, you paid for his therapy now he needs to sort out the rest. Continue to give for his birthday and Christmas only.

He can get cheap clothes or Goodwill, he is choosing not to. Stand strong and take a massive step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you said you agreed to help with costs, I assumed it was to pay a therapist or facilitator. I think that’s fine. Asking you to pay for “extras” puts yo7 8n the difficult position of having to assess whether every little thing is necessary. That’s exhausting and, as a PP says. Puts you in a parental or supervisory relationship, which you already knew you wanted to avoid.

I don’t think it would be out of line to talk with the therapist to ask what kinds of costs you can expect to incur. Then you can decide what, if any, you will continue to fund.

Exactly. I had said itemize the treatment costs and I would help with those, and suddenly is random things he needs “because” of treatment

[Anonymous]

They don't sound like random things to me. Don't you prefer to have a good coat and enough clothing that you can wear something different and clean? Of course now that he's getting out more, he's thinking of these things. You don't want to buy him these things. But they aren't random.

Can he afford these things? If so, take him to Walmart and Target to help him pick them out. If he can't afford them, tell him what you can afford and help him sort out what is most important to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don't sound like random things to me. Don't you prefer to have a good coat and enough clothing that you can wear something different and clean? Of course now that he's getting out more, he's thinking of these things. You don't want to buy him these things. But they aren't random.

Can he afford these things? If so, take him to Walmart and Target to help him pick them out. If he can't afford them, tell him what you can afford and help him sort out what is most important to him.

OP, totally ignore the above. You are not responsible for your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don't sound like random things to me. Don't you prefer to have a good coat and enough clothing that you can wear something different and clean? Of course now that he's getting out more, he's thinking of these things. You don't want to buy him these things. But they aren't random.

Can he afford these things? If so, take him to Walmart and Target to help him pick them out. If he can't afford them, tell him what you can afford and help him sort out what is most important to him.

Why is any of this OP’s responsibility?? Having a personality disorder does not affect ones ability to buy inexpensive essentials for oneself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't sound like random things to me. Don't you prefer to have a good coat and enough clothing that you can wear something different and clean? Of course now that he's getting out more, he's thinking of these things. You don't want to buy him these things. But they aren't random.

Can he afford these things? If so, take him to Walmart and Target to help him pick them out. If he can't afford them, tell him what you can afford and help him sort out what is most important to him.

Why is any of this OP’s responsibility?? Having a personality disorder does not affect ones ability to buy inexpensive essentials for oneself.

Money does but if you have inheritance you would get it deducted from social security disability so the post makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op he is being unreasonable and as you say his requests are coming in every other day and when you don't give in to his demands he hangs up on you or goes into a rage.

He is going to manipulate you and use you because that's what personality disordered people do. It doesn't sound like he has changed and the likelihood of him changing is not good.

You need to protect yourself. When you are being manipulated you will feel guilty and confused. You have set your boundaries, you paid for his therapy now he needs to sort out the rest. Continue to give for his birthday and Christmas only.

He can get cheap clothes or Goodwill, he is choosing not to. Stand strong and take a massive step back.

This, OP. The manipulation will take you down. We had a similar situation in my family, but it was my uncle. My mother suffered for years until she passed. My aunt? She put up strong boundaries from the get-go and never doubted herself. Good luck. It will be hard and you’ll probably feel guilty for a bit, but in time you’ll realize you’re protecting your own mental health and the well-being of your family. All the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't sound like random things to me. Don't you prefer to have a good coat and enough clothing that you can wear something different and clean? Of course now that he's getting out more, he's thinking of these things. You don't want to buy him these things. But they aren't random.

Can he afford these things? If so, take him to Walmart and Target to help him pick them out. If he can't afford them, tell him what you can afford and help him sort out what is most important to him.

Why is any of this OP’s responsibility?? Having a personality disorder does not affect ones ability to buy inexpensive essentials for oneself.

He's receiving disability, which means he is unable to work enough to provide for himself. He clearly has a mental or cognitive disability, and yes that probably keeps him from buying inexpensive essentials for himself. He needs help. OP isn't obligated to help him, but gosh that's cold.

OP, at least you have the right idea regarding boundaries. Decide where he needs assistance, and tell him clearly your intentions. Then at the very least, help him help himself. Teach him how to do what he can't figure out. Or at least Encourage him to tell his therapist he's struggling with these things. I wouldn't cut him off without knowing he can accomplish these things himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't sound like random things to me. Don't you prefer to have a good coat and enough clothing that you can wear something different and clean? Of course now that he's getting out more, he's thinking of these things. You don't want to buy him these things. But they aren't random.

Can he afford these things? If so, take him to Walmart and Target to help him pick them out. If he can't afford them, tell him what you can afford and help him sort out what is most important to him.

OP, totally ignore the above. You are not responsible for your brother.

DP. Actually she is. We're all responsible for each other. No wonder our world is so screwed up with people like you in it PP. Wow.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised by all the people supporting OP. She sounds very cold and harsh. Her brother's requests seem quite reasonable. I think she needs to step up and help him and cut it out with all this "boundaries" crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised by all the people supporting OP. She sounds very cold and harsh. Her brother's requests seem quite reasonable. I think she needs to step up and help him and cut it out with all this "boundaries" crap.

If you don't understand the importance of boundaries when dealing with personality disorders, this isn't a thread for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised by all the people supporting OP. She sounds very cold and harsh. Her brother's requests seem quite reasonable. I think she needs to step up and help him and cut it out with all this "boundaries" crap.

If you don't understand the importance of boundaries when dealing with personality disorders, this isn't a thread for you.

I actually do understand working with personality disorders. I think that OP's "borders" are wrong and incorrectly set. I think OP just doesn't want to be bothered by her brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised by all the people supporting OP. She sounds very cold and harsh. Her brother's requests seem quite reasonable. I think she needs to step up and help him and cut it out with all this "boundaries" crap.

If you don't understand the importance of boundaries when dealing with personality disorders, this isn't a thread for you.

I actually do understand working with personality disorders. I think that OP's "borders" are wrong and incorrectly set. I think OP just doesn't want to be bothered by her brother.

How do you recommend he draws boundaries?