4 yo hiding candy in her room and lying

[Anonymous]

I have a 4 yo who this week hid and ate cough drops in her room and yesterday his and ate Halloween candy in her room (she had an allotment of 4 pieces at night and ate a couple pieces at a Halloween candy hunt we went to during the day). Last year she had a week right before schools shut where she took snacks and lip balm from her classmates cubbies when she thought no one was watching. When she was 2 she got up before the rest of us to take chocolate chips into her room and my diet peach Snapple.

We have talked to her, yelled at her, given her consequences, gotten her things she covets, and still this behavior seems to continue in bursts. Any advice or suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Are you doing a lot of restrictive eating at home? Hiding, banning, "we don't eat x,y,z" etc?

If so, stop it. You're creating the taboo. So of course she's hiding.

- your 4 year old who's now a 40 year old, and it took me 33 years to undo the excessive "healthy eating" message and shame my parents forced us to adopt.

[Anonymous]

Change the rules. Dont make candy/sweets a forbidden food. Serve a small sweet at every meal. Dont yell or eating the candy. The rule is no food in her room. Of any kind. And know its normal, they are exploring lying and making things up.
The only consequence that ever works in our house is throwing whatever out and i keep my word and it goes in the trash, calmly. Results in a tantrum and pleading etc but then good behavior lasts a good long time. Its only used as a last resort.

[Anonymous]

Start giving her candy with dinner. Don’t make it forbidden. Don’t talk about dieting or your body in front of her. Make sure she’s getting plenty to eat for breakfast and lunch especially—lots of protein and healthy fats. If she’s eating cereal and waffles for breakfast she’s going on a sugar roller coaster that will make her crave sweets all day.

As for stealing from friends...that is odd...how did it turn out? Instead of consequences, I would try to play the empathy card—how would you feel if sally stole from you? How do you think she feels right now? How can we make this better?

[Anonymous]

Aww. I was raised in a home with very restricted sweets and I remember getting caught hiding chocolate chips in a sock at this age. When I left home, I ate two candy bars a day for a couple years (and also had a serious eating disorder so I didn't eat much else). Now for myself and my kid, my policy is if it's in the house help yourself. Occasionally she will eat a lot of candy, but more often I have to throw the candy on our snack shelf out when it gets gross and stale. I notice that compared to her friends she is much more restrained around sweets and will often say no thank you to a cupcake or whatever treat. It can feel really weird to lift the rules but for most (not all, some people don't develop that internal sense of when to stop and need external control) it really works if you give it a bit of time.

[Anonymous]

Your child is taking candy and sweets because she wants them. They are sweet and taste good and she likes them. She isn't "stealing" them -- she does not yet have the capacity to understand that concept of ownership or to recognize her behavior as wrong.

And she is lying about it because she knows you are mad about it and will punish her. The fact that you sometimes punish her and other times give her what she wants likely confuses her further and makes her more likely to lie. She wants to please you and give you the "right" answer to your questions. So when you say "Did you take the cough drops?" in an angry voice that makes it clear that taking the cough drops is bad, she will say "No" because that is the "right" answer. The fact that it's not true isn't really occurring to her. As with the assignment of "stealing" she doesn't really know what lying is at this stage. Kids may up stories all the time. They don't know very much about the world. They are testing out ideas and seeing if they are correct. You are holding her to a much older child's standard of right and wrong and she is way too young to understand it.

You need to talk to her about her behavior. Don't focus on punishment and don't shame her or use loaded language. If she takes something she is not supposed to have, take it back and put it where it goes, and gently explain why she can't have it ("Cough drops are for when a grown up has a sore throat. They are not for kids and they are only for someone with a hurt throat.") Expect to do this more than once. You must reinforce new concepts with small children.

When asking your child questions about her behavior, try to stay curious and to not attach moral judgments to it. Don't ask her accusingly if she is hiding candy. Say gently "I see that you put some candy under your bed? Can you tell me about that?" And listen patiently. Don't get mad. Don't be surprised if she can't explain why (she may simply be afraid to tell you). Stay curious. Stay calm. Encourage open communication. You want her to feel comfortable telling you about what she is doing. You want her developing the critical thinking skills to examine and explain her own behavior.

Then, again, set clear and consistent expectations for her behavior. Candy stays on the shelf in the kitchen. You can have some sometimes after dinner. You need to ask mom and dad before taking any candy. Expect to repeat these rules over and over until she gets it.

Same with the stealing at school. Stay curious. Ask questions. Stay calm. Don't yell. Don't punish. Encourage her to talk about and explain what's going on. The more she trusts you and the better her communication skills, the more likely she is to just come to you and say "My friends at school have lip balm. Can I have some?" Or "I love eating chocolate chips when we're baking! Can I have some now as a treat?" It will take time. She is very young. She needs you to teach her these skills.

[Anonymous]

All of this around making food taboo. Restrictions make it all the more enticing.
- Former fat kid

[Anonymous]

Stop yelling at her.

Do not just start adding sweets and candy at dinner that's a recipe for disaster in the future.


This isn't a food issue. Your kid has a behavioral issue talk to the pediatrician or behavioral therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child is taking candy and sweets because she wants them. They are sweet and taste good and she likes them. She isn't "stealing" them -- she does not yet have the capacity to understand that concept of ownership or to recognize her behavior as wrong.

And she is lying about it because she knows you are mad about it and will punish her. The fact that you sometimes punish her and other times give her what she wants likely confuses her further and makes her more likely to lie. She wants to please you and give you the "right" answer to your questions. So when you say "Did you take the cough drops?" in an angry voice that makes it clear that taking the cough drops is bad, she will say "No" because that is the "right" answer. The fact that it's not true isn't really occurring to her. As with the assignment of "stealing" she doesn't really know what lying is at this stage. Kids may up stories all the time. They don't know very much about the world. They are testing out ideas and seeing if they are correct. You are holding her to a much older child's standard of right and wrong and she is way too young to understand it.

You need to talk to her about her behavior. Don't focus on punishment and don't shame her or use loaded language. If she takes something she is not supposed to have, take it back and put it where it goes, and gently explain why she can't have it ("Cough drops are for when a grown up has a sore throat. They are not for kids and they are only for someone with a hurt throat.") Expect to do this more than once. You must reinforce new concepts with small children.

When asking your child questions about her behavior, try to stay curious and to not attach moral judgments to it. Don't ask her accusingly if she is hiding candy. Say gently "I see that you put some candy under your bed? Can you tell me about that?" And listen patiently. Don't get mad. Don't be surprised if she can't explain why (she may simply be afraid to tell you). Stay curious. Stay calm. Encourage open communication. You want her to feel comfortable telling you about what she is doing. You want her developing the critical thinking skills to examine and explain her own behavior.

Then, again, set clear and consistent expectations for her behavior. Candy stays on the shelf in the kitchen. You can have some sometimes after dinner. You need to ask mom and dad before taking any candy. Expect to repeat these rules over and over until she gets it.

Same with the stealing at school. Stay curious. Ask questions. Stay calm. Don't yell. Don't punish. Encourage her to talk about and explain what's going on. The more she trusts you and the better her communication skills, the more likely she is to just come to you and say "My friends at school have lip balm. Can I have some?" Or "I love eating chocolate chips when we're baking! Can I have some now as a treat?" It will take time. She is very young. She needs you to teach her these skills.

Thanks to everyone who responded, and particularly this poster. I felt calmer and less frantic just reading it. I’ll give your terrific advice a shot.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say I’m doing the same thing right now and I’m 40. It’s an anxious time, ya know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop yelling at her.

Do not just start adding sweets and candy at dinner that's a recipe for disaster in the future.


This isn't a food issue. Your kid has a behavioral issue talk to the pediatrician or behavioral therapist.

Dont take this advice. This sounds like another parent who has the same issue because of restrictive diets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you doing a lot of restrictive eating at home? Hiding, banning, "we don't eat x,y,z" etc?

If so, stop it. You're creating the taboo. So of course she's hiding.

- your 4 year old who's now a 40 year old, and it took me 33 years to undo the excessive "healthy eating" message and shame my parents forced us to adopt.

I'm 48 and *still*l have impulses to hide food and binge eat when I am home alone. My model-thin mother would restrict food and then shame me as a kid for any perceived overindulgences. I have an anorexic sister and an obese sister...go figure. I'm fit, but damn if it hasn't been a mind-trap trying to get over the childhood stuff.

[Anonymous]

Please please please look into Ellyn Satter Institute, read some of their blogs and books if you can, and/or find an ESI trained dietician. Look for Intuitive Eating certified dieticians/practices as a starting point if you can't directly find one from ESI.

Handling this correctly is vital. It truly can make or break eating disorders how you handle this. And a lot of parenting advice out there is wrong. Lots of dieticians are ill informed. ESI is the only one I recommend on this issue.

[Anonymous]

This seems extreme but have your ped check her blood sugar and A1C. My niece hid sweets right before her diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems extreme but have your ped check her blood sugar and A1C. My niece hid sweets right before her diagnosis.

Hit submit too soon. She is a Type 1 diabetic