How much praise and affection did you receive as a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Zero. My mother seemed pretty annoyed by her children's existence. She had one golden child. The emotional neglect along with being hit with hands and belts, and some sexual molestation by an uncle resulted in me having depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

As an adult, seeing parents who are engaged, attentive, and affectionate with their kids really helps me. So thanks and my undying appreciation to all of you engaged parents.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you experienced. I hope you are doing well now.

[Anonymous]

Very little from my mom. She was always preoccupied. My dad gave more praise, and took us to do fun things....movies, ice skating, ice cream cones.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for none.

I think parenting was just different before. Kids were expected to be self-reliant, not coddled, not praised for every little thing. It's why we have adults now who don't know the meaning of hard work and expect to be praised for everything, including a job done badly.

[Anonymous]

I played baseball from age 11 to 18. My mother never came to a single game. Not one.

I didn't realize how f**ked that was until I had my own son.

[Anonymous]

Too much. I think my parents always took my side so it was a rough wake up call when I got into the real world and bosses, coworkers, and consequences were so unfair! I also think this contributed to my lack of ADHDdiagnosis until I was 28 because of course there couldn’t be anything wrong with me!

[Anonymous]

From mom, lots of praise and affection. Makes up for dad, who I didn’t like and didn’t realize exactly how mean a person he was until I started talking to friends about the things he’s said about me over the years. I always thought it was me but it’s him, he’s just a jerk and I don’t think many people like him. I have anger about it actually. And it doesn’t help that they are super conservative.

[Anonymous]

None from my mom. She was very critical - if I asked for help with homework, she’d tell me I was stupid and would threaten to hold me back a grade.

My dad is a very warm and affectionate person, but my parents divorced when I was young, and my mom constantly accused my dad of assaulting me. He never did, never would, mom was just an angry person. To this day she tries to convince my H that my dad and I have an incestuous relationship.

Mom also convinced me it was wrong for my dad to praise me, say I love you, hug me, etc (“that’s not normal! He’s only doing it so he can abuse you!”) so I got very uncomfortable whenever my dad did. Eventually he stopped.

Luckily my dad and I repaired our relationship. Which ended up driving my mom baths!t crazy and she lashed out at both of us and did some truly horrible things. I don’t speak to her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for none.

I think parenting was just different before. Kids were expected to be self-reliant, not coddled, not praised for every little thing. It's why we have adults now who don't know the meaning of hard work and expect to be praised for everything, including a job done badly.

So like...I don’t get this whole “hard work” thing.

The longest lived and healthiest people in the world don’t work hard. They have plenty of time for relaxation and socialization. They support each other and don’t demand everyone give every last drop they have towards “work”.

Personally, I’ve been way more productive since I gave up on busting my butt to make money for other people, and instead gave myself plenty of time to rest and recharge.

I’ve managed younger people who wanted praise, so I gave it to them. I showed appreciation and understanding. It took almost zero effort on my end, they were happier and better workers, we had stronger relationships. I certainly don’t want the people under me to be stressed out or feel unappreciated.

I kinda feel like this whole idea of “hard work” was made up by a few people at the top to justify exploiting their workers. It’s not a natural state for humans to be constantly working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for none.

I think parenting was just different before. Kids were expected to be self-reliant, not coddled, not praised for every little thing. It's why we have adults now who don't know the meaning of hard work and expect to be praised for everything, including a job done badly.

So like...I don’t get this whole “hard work” thing.

The longest lived and healthiest people in the world don’t work hard. They have plenty of time for relaxation and socialization. They support each other and don’t demand everyone give every last drop they have towards “work”.

Personally, I’ve been way more productive since I gave up on busting my butt to make money for other people, and instead gave myself plenty of time to rest and recharge.

I’ve managed younger people who wanted praise, so I gave it to them. I showed appreciation and understanding. It took almost zero effort on my end, they were happier and better workers, we had stronger relationships. I certainly don’t want the people under me to be stressed out or feel unappreciated.

I kinda feel like this whole idea of “hard work” was made up by a few people at the top to justify exploiting their workers. It’s not a natural state for humans to be constantly working.

+1

I was raised with the first PP’s attitude— the idea that praise or affection is “coddling”, and that it is weak and embarrassing to need it.

When I entered adulthood, I had no faith in myself and a profound fear of failure. It’s not so much that I demanded praise as that I worried constantly that I would mess up and that would mean I was worthless and lazy. I had to construct a sense of self worth myself, from scratch, to get to a point where I could feel confident in my abilities and not stress all the time. But that included having people in my life who would praise me and not just constantly criticize me or label me as lazy.

Now I’m older and I can see that so often what people think is Millenials being entitled is actually an expression of anxiety. They weren’t “over praised” as children. They were handed extremely high expectations for success and learned to link their self-worth to those signifiers of success. They actually need praise, but not if their accomplishments— they need to hear that they have inherent value as people, that it’s ok to fail, and that they will still have a place in the community even if they don’t have lots if outward signifiers if success. They aren’t entitled. They’re insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for none.

I think parenting was just different before. Kids were expected to be self-reliant, not coddled, not praised for every little thing. It's why we have adults now who don't know the meaning of hard work and expect to be praised for everything, including a job done badly.

So like...I don’t get this whole “hard work” thing.

The longest lived and healthiest people in the world don’t work hard. They have plenty of time for relaxation and socialization. They support each other and don’t demand everyone give every last drop they have towards “work”.

Personally, I’ve been way more productive since I gave up on busting my butt to make money for other people, and instead gave myself plenty of time to rest and recharge.

I’ve managed younger people who wanted praise, so I gave it to them. I showed appreciation and understanding. It took almost zero effort on my end, they were happier and better workers, we had stronger relationships. I certainly don’t want the people under me to be stressed out or feel unappreciated.

I kinda feel like this whole idea of “hard work” was made up by a few people at the top to justify exploiting their workers. It’s not a natural state for humans to be constantly working.

PP THANK YOU! Your comment about longest lived and healthiest people in the world not working hard---you may as well have just told me the world is round.

[Anonymous]

I received a lot, and I still do now in 30s. However, I receive a lot of criticisms too . My mother praises us at the slightest opportunity, but she is not shy about telling you when you are wrong. I absolutely love her this about her.

[Anonymous]

Very little. I think my parents just had very high standards that my brother and I could not meet. I got straight As and went to an Ivy League school but my mom was just a naturally critical person and my dad was an academic (think chemistry professor at CalTech) that naturally made him unimpressed with most mere mortals since he was used to hanging out with people who were academically brilliant. There was no sense of "we all have talents and strengths and you will find your niche" it was more of "there is one way to succeed and it is academic success." I remember seeing this poem up on a wall in my elementary school and thinking, wow if this is true, I am screwed http://www.empowermentresources.com/info2/childrenlearn-long_version.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None from my father, what felt like fake or insincere proclamations from my mother. I also felt like she was jealous of me and my view of the world because I was outgoing and independent from a very young age and she was scared of the world.

I have not talked to my mother for 13+ years. My father is thankfully dead.

I have learned from their parenting how not to be a parent.

"Thankfully dead"? Troll.

[Anonymous]

Not much. My mom would say "I love you" but she wasn't big on affection. She rarely told us she was proud of us or that we did a good job. She had high expectations and was pretty critical. Her parents were the same way. I know she loved me and was proud of me, just not sure why she couldn't tell me.

[Anonymous]

Not much that I remember.

I saw this post the other day and it made me think of the juxtapositions between the cruel/cold/hard parents and the loving/warm/proud parents:

Y'all REFUSE to be a safe haven for your children on some " the real world won't coddle them" bullsh*t. Of course it wont, that's why they need to learn what love looks like so they can recognize when they're being treated badly. Dont normalize pain and disappointment".

As a f/u to that post, someone responded: "These types of parents usually are their child(ren)'s first bully(ies)."