4 yo hiding candy in her room and lying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an unusual thread DCUM thread. Parents should give preschooler unlimited access to candy? Did the usual parents (we do not eat processed foods ever) take the day off?

No, no, the DCUM common denominator is "the OP is always wrong." That's followed by "PPs that agree with OP are also wrong."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is taking candy and sweets because she wants them. They are sweet and taste good and she likes them. She isn't "stealing" them -- she does not yet have the capacity to understand that concept of ownership or to recognize her behavior as wrong.

And she is lying about it because she knows you are mad about it and will punish her. The fact that you sometimes punish her and other times give her what she wants likely confuses her further and makes her more likely to lie. She wants to please you and give you the "right" answer to your questions. So when you say "Did you take the cough drops?" in an angry voice that makes it clear that taking the cough drops is bad, she will say "No" because that is the "right" answer. The fact that it's not true isn't really occurring to her. As with the assignment of "stealing" she doesn't really know what lying is at this stage. Kids may up stories all the time. They don't know very much about the world. They are testing out ideas and seeing if they are correct. You are holding her to a much older child's standard of right and wrong and she is way too young to understand it.

You need to talk to her about her behavior. Don't focus on punishment and don't shame her or use loaded language. If she takes something she is not supposed to have, take it back and put it where it goes, and gently explain why she can't have it ("Cough drops are for when a grown up has a sore throat. They are not for kids and they are only for someone with a hurt throat.") Expect to do this more than once. You must reinforce new concepts with small children.

When asking your child questions about her behavior, try to stay curious and to not attach moral judgments to it. Don't ask her accusingly if she is hiding candy. Say gently "I see that you put some candy under your bed? Can you tell me about that?" And listen patiently. Don't get mad. Don't be surprised if she can't explain why (she may simply be afraid to tell you). Stay curious. Stay calm. Encourage open communication. You want her to feel comfortable telling you about what she is doing. You want her developing the critical thinking skills to examine and explain her own behavior.

Then, again, set clear and consistent expectations for her behavior. Candy stays on the shelf in the kitchen. You can have some sometimes after dinner. You need to ask mom and dad before taking any candy. Expect to repeat these rules over and over until she gets it.

Same with the stealing at school. Stay curious. Ask questions. Stay calm. Don't yell. Don't punish. Encourage her to talk about and explain what's going on. The more she trusts you and the better her communication skills, the more likely she is to just come to you and say "My friends at school have lip balm. Can I have some?" Or "I love eating chocolate chips when we're baking! Can I have some now as a treat?" It will take time. She is very young. She needs you to teach her these skills.

Brilliant advice!

Agree! I strive to be this kind of parent.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe you yelled at your four year old for...being a four year old. You have way bigger problems here than some Halloween candy. Please take a parenting class. Her brain isn't developed yet. She literally can't understand why lying or stealing is bad. On tops of that, four year olds like candy. Please, please make some changes before you do lasting damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an unusual thread DCUM thread. Parents should give preschooler unlimited access to candy? Did the usual parents (we do not eat processed foods ever) take the day off?

No, no, the DCUM common denominator is "the OP is always wrong." That's followed by "PPs that agree with OP are also wrong."

I think it's timing. It's post-Halloween and all the pro-restriction parents are busy switch-witching, hiding candy, negotiating with small children over candy...

[Anonymous]

When she had 2 pieces at the Halloween thing, did you subtract those from her nightly allotment, or did she get six that day?
You might be way over policing her food.

Also, a 2 year old snagging chocolate chips. And you bring it up 2 years later.

[Anonymous]

Seconding what others have said Hiding or sneaking food is almost always related to feeling restricted (unless there is a hx of pretty significant trauma/abuse). Everyone else has hit the nail on the head but I also wanted to share two easy resources I would follow kids eat in color on instagram (and look at some of her highlights) and Big Little Feelings (and look at their highlight on feeding) and start trying some of those approaches. They will teach you some ways to try these new approaches.

And to add to one of the other posters, I would try not asking questions if you know or are very certain of the answer, because like they said it's very very normal for kids to then say "no" out of kind of fear. Really, really normal. So it will be more helpful for all of you to not get in that situation, just gently say "sweetie I saw you took some candy to your room, you must have been hungry or really wanting that candy today - let's have some candy with dinner tonight okay?" So no shame, increasing access, and letting her know you know about the candy but not asking her to "admit it" because kids are just generally horrible at this - they will self preserve and don't think of it as lying, it's not intentional in that way. But it can feel very hurtful as a parent and then we get even more escalated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The weirdest part of your post is that you included a random incident of her eating some chocolate chips when she was two. It’s as if you think you have a food psycho on your hands because twice in her lifetime she has eaten sweets in her room. Jesus H. Christ. Please try to unwind your tensions around food and eating for pleasure before you destroy any possibility of a normal relationship with food for this kid.

I don’t think it’s weird at all. My kid did something similar starting at 2 and it was a pattern related to his personality. We didn’t think he was a food psycho, we just had to handle it differently than with his sibling.

As a tween, he has still has a wicked sweet tooth but no longer hides candy.

[Anonymous]

I did all of these things as a child and I don’t think it’s about your parenting at all. It’s biological. I have always and will always struggle with sugar, just like an alcoholic.

Ime the best thing you can do is not have any sweets in the house except when you’re eating them. So the Halloween candy gets eaten for two days and then thrown out. Chocolate chips don’t stay in the pantry, they get bought for baking day and then discarded. It’s way too much to ask her to know they’re there but not eat them at this age. Help her by removing the temptation, don’t punish her for giving in to it.

The other thing that works for me is having frequent, low carb snacks. So nuts, cheese, etc. I have to stay ahead of the clock. And i do better when my meals are weighted towards protein and fat and good carbs (eg peas, sweet potatoes etc. I can have pasta/bread/whatever but it has to be outweighed by the other things).

As she gets older, I think it’s a better strategy to just talk openly about sugar and how it makes us feel in the moment and long term, and how it affects our health rather than try to box in her behavior with consequences. You might not succeed but you almost certainly won’t succeed trying to continue as you’re going.

Nature Valley protein bars have chocolate and are sweet, but they’re mostly peanuts and they don’t spike my blood sugar. You could try those as a great option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did all of these things as a child and I don’t think it’s about your parenting at all. It’s biological. I have always and will always struggle with sugar, just like an alcoholic.

Ime the best thing you can do is not have any sweets in the house except when you’re eating them. So the Halloween candy gets eaten for two days and then thrown out. Chocolate chips don’t stay in the pantry, they get bought for baking day and then discarded. It’s way too much to ask her to know they’re there but not eat them at this age. Help her by removing the temptation, don’t punish her for giving in to it.

The other thing that works for me is having frequent, low carb snacks. So nuts, cheese, etc. I have to stay ahead of the clock. And i do better when my meals are weighted towards protein and fat and good carbs (eg peas, sweet potatoes etc. I can have pasta/bread/whatever but it has to be outweighed by the other things).

As she gets older, I think it’s a better strategy to just talk openly about sugar and how it makes us feel in the moment and long term, and how it affects our health rather than try to box in her behavior with consequences. You might not succeed but you almost certainly won’t succeed trying to continue as you’re going.

Nature Valley protein bars have chocolate and are sweet, but they’re mostly peanuts and they don’t spike my blood sugar. You could try those as a great option.

That is a lot of baggage projecting on a four-year-old that ate a couple of pieces of candy. You clearly know you have a disorder, but yet you think you should give advice on parenting a 4-year old that you know nothing about?

[Anonymous]

So, once a year your DD has some sugar stealing criminal acts? Once at 2, once at 3, and the terrible incident now, plus drinking your Snapple? Who cares that she took a sip of your Snapple! How is it ok for you to forbid it to her but drink it in front of her? What disorders thinking is this?
Why do you think she drank your Snapple? Why is it ok for you to have it but not for her? She wanted to imitate her mommy.
And no to some pp, most of us are not saying allow your kid to eat sweets 12 hours out of 24. We are saying stop being insane, keeping a tab on something that happened two years ago. No doubt her dd lied about something else other than food, but OP is bean-counting that 4 years old misbehaved around sugar, three times in 4 years?
Oh my, must act now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did all of these things as a child and I don’t think it’s about your parenting at all. It’s biological. I have always and will always struggle with sugar, just like an alcoholic.

Ime the best thing you can do is not have any sweets in the house except when you’re eating them. So the Halloween candy gets eaten for two days and then thrown out. Chocolate chips don’t stay in the pantry, they get bought for baking day and then discarded. It’s way too much to ask her to know they’re there but not eat them at this age. Help her by removing the temptation, don’t punish her for giving in to it.

The other thing that works for me is having frequent, low carb snacks. So nuts, cheese, etc. I have to stay ahead of the clock. And i do better when my meals are weighted towards protein and fat and good carbs (eg peas, sweet potatoes etc. I can have pasta/bread/whatever but it has to be outweighed by the other things).

As she gets older, I think it’s a better strategy to just talk openly about sugar and how it makes us feel in the moment and long term, and how it affects our health rather than try to box in her behavior with consequences. You might not succeed but you almost certainly won’t succeed trying to continue as you’re going.

Nature Valley protein bars have chocolate and are sweet, but they’re mostly peanuts and they don’t spike my blood sugar. You could try those as a great option.

That is a lot of baggage projecting on a four-year-old that ate a couple of pieces of candy. You clearly know you have a disorder, but yet you think you should give advice on parenting a 4-year old that you know nothing about?

op please don't listen to the original pp here. I have empathy for that pp, because I used to be them, thinking i just had some biological craving for sugar that was more than others and I had to CONTROL MYSELF. but the fact that you did all of this as a young child pp (I did too) is not a sign that you have an inherent problem! It's a sign that your parents were RESTRICTING YOU. and restriction leads to overeating of the thing restricted. So you are still restricting yourself as an adult (I did too) so you still think that you just can't control yourself. Sorry, this gets me firey because many of us have been convinced to think this way and it is so detrimental and doesn't actually lead to healthy eating. Research says that lowering restriction along with other efforts to listen to ones body would help the situation not hurt, so I hope the op will heed that advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop yelling at her.

Do not just start adding sweets and candy at dinner that's a recipe for disaster in the future.


This isn't a food issue. Your kid has a behavioral issue talk to the pediatrician or behavioral therapist.

Bull. I was this kid and I just really, really liked food and sweets. Still do, I just have a lot more self control. There was no need for a "behavioral therapist". No dramatic underlying issue. Etc. The only behavioral issues were on the part of my parents, whose worst fear was having a child in my UMC family that was omg FAT.
OP don't quiz, grill and humiliate your kid over some cough drops or for going over her 2 candy allotment. Only makes it worse and only makes it a lifelong problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is SO familiar.

My mom was weird about food and didn’t serve large enough portions or sufficient fat and protein. I was wild for sugar, probably because I was always a little hungry, and I would sneak cough drops, sugar cubes, sugar for baking, and anything else I could find. I definitely tried flavored lip balm in the hopes that it would taste good. If we had cookies in the house for a holiday but I was caught eating them, I’d be scolded and shamed.

My daughter has mostly unlimited access to candy and can have a piece per day of candy from school parties/Halloween/Easter/Valentine’s day, plus random cookies or sweet food. She often forgets about the candy and we throw it out when the next holiday comes around or it becomes stale. There is always enough and she isn’t crazed for it the way I was. On the other hand, I’m 41 and I still can’t eat properly and I’m weird about overshopping for groceries and impulse-buying food.

Yeah, this is what I did, too. I also had food issues from my childhood and was always denied food, so I became a really terrible emotional eater. My 7 year old can eat her Halloween or Easter candy within reason (I don't set a firm limit) but she's also required to eat her healthy dinner and veggies before she's allowed dessert. We were at an outdoor playdate/birthday party this weekend and she was the only kid who didn't eat her whole cupcake. I usually have to toss out her Easter or Halloween candy after a few months because she just loses interest.

I'm not gonna claim we don't have our issues, but I've tried hard to make sure that food isn't a reward or a treat, it's just a fact of life. I'm also not sure I'd land on a 4-year-old for anything food related right now. Too young to know what s/he is doing.