I just learned about tribe gaslighting and more people should know about it!

[Anonymous]

I just read this blog post about "tribe gaslighting" and was kind of astounded because this EXACT thing has happened to me multiple times:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/guide-better-relationships/201811/gaslighting-tribe

Basically she is just talking about how groups will often gaslight on behalf of a narcissist, by refusing to acknowledge another person's experience with the narcissist. So they'll say things like "Oh, that's not my experience with her" or "I've never noticed him acting that way" instead of listening to what someone is saying.

I was in a workplace a few years back and this is exactly what happened. Our boss was incredibly inappropriate and boundary-violating with me. Stuff like: commenting on my personal life in the middle of staff meetings, criticizing my eating habits, making comments about how my clothes fit or how I wore my hair. Whenever I would bring it up with anyone else at work, they'd kind of shrug and say that they had never noticed it or that they didn't think that stuff was a big deal. It made me feel crazy and after I left that job I spent a lot of time thinking that I was the problem, that I was too sensitive and needed to get over stuff like this.

But this is what it was: tribe gaslighting. That boss was super inappropriate and probably should have been fired or, at a minimum, sent to an extensive training program to address this behavior. I can't believe I ever accepted any of it as normal.

Anyway, passing this along in case other people go through this. I wish I'd read this exact article years ago so that I would have understood what was going on and had a way of talking about it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it happens here in family/relationship forums all the time

[Anonymous]

When this happened to me, I went to a lawyer who wrote to him. I was offered a year's severence and a glowing reference. I accepted. He committed suicide a year later after murdering a hooker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When this happened to me, I went to a lawyer who wrote to him. I was offered a year's severence and a glowing reference. I accepted. He committed suicide a year later after murdering a hooker.

I'm sorry, but I need the 15 to 20 sentence version of this. The 3 sentence version is leaving me with strange feelings.

[Anonymous]

Happened with a supervisor I had. I left because it was not worth the stress. About a year later, there were several lawsuits against the company over his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When this happened to me, I went to a lawyer who wrote to him. I was offered a year's severence and a glowing reference. I accepted. He committed suicide a year later after murdering a hooker.

I'm sorry, but I need the 15 to 20 sentence version of this. The 3 sentence version is leaving me with strange feelings.

Oh my God me too. This is just not enough...need more story. And yay for getting away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When this happened to me, I went to a lawyer who wrote to him. I was offered a year's severence and a glowing reference. I accepted. He committed suicide a year later after murdering a hooker.

Was he a college professor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When this happened to me, I went to a lawyer who wrote to him. I was offered a year's severence and a glowing reference. I accepted. He committed suicide a year later after murdering a hooker.

I'm sorry, but I need the 15 to 20 sentence version of this. The 3 sentence version is leaving me with strange feelings.

Yeah, that was a powerful post!

[Anonymous]

Yup. They gaslight to protect the abuser and avoid getting fired.

[Anonymous]

Yup. They gaslight to protect the abuser and avoid getting fired.

Yeah, I'm not sure the rank-and-file workers in this scenario are even really "gaslighting," more trying to avoid the subject altogether. Not exactly profiles in courage, but it seems unlikely everyone would be affirmatively trying to "trick" you...

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's "tribe gaslighting" to protect the abuser. I think they're gaslighting you because the abuser holds power over them and they don't want to be the next victim after you leave.

[Anonymous]

Had it with a college prof. Alone, others would tell me things she said about me that made THEM uncomfortable. In front of her no one would address/acknowledge her public behaviour toward me. I get it. They needed their grades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's "tribe gaslighting" to protect the abuser. I think they're gaslighting you because the abuser holds power over them and they don't want to be the next victim after you leave.

Even if this is their motivation, it’s still gaslighting. Telling someone that the abuse they are experiencing is not real is gaslighting, even if you are doing it out of fear.

While I agree you can’t get that angry at people for doing this if they are afraid for their own jobs or well being, I agree with OP that it is something we should talk about. Gaslighting abuse victims is really problematic and makes it so much harder for people to speak up. Even just understanding this happens and having a name for it might help some people.

[Anonymous]

It may be gaslighting if they have witnessed the behavior too. Otherwise it’s just plain denial.

[Anonymous]

The thing about bullies is that they’re very careful about choosing who to pick on. I’ve known people who did treat different people very differently. If the other people witness the behavior and then deny it, that’s gaslighting. On the other hand, they may truly not be seeing that side of the person.