What are the most important and helpful things you did early in your divorce?
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Anonymous
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Work on your new life plan - things you want to do while the kids are with your ex, what you want to change around the house to make it "yours," where you want to be and what you want to accomplish personally/professionally/emotionally five years from now. There's a ton to look forward to! Return to old hobbies, find new hobbies, plans some trips - solo and with the kids, reinvigorate your career (or just take some initial steps to put you in position for when the kids are older). Join some Meetups or other groups to search for "your people." Create new family traditions. Try some mindfulness or a new exercise program. Listen to music you love (get some headphones or a new speaker if you need to). Think about how freeing it is to make decisions without your ex's involvement!
Now having said all that, absent a toxic or abusive ex, I think you're a jerk to go completely no contact and only look at communications at your leisure. I don't like my ex and yet I still communicate multiple times a week (by text) in order to deal with kid logistics. There are important things to communicate on a regular basis and I think its really unfair to the kids to put it on them to be the go-betweens, even if they're teens. |
Anonymous
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It was such a shock to go to every other week with no morning/evening responsibilities for my children.
I really wanted to use that new time in a way that I could look back and view as productive (career growth / gym / friendships / dating) vs. looking back a year later and seeing that I drank wine and watched Netflix. |
Anonymous
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I startEd doing all the things I wanted to do but couldn’t having the kids full time. I started exercising more and running was a huge stress relief. I lost 35 lbs and I got in better shape. I felt so much better about myself.
Daily gratitudes. Divorce made me question what was good in life. It’s easy to sink into the bad - how will holidays go, co-parenting is going to suck, and now I’m living solely on my income. Writing out three things I was grateful for every day help balance those negative thoughts. |
Anonymous
| Went through the "I am a failure, life sucks, I will never fall in love again" stage and it will sound like a cliche, but I became really involved with hiking and it changed my outlook and health. Also started to develop the mindset that although I am divorced, it's OK. Not like I committed a crime. |
Anonymous
I completely agree with this because that is what saved me. I actually had something to look forward to after 12 years of marriage. However, we are living in Covid times so I don’t know how likely this will be for you. I would say to enjoy the time you have that is your own. Sleep, eat, exercise etc....do whatever it is that makes you feel good. |
Anonymous
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I did not talk to my ex for almost half a year. We were so furious at each other and could not speak without screaming, so we just ... didn't. We passed notes back and forth via the kids. We really needed a break from each other. We literally sat next to each other at a school play and never spoke that night.
I did not date. Partially for me, but also for my kids. I was ready about 10 months after the divorce, but I could sense my kids hadn't given up hope we'd work things out and get back together. I needed to wait until they'd accepted this was permanent. |
Anonymous
| Got a boyfriend. I was over ex for a while by that point. |
Anonymous
| I moved to the other side of town so I could feel like I was actually starting over again. No awkward running into him in the store or anywhere else nearby. By moving another county over, I created my own space, and my own new identity. |
Anonymous
| Also, if you haven't already done it, purchase a new mattress. |
Anonymous
| Sleep with married women. |
Anonymous
Interesting. I tried a mediator and it failed and I ended up paying double what I should have paid. Since then, I've never met anyone for whom a mediator worked. And I'm talking dozens of people. The problem with mediation is that if it fails, you're back to ground zero and have to start from scratch. I highly recommend getting a good attorney to represent you. A good attorney will get things done fast for sometimes less than a mediator, especially if you don't have a very contentious divorce. Other helpful things: I agree with no contact. Also, I didn't date for several years but now I'm happily remarried. I'm glad I waited. I went to the gym a lot, saw a therapist, got pretty thin and fit, made new friends with other moms who were newly divorced or still in the divorce process, kept in touch with old friends, and asked for help when I needed it. My family was incredible. And I focused on my kids. Every bit of energy I had went into them. My heart was broken over them being part of a broken family, despite all my hopes and dreams for them to have a wonderful, easy childhood. They're both doing well now, but it still breaks my heart a bit. I'm going to reiterate that mediators didn't work for anyone I know. I'm sure some mediator will come on here and dispute this, but tread carefully. A reputable lawyer can get you through this fast, as long as you and your STBX don't start acting crazy (which sadly does happen a lot during divorce). Good luck! |
Anonymous
Same. Had a string of amazing sexual experiences that made it much easier to get.over.my divorce |
Anonymous
+1. It saved my sanity because my ex ‘came out’ and cheated etc. it was reassuring to find there are good people out there. Just be upfront because there people who believe you should not date anyone until 2 years post legal divorce. Plus during this time you must contemplate what a miserable partner you were. |
Anonymous
| Took a bunch of fun new classes, like pottery and tap. I don’t know how hard that is now, but I’m sure there are some outdoor ones until at least November. |
Anonymous
| Sex with new people was incredibly healing. |