How much praise and affection did you receive as a child?

[Anonymous]

I know I have a cold and distant mother. I have no memories of her hugging me beyond my toddler years or giving me any basic praise ex) great job after a sporting event or grades etc. I was always met with blank stares or annoyance. I don’t even remember a hug or acknowledgement after my HS or college graduations. However I do have so many memories of my mom smothering my brother with praise and affection. Now as I’m in 40’s I feel very uncomfortable when my mom tried to hug me and her acknowledgements feel insincere. Now that I’m a mother I realize how this was not normal. I give my kids countless hugs a day and are always snuggling.

[Anonymous]

None.

[Anonymous]

Tons. I still get hugs as an adult from them even though I see them all the time. I also know how proud they are of me.


I try to do the same for my kids.

[Anonymous]

I was starved for affection as a child. My mom was not demonstrative at all, no hugging, no kissing, cuddling or just holding. I can't remember being praised but to be fair I wasn't very good at anything.

It was a very sad way to grow up but I turned out to be an affectionate person as did all my sister's.

[Anonymous]

Zero

[Anonymous]

None, I don't remember my parents every saying I love you or good job, even at things like a college or grad school graduation. They bragged about my sibling but never me. My my didn't hug, kiss or do much. My dad was a bit more affectionate but my mom would get jealous.

We are very different.

[Anonymous]

None--my mom was extremely hands off and borderline neglectful.

[Anonymous]

Tons of affection. My parents weren't super-effusive with the praise, but they were unstinting with their love and affection. They told me they loved me every night at bedtime and were big on hugs.

[Anonymous]

I think my mom was affectionate when I was very young, as I have vague memories of it. I also have a few memories of my dad being affection back then as well. But my parents marriage became very rocky by the time I was 8, and my mom became incredibly depressed. I have few memories of love and affection from either of my parents between the age of 8 or 9 until I was an adult. I have a lot of memories of yelling and some physical violence, as well as a lot of sarcasm, bitterness, and irritation. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me because my family didn't seem to like me, much less love me. This was compounded by my older sister, who channelled her own unhappiness with our parents situation onto me, bullying and belittling me.

Like you, OP, I get really irritated when my parents are affectionate now. I live far away from them, and they will often say how sad it makes them that I don't live closer and how they wish they could be a bigger part of my kids' lives. It's very triggering for me. They are very doting grandparents and I hate it, and I hate that I hate it. Becoming a mother sort of exploded a lot of long-repressed memories about my childhood and it's been so challenging to work through them while under the stress of parenting.

But at least I love my kids and they know it. I'm not a perfect mom, but I make sure they hear it every day and that we are always very affectionate. Also: therapy.

[Anonymous]

My parents' generation was messed up by the cultural revolution and they just never showed any physical affection. Since I was a straight A student, it's expected that I should do well and they didn't praise for every achievement. I used to recoil at my mom's touch b/c she was very heavy handed and what she thought was an affectionate tap was usually like a slap.

That said, I knew they loved me deeply and were proud of me. I initiated a lot of hugging in my teenage years. Later my parents started to get used to it and even my dad began to expect hugs every time. They also started to praise me more in my adulthood. For much of my childhood they were these super stern figures and only mellowed with age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tons. I still get hugs as an adult from them even though I see them all the time. I also know how proud they are of me.


I try to do the same for my kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Hardly ever. I can count on my hands the number of times they have hugged me and I know they never said “I love you.” My mom wouldn’t even tell us when people had prized us to her because she didn’t want us to get a big head as she put it. My parents are immigrants from South Asia. They didn’t feel comfortable showing emotions or affection with us or each other. I’ve made a pint to break away from that model with my own child.

[Anonymous]

None, parents never have said I love you, ever, middle class white family

[Anonymous]

NP. If you said that you received little or none and feel comfortable sharing, why do you think your parent(s) were that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my mom was affectionate when I was very young, as I have vague memories of it. I also have a few memories of my dad being affection back then as well. But my parents marriage became very rocky by the time I was 8, and my mom became incredibly depressed. I have few memories of love and affection from either of my parents between the age of 8 or 9 until I was an adult. I have a lot of memories of yelling and some physical violence, as well as a lot of sarcasm, bitterness, and irritation. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me because my family didn't seem to like me, much less love me. This was compounded by my older sister, who channelled her own unhappiness with our parents situation onto me, bullying and belittling me.

Like you, OP, I get really irritated when my parents are affectionate now. I live far away from them, and they will often say how sad it makes them that I don't live closer and how they wish they could be a bigger part of my kids' lives. It's very triggering for me. They are very doting grandparents and I hate it, and I hate that I hate it. Becoming a mother sort of exploded a lot of long-repressed memories about my childhood and it's been so challenging to work through them while under the stress of parenting.

But at least I love my kids and they know it. I'm not a perfect mom, but I make sure they hear it every day and that we are always very affectionate. Also: therapy.

My parents live 5 minutes away, pushed us to live close so they can help and they've never helped even once (now they are divorced) even in an emergency.