Reply to 4 yo hiding candy in her room and lying

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[quote=Anonymous]Your child is taking candy and sweets because she wants them. They are sweet and taste good and she likes them. She isn't "stealing" them -- she does not yet have the capacity to understand that concept of ownership or to recognize her behavior as wrong.

And she is lying about it because she knows you are mad about it and will punish her. The fact that you sometimes punish her and other times give her what she wants likely confuses her further and makes her more likely to lie. She wants to please you and give you the "right" answer to your questions. So when you say "Did you take the cough drops?" in an angry voice that makes it clear that taking the cough drops is bad, she will say "No" because that is the "right" answer. The fact that it's not true isn't really occurring to her. As with the assignment of "stealing" she doesn't really know what lying is at this stage. Kids may up stories all the time. They don't know very much about the world. They are testing out ideas and seeing if they are correct. You are holding her to a much older child's standard of right and wrong and she is way too young to understand it.

You need to talk to her about her behavior. Don't focus on punishment and don't shame her or use loaded language. If she takes something she is not supposed to have, take it back and put it where it goes, and gently explain why she can't have it ("Cough drops are for when a grown up has a sore throat. They are not for kids and they are only for someone with a hurt throat.") Expect to do this more than once. You must reinforce new concepts with small children.

When asking your child questions about her behavior, try to stay curious and to not attach moral judgments to it. Don't ask her accusingly if she is hiding candy. Say gently "I see that you put some candy under your bed? Can you tell me about that?" And listen patiently. Don't get mad. Don't be surprised if she can't explain why (she may simply be afraid to tell you). Stay curious. Stay calm. Encourage open communication. You want her to feel comfortable telling you about what she is doing. You want her developing the critical thinking skills to examine and explain her own behavior.

Then, again, set clear and consistent expectations for her behavior. Candy stays on the shelf in the kitchen. You can have some sometimes after dinner. You need to ask mom and dad before taking any candy. Expect to repeat these rules over and over until she gets it.

Same with the stealing at school. Stay curious. Ask questions. Stay calm. Don't yell. Don't punish. Encourage her to talk about and explain what's going on. The more she trusts you and the better her communication skills, the more likely she is to just come to you and say "My friends at school have lip balm. Can I have some?" Or "I love eating chocolate chips when we're baking! Can I have some now as a treat?" It will take time. She is very young. She needs you to teach her these skills.[/quote]

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