Judgement and guilt trips about relationship with abusive parent

[Anonymous]

If you have boundaries in place because you have a very abusive parent, how do you deal with the judgement from family or friends surrounding this? I feel like it's common. I don't even like to hint that I don't have a great relationship with my mom because most people judge me due to this, not taking in account she is severely abusive.

[Anonymous]

What? You'll tell your friends about your boundaries but won't tell them it's because your mother was abusive? That's stupid.

[Anonymous]

Are you in the therapy? I'd think that is a great place to explore this.

[Anonymous]

OP I hear you. I had one relative say "Everyone's abuuuuused now. People are such wimps. It's not liked you were beaten every day. Get over it."

You have to let go of a lot of things. It doesn't matter if people judge you and think you are the bad one. It's often the more religious people who feel the need to judge IME and God teaches us not to do that so there's that. Denial and gaslighting are real and it tell you about the person doing it. They are letting you know what is in the heart. Do you really care what someone with a cruel heart thinks of you? Sometimes it's just ignorance and naivite and we have all been there. In that case forgive them and hope life helps them to be more empathetic.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I actually don't get into too much family history, even with close friends. I just don't really like to talk about it. Sometimes I will mention at the most that mother is Borderline Personality or not very nice. But I have just found people to be extremely judgemental if you are a daughter and don't have a good relationship. It is almost like there is no excuse for this. I don't know how to say she has faked that she has a terminal illness and calls and says I deserve for my kids to die and that's why we are not close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually don't get into too much family history, even with close friends. I just don't really like to talk about it. Sometimes I will mention at the most that mother is Borderline Personality or not very nice. But I have just found people to be extremely judgemental if you are a daughter and don't have a good relationship. It is almost like there is no excuse for this. I don't know how to say she has faked that she has a terminal illness and calls and says I deserve for my kids to die and that's why we are not close.

Then you have found the wrong people and need new friends. You are being vague and unclear instead of direct. "My mother's day? No, we spent it with just the four of us. MY mother? Nah, after she faked a terminal illness and said I deserve for our kids to die, I stopped interacting with her." See how easy that is?

[Anonymous]

I have a mother like this OP. Everyone who knows her knows if you know what I mean. Other people, I just really don't bring it up. Does it really come up that often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mother like this OP. Everyone who knows her knows if you know what I mean. Other people, I just really don't bring it up. Does it really come up that often?

This. I rarely, if ever, discuss my friends' relationships with their parents. I really can't keep track. Now if you volunteer that your mother wasn't invited to her grandchild's birthday because she has a personality disorder, then I might ask some questions about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mother like this OP. Everyone who knows her knows if you know what I mean. Other people, I just really don't bring it up. Does it really come up that often?

Same. New poster. I don't bring it up, but it comes up now and again. It came up for me when I had my kids and even my closest friends would ask when my mother would be visiting, coming down to help with the baby, etc. Um, never? I remember being surprised, and a bit hurt, that they'd even ask, but I guess until you've lived it, you don't understand.

[Anonymous]

No contact with my mother. I don't discuss it with friends or I'll say we aren't close and move on to a different subject. No one wants those details

[Anonymous]

I don’t because everyone accepts what I tell them, which is the minimal info they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually don't get into too much family history, even with close friends. I just don't really like to talk about it. Sometimes I will mention at the most that mother is Borderline Personality or not very nice. But I have just found people to be extremely judgemental if you are a daughter and don't have a good relationship. It is almost like there is no excuse for this. I don't know how to say she has faked that she has a terminal illness and calls and says I deserve for my kids to die and that's why we are not close.

Then you have found the wrong people and need new friends. You are being vague and unclear instead of direct. "My mother's day? No, we spent it with just the four of us. MY mother? Nah, after she faked a terminal illness and said I deserve for our kids to die, I stopped interacting with her." See how easy that is?

Yeah, anyone who hints at judgement after this isn't worthy of being your friend. Even a less detailed but specific response makes it clear that you have valid reasons for not being close. ("MY mother? She's abusive so I've cut contact.") If you never get into with your friends, and they have good relationships with their parents, they're going to be thinking that there's some sweet, affectionate grandma out there just begging to shower you all with love.

[Anonymous]

The judgement is annoying. How old are you? I’m in my 40s now. I share brief stories about how mean my BPD mother is to me and my siblings. If someone wants to give me the “buy she is your mother!” line, I say something along the lines of “When you’re decent to your kids, they’re willing to have a relationship when they’re older. No one wants to walk away from their parent.” I don’t apologize anymore. If they pushback after that, it’s something like “Accepting abuse is not on my list of things to do. I can’t be responsible for her choices.”

In reality, only other people with personality disordered parents will really understand. When I find someone who gets it, it makes me more sad than glad. I feel a bit of envy for those who had a mother so nice that they cannot wrap their head around how a mother could act like mine. Lucky them for not knowing, or understanding!

[Anonymous]

I feel like there is a stigma when you have family estrangement. At least it seems that way. I don't tell many people.

[Anonymous]

Just don't discuss it. My MIL always says, "But he's your DAD!" when I tell her that I don't interact much with my father. Or she'll say, "Oh, he's not that bad." She's met him twice and has known me for 20+ years in a very happy marriage with her son. I don't understand why she always defends my dad, so I'm done discussing him with her. My father and I are now estranged and when my MIL asks how he is I say, "He's fine. What's new with cousin so-and-so" to change the topic. She hasn't seemed to pick up on it yet, and I really don't want to discuss it with her anymore.