What are the most important and helpful things you did early in your divorce?

[Anonymous]

Spouse and I are formally starting the divorce process and should be able to reach settlement in mediation. I will remain in our home with the children and spouse will move into a new place nearby.

Legal and financial issues aside (those are in process), what are the most important things you did that first year? Self-care, reflection, new hobby, things with the kids, throwing yourself into work, anything you can think of -- anything at all that isn't related to lawyers.

I have that awful feeling of having nothing to look forward to. Just rudderless, dreading the winter and the possibility of another strict lockdown while solo parenting more than half the time, dreading the holidays, and simultaneously dreading and looking forward to every other weekend alone. I think I'll go from busy to bored very quickly.

I don't even know what I'm looking for. I just feel like garbage.

[Anonymous]

Dating. I know everyone will say don’t date, but it was awesome for me.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children, OP?

[Anonymous]

I turned to my parents. My dad along with me took care of all the legal issues and my mom all of the emotional issues. They are a true force of nature and they made everything pretty smooth. Find someone you can really rely on as a resource be it a family member or a close friend. It’s hard to be objective and logical when you are emotional and worried.

[Anonymous]

Go 100% no contact. This doesn't have to be cruel or with ill intent. But it helps you move on that much faster. It can be done, even with kids. Block him on every social media platform. Agree no phone calls unless it is an actual emergency regarding one of the kids. All other correspondence should be by email, and set his address to go into a folder that you can check at your own leisure. Correspondence should ONLY be about logistics related to the kids. Nothing else.

Change something about the house to make it newer to you. Paint a room, change the decor, something so every waking moment isn't a memory of things you did there as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go 100% no contact. This doesn't have to be cruel or with ill intent. But it helps you move on that much faster. It can be done, even with kids. Block him on every social media platform. Agree no phone calls unless it is an actual emergency regarding one of the kids. All other correspondence should be by email, and set his address to go into a folder that you can check at your own leisure. Correspondence should ONLY be about logistics related to the kids. Nothing else.

Change something about the house to make it newer to you. Paint a room, change the decor, something so every waking moment isn't a memory of things you did there as a family.

No contact yes

[Anonymous]

No contact? What if it isn’t contentious?

OP how old are the kids? Old enough to choose where to live or young? Are they in elementary, middle school or high school? Are they shocked?

Is this something YOU wanted?

Did you file or did he file?

[Anonymous]

Budget

Figure a few joys to indulge in for your first few weekends alone. They may feel odd at first, but you will come to enjoy them. Can be something as simple as sleeping in and eating cake for breakfast. Books you want to read.

Start thinking about what you want and value. Think about short and long term goals.

I wished I had prepped some meals up ahead of time. There was a feeling of complete exhaustion the first bit.

Try not to let all the rules slide with the kids out of guilt, it just makes it harder to reel things back in later.

[Anonymous]

Slept through the night without being awakened by his snoring. Went grocery shopping and bought all the food I loved that he didn't and cooked all my favorite foods without having to worry about his input. Read late into the night without having to worry about him complaining. Talked on the phone with my girlfriends for hours (again, without having to worry about him complaining). Planned fun things to do with my friends when it was his weekend with our kid. Purged a bunch of crap that was "ours" and replaced it with new things that were mine. Got rid of clothes he bought me and bought new clothes. The list goes on and on.

[Anonymous]

I made some (minor) changes around the house that I’d been wanting to do but we couldn’t agree on. I planned a trip with a girl friend to somewhere I’d always wanted to go.

[Anonymous]

Why are you getting divorced? How many years were you married?

[Anonymous]

Yes, no contact is important even if it isn't contentious. It forces you both to get used to the new normal, develop your own separate social circles, and gives you the space needed to emotionally move on. Maybe you can become more friendly later. But this is the best way to ensure the divorce stays free of drama.

[Anonymous]

Used a mediator and saved thousands.

[Anonymous]

Go out and sleep with as many women as I could.

[Anonymous]

Read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. Avoid wishful thinking and denial about the kids. Understand that your kids will process the divorce over many years and may feel differently about it at different times in their lives. Have realistic expectations and remember that while you can start a new romantic relationship, they will be adult children of divorce forever. They may be fine with it emotionally in time (or not), but the logistics will be a hassle forever.

Understand that you have no control over your ex's parenting. At all.