4 yo hiding candy in her room and lying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4 yo who this week hid and ate cough drops in her room and yesterday his and ate Halloween candy in her room (she had an allotment of 4 pieces at night and ate a couple pieces at a Halloween candy hunt we went to during the day). Last year she had a week right before schools shut where she took snacks and lip balm from her classmates cubbies when she thought no one was watching. When she was 2 she got up before the rest of us to take chocolate chips into her room and my diet peach Snapple.

We have talked to her, yelled at her, given her consequences, gotten her things she covets, and still this behavior seems to continue in bursts. Any advice or suggestions?

It's one damn day a year so let her eat what she wants. Children who hide food and eat it secrectly are not getting enough to eat and this is your fault. Feed your child!

[Anonymous]

This is SO familiar.

My mom was weird about food and didn’t serve large enough portions or sufficient fat and protein. I was wild for sugar, probably because I was always a little hungry, and I would sneak cough drops, sugar cubes, sugar for baking, and anything else I could find. I definitely tried flavored lip balm in the hopes that it would taste good. If we had cookies in the house for a holiday but I was caught eating them, I’d be scolded and shamed.

My daughter has mostly unlimited access to candy and can have a piece per day of candy from school parties/Halloween/Easter/Valentine’s day, plus random cookies or sweet food. She often forgets about the candy and we throw it out when the next holiday comes around or it becomes stale. There is always enough and she isn’t crazed for it the way I was. On the other hand, I’m 41 and I still can’t eat properly and I’m weird about overshopping for groceries and impulse-buying food.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is most likely going to be a heavy girl who overheats. Accept it. Not the end of the world. Some people are just like this.

[Anonymous]

This is on you, OP. A 4 year old doesn't have much impulse control. Their prefrontal cortex is still developing. If you don't want them sneaking candy or drinks or whatever, they need to be out of reach.

I also second the recommendation for the Ellyn Satter Institute

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child is taking candy and sweets because she wants them. They are sweet and taste good and she likes them. She isn't "stealing" them -- she does not yet have the capacity to understand that concept of ownership or to recognize her behavior as wrong.

And she is lying about it because she knows you are mad about it and will punish her. The fact that you sometimes punish her and other times give her what she wants likely confuses her further and makes her more likely to lie. She wants to please you and give you the "right" answer to your questions. So when you say "Did you take the cough drops?" in an angry voice that makes it clear that taking the cough drops is bad, she will say "No" because that is the "right" answer. The fact that it's not true isn't really occurring to her. As with the assignment of "stealing" she doesn't really know what lying is at this stage. Kids may up stories all the time. They don't know very much about the world. They are testing out ideas and seeing if they are correct. You are holding her to a much older child's standard of right and wrong and she is way too young to understand it.

You need to talk to her about her behavior. Don't focus on punishment and don't shame her or use loaded language. If she takes something she is not supposed to have, take it back and put it where it goes, and gently explain why she can't have it ("Cough drops are for when a grown up has a sore throat. They are not for kids and they are only for someone with a hurt throat.") Expect to do this more than once. You must reinforce new concepts with small children.

When asking your child questions about her behavior, try to stay curious and to not attach moral judgments to it. Don't ask her accusingly if she is hiding candy. Say gently "I see that you put some candy under your bed? Can you tell me about that?" And listen patiently. Don't get mad. Don't be surprised if she can't explain why (she may simply be afraid to tell you). Stay curious. Stay calm. Encourage open communication. You want her to feel comfortable telling you about what she is doing. You want her developing the critical thinking skills to examine and explain her own behavior.

Then, again, set clear and consistent expectations for her behavior. Candy stays on the shelf in the kitchen. You can have some sometimes after dinner. You need to ask mom and dad before taking any candy. Expect to repeat these rules over and over until she gets it.

Same with the stealing at school. Stay curious. Ask questions. Stay calm. Don't yell. Don't punish. Encourage her to talk about and explain what's going on. The more she trusts you and the better her communication skills, the more likely she is to just come to you and say "My friends at school have lip balm. Can I have some?" Or "I love eating chocolate chips when we're baking! Can I have some now as a treat?" It will take time. She is very young. She needs you to teach her these skills.

Brilliant advice!

[Anonymous]

The weirdest part of your post is that you included a random incident of her eating some chocolate chips when she was two. It’s as if you think you have a food psycho on your hands because twice in her lifetime she has eaten sweets in her room. Jesus H. Christ. Please try to unwind your tensions around food and eating for pleasure before you destroy any possibility of a normal relationship with food for this kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4 yo who this week hid and ate cough drops in her room and yesterday his and ate Halloween candy in her room (she had an allotment of 4 pieces at night and ate a couple pieces at a Halloween candy hunt we went to during the day). Last year she had a week right before schools shut where she took snacks and lip balm from her classmates cubbies when she thought no one was watching. When she was 2 she got up before the rest of us to take chocolate chips into her room and my diet peach Snapple.

We have talked to her, yelled at her, given her consequences, gotten her things she covets, and still this behavior seems to continue in bursts. Any advice or suggestions?

Your eating drama is spilling over to your kid. Stealing cough drops for the sugar is pretty deep. I suggest you get some professional help to figure out what to do. Someone mentioned Ellyn Satter - she has several books and a website. Get some help before this turns into something else.

[Anonymous]

Don't restrict candy and certainly do not tell her she has 4 pieces of candy per day. What an idiotic thing to do!
There is a way to do this without telling your kids, she can only have 4. You created this crap and now you are wondering?

[Anonymous]

You yelled at her for eating chocolate? What the FFFF is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

My son is a tween but has always ALWAYS had a huge sweet tooth. He also loves fruits and veggies and breads and isn't a big fan of fatty or bad for you main-foods in general. If we have blackberries and sour patch kids, he eats the blackberries first...then the candy...then drinks a glass of milk with a piece of bread when I gripe hime to get some real nutrition and calls it lunch. He will happily eat salad or lentil soup or a turkey sandwich or homemade mac and cheese or chili if I make it (and sometimes he does), but 99% of the time he just loves candy and soda. Thin, athletic, smart as a whip, and mostly a good kid, I so sometimes see candy wrappers around the house in odd places even though we do not restrict or shame, and that seems odd to me. We do often say "Jeez - enough candy today!" or "No soda today, drink a Sprindrift" and he does.

Some kids just have a strong "treat yourself" personality. Mine definitely does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is SO familiar.

My mom was weird about food and didn’t serve large enough portions or sufficient fat and protein. I was wild for sugar, probably because I was always a little hungry, and I would sneak cough drops, sugar cubes, sugar for baking, and anything else I could find. I definitely tried flavored lip balm in the hopes that it would taste good. If we had cookies in the house for a holiday but I was caught eating them, I’d be scolded and shamed.

My daughter has mostly unlimited access to candy and can have a piece per day of candy from school parties/Halloween/Easter/Valentine’s day, plus random cookies or sweet food. She often forgets about the candy and we throw it out when the next holiday comes around or it becomes stale. There is always enough and she isn’t crazed for it the way I was. On the other hand, I’m 41 and I still can’t eat properly and I’m weird about overshopping for groceries and impulse-buying food.

Listen to this pp, op! She knows what you are doing to your child with your insane behavior.

[Anonymous]

It looks like you are projecting your disordered eating habits and opinions onto your dd. You are mad she drank your Snapple? She had chocolate two years ago?
Who remembers that her kids snuck some chocolate chips two years ago? Do you have an eating disorder op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is SO familiar.

My mom was weird about food and didn’t serve large enough portions or sufficient fat and protein. I was wild for sugar, probably because I was always a little hungry, and I would sneak cough drops, sugar cubes, sugar for baking, and anything else I could find. I definitely tried flavored lip balm in the hopes that it would taste good. If we had cookies in the house for a holiday but I was caught eating them, I’d be scolded and shamed.

My daughter has mostly unlimited access to candy and can have a piece per day of candy from school parties/Halloween/Easter/Valentine’s day, plus random cookies or sweet food. She often forgets about the candy and we throw it out when the next holiday comes around or it becomes stale. There is always enough and she isn’t crazed for it the way I was. On the other hand, I’m 41 and I still can’t eat properly and I’m weird about overshopping for groceries and impulse-buying food.

If I wasn't an only child, I would think you were my sister! I once ate a Dr Pepper flavored chapstick.

[Anonymous]

This is an unusual thread DCUM thread. Parents should give preschooler unlimited access to candy? Did the usual parents (we do not eat processed foods ever) take the day off?

[Anonymous]

OP, she seems overly motivated by food (I have the opposite problem, a skinny kid who forgets to eat). She's either not eating enough, wants the forbidden, or may be diabetic or have another disorder. You should figure out the cause, even if it probably won't be easy.

Then, recognize she is behaving in a developmentally appropriate way. She is going for what she wants, and she's being quite smart about it. If she was sneaking sugar at 2 years old, I give her big props for intelligence!

Have you spoken to her doctor about it?

My biggest piece of advice is not to scold or punish her. What good is that doing? She already knows you don't want her to eat sugar? She seems to not be able to help herself. It doesn't mean she is a bad kid. It also doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong per se. But this is an issue you will have to work out, and there may not be a quick fix.